I woke up over an hour ago. I hate that. I can't fall back asleep. I line up all my little pill bottles. Thinking about which one I want. Five bottles in all and some that have been around since they "tried" the pills out on me to "alter" my sadness.
I take a little white one and break it in half. Give me twenty minutes and I'll be happy. One hour and I'll be asleep. Let's drown in pills. Pink ones, white ones, off white ones, green ones, blue ones, light yellow....
Something feels off with the situation I call mine. Can't put my finger on it. I'm over-analytical, how proper to have me analyze the situation that is mine. I just want to sleep for a month and wake to everything in its place, everyone in their place. I want to crawl inside you and hide for just a month and you can deal with the shit I don't want to deal with. Maybe I just want to crawl inside you and get lost.
I hear a train passing in the distance. I love that sound. Reminds me of growing up in a little brown house with an open window by my bed this time twenty years ago. It even smells the same outside right now as it did then. It's the same town and those are the same train tracks. I've been everywhere in my 20-odd years to find myself back where I started tonight. I'm starting over again. The journey stopped here for 4 years and it's time for me to fly away again.
I still go off like a child. I will always be a child and that I love, but I despise the reasons why. My eyes are wide with a child's curiosity of something not yet discovered. I discovered you. The innocence of the child is long gone and replaced with doubt. It's barely missed since my innocence didn't last very long and has almost faded from memory.
What if I'm giving you everything about me that is special and you are not who you say you are? What if what is special slowly fades from your memory? I see too much, I want too much, but I settle for too little. I said I trust you. Is this trust? Would I know trust if it ran up and bit my ass? Do you trust me and if so why? What is it about me that makes me anything more then the rest? Why should I believe you when you tell me why I'm "special?" Because I need to. Oh, I am special but over time some people forget that and why would you be any different? What is it about me that makes you read this? I could not even be real. This might not even be me. The funny thing is that this is the most real me you can find. It's my core and my depth and all I've carried along through my life. Do they think I give a shit about what they think of me, what some say? Give me a little credit and a big fucking break. If you do not understand me enough to see why I shine and you fade then you don't deserve my condolences.
I sit so lonely yet never alone. I watch and I wait and let someone think I don't see falseness in what they try and hide. I don't really see it, I sense it, feel it. My green eyes see right through you and you still don't get that. I let you think I'm needy and I need you. Honestly, look at me, you know my story. Name one person that I've ever really needed besides me? I stay because I can and sometimes I wake up and look n the mirror and hate. Simply hate the fact you don't know any better and I know me too well.
He comes along and seems to know me without speaking. It confuses me. Yet I step back. Even in love with him I still step back. I am broken yet un-breakable but you could be the one to break me. I believe you and everything you say to me still I step back. You know what? I don't want to step back again. I want you to be real because if you are all you say you are and you know all I think you know..... You will always remember what made me special. It's not how I look, It's not how I write. It's something that combines everything and it's everything combined. Did you know that I test people? I do. I test to see how far they let me go before they step back. I test to see if I remained to them as they thought I was. I test to see if they know who I am. Sick and twisted isn't it? You can tell me I'm beautiful because I've heard that so much I think I just know you will say it. It's when you say the little things that might pass others up that makes me know you see me. The core of me. It's the small things remembered and the way you reacted to my darkest days of pain. It's not my talent nor my beauty, but my sheer brilliance that's amazing. Did you know that? Did you know I knew that?
You get mad at me for crying. I cry because I feel compassion, anger, happiness, things you will never get. You say I blame you. No, dear. I'm the one that remained; I blame me. You used to write me the most beautiful letters that I now watch you write to them. That's ok because I still get beautiful letters, just not from you anymore. In your quest to save the world I am last on your list. It used to kill part of me inside along with all the lies, but I come to just expect that from you now. That's why I accept it so much better now, don't you think I do, love? If he lies to me and is not what he seems to be will I give up completely? I have been trying so long to trust but trusting perhaps just isn't my forte.
They all ask me to be honest, but that's the only thing I know how to be. Sure I've learned to lie and if you lie to me expect it back in mysterious ways threefold. Karma. Even my karma one day comes around.
He wraps himself around my voice and I wrap myself around him and wait.
I am 27 going on 17 going on 7... Do you understand what that means? I am a tainted child, but just a kid no less and I want you to find that endearing instead of stepping on me to climb the social ladder.
"Why?" some ask. Why do I love my net friends more then my real life ones? Take a walk around my page. It is truly my life on a screen. All the good, the bad, and the fucking ugly. It's all here somewhere coded with letters and colored by numbers but it's here. They see me. They love me for everything they see. They see more then you ever will, my real life friends, because sometimes your life gets to important for you to understand my own. You get married, have babies, then disappear as if I never was there. So why not here where no one really comes over anyway?
I rearranged my bottles. I stand them on top of each other and they somehow didn't fall, but I put them back down and line them back up.