Agony 2

by Sue Simpson

Chain Border

Dear Aunt Nasty;
My eighteen-year-old son has the smelliest feet in living (or perhaps dead and decaying) history. His bedroom is a pit of rancid aroma and when the door is opened or closed a thick, green, putrid fog wafts down the stairs and into the living room sending any visitors running for the hills. The poor dog whines in misery if her nose is in line with my son's socks. And the council have hung a toxic poison notice on our front door.

Please help!
Yours truly, Overwhelmed in Soxfordshire

My dear Overwhelmed;
This one is easy. Take your aromatic offspring back to his youth, build him a tree house and send him out to live in the garden. Alternatively next time he really pisses you off, make him a relaxing cup of 'cotton seep' tea by soaking his stiffest socks in boiling water for five minutes and telling him its the latest 'herbal' remedy for sweaty feet.

I do hope this helps.
Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;
Please help I am beside myself with worry. Whilst watering my auntie Nell's plants (she's in hospital having her prolapsed rectum lifted and her varicose veins pulled) I accidentally smashed her favourite ornament. It's a hideous pot dog, which has already had its head glued back on twice and has lost one leg. Alas this time despite my best efforts with Superglue and enthusiasm it is beyond repair. Auntie Nellie will be devastated.

Careless in Clarksville

What are you worrying about? You have done the woman a service getting rid of the tasteless piece of crap. Make an equally hideous mosaic tile out of all the broken pieces and tell her its Art Nouveux. She'll be delighted.

And anyway look on the bright side, she may have a thrombosis and not come out of hospital. That way your sin will never catch up on you. At least if she's left you the nasty thing in her will you won't feel obligated to display it with your best crystal.

Give your self a break … oops you already did
Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;
My fourteen-year-old daughter has just become involved with her first serious boyfriend. The problem is that she is walking around with the most horrendous bruises all over her neck. She says they are love bites but to me she looks positively maimed.

What should I do?
Horrified in Hickiesville.

Well darling, my first suggestion is… Feed the boy. He must be positively ravenous.

Isn't it amazing just how big a teenage boy's mouth is and how much damage it can inflict? Have you tried the mirror test to see if this young man has a reflection? Smother your daughter in garlic my dear, it's the only way. Coat her from head to foot, after all if he's done that to her neck just imagine what he's … Oh dear that's just too horrible to contemplate. Auntie just had a little turn at the thought. This Jack-the-lad may not be a vampire but at least it'll guarantee that he won't want to be too near your girl. Neither will anyone else for that matter, I would suggest repeating this procedure three times a day until she is twenty two.

Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;
I am in my last term of Uni. My final exams are imminent and I am unbelievably behind with my course work. My parents are relying on me to get distinctions in all of my exams and I am doomed to failure. Suicide seems to be the only way out of the mess I find myself in. Please save me.

Harassed in Harvard.

Chill out man. Do what all the other students do. Take out an enormous student loan that you have absolutely no feasible chance of paying back within the next seventy years or so. Shag as many girls, boys or both as you possibly can. And take so many mind altering drugs that your brain oozes pretty colours all over the place. This would be a good time to drop your course in favour of a modern art degree and then at least you can seep psychedelic brain ooze merrily all over a collage and get one A. Re-sit every year for the next fifteen years. Trust me, no matter what your parents say this is what they expect of you, and they will already have prepared themselves for a lifetime of disappointment.

Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;
My husband stole a Mars bar from me. I know this may seem a small insignificant crime to you, but to me it represents a world of broken trust. What should I do?

Distrustful somewhere in the Milky-way.

Dearest Distrustful;
Shoot the bastard with a high caliber, double barrel, sawn-off shotgun. Make the punishment fit the crime I say.

Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

~*~

Dear Aunt Nasty;
My boyfriend wants to have anal sex with me. What do you advise?

Clenched and tense in Bottomly

Oh my dear Clenched;

I whole-heartedly approve. Go for it darling. After all what could be better for giving the old sex life a healthy boost than some good old fashioned loving in the open air? We have some lovely canals dotted around the country and I believe the Norfolk Broads are wonderful in spring. You need to hire yourself a barge, and don't forget to make sure it is fitted with lifejackets. Be careful when you go through the locks in case people see your bare bottom bouncing up and down, and if you have a horse to pull the barge don't forget to feed him plenty of fresh hay.

What a lovely boyfriend you must have I'd love a man to offer me some canal sex.
Lots of love;
Auntie xxx

P.S. You might like to buy yourself a new keyboard my darling. Your C key doesn't appear to be working.

~*~

Well my angels that brings us to a close for another month.

Next month we have the curious case of the man who thinks he's a left footed boot. Auntie's advice to him is to pull his sock up and find a mate.

And the girl who says prostitution doesn't pay. Well of course not dear when you are promoting buy one get three free and hundred percent discounts.

Take care now children and remember, love each other. One kind word cancels out a thousand harsh ones. Ladies attend to those little details that keep your men coming home to you each night. And Gentlemen don't forget to treat her like a lady.

Till next time, Remember Auntie's motto
DO UNTO OTHERS ONLY DO IT TO THEM FIRST.

Legends Online