The Mean Little Column: "Making a Wish for Stem Cells"

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Ok. It's 7 months into his presidency and Mr. Bush is taking a 4-week vacation. What the hell! At most jobs you'll only get one week worth of vacation a year. And usually there's a 3-6 month probationary period. I was most surprised that the Dow didn't skyrocket and gas prices drop the minute he left the White House.

So for the past month CNN gets to show me George Bush as he rides around in Golf Cart 1, the Presidential Golf Cart. Giving me Bush's hourly nonsensical, non-informative musings on the Middle East and stem cells. I ain't touching the Middle East today. I can say this: Clinton, no war, but some violence. Bush, war soon, hourly violence. As for the other hot topic…

It seems that in an unborn fetus there are these magical little cells that can be anything we want them to be when they grow up. If we take these cells, called stem cells, and put them into a heart, they can become healthy heart cells. They can become eye cells, ass cells. The biggie though, is they have also shown the ability to become nerve cells.

This could help the numerous thousands that suffer from neurological diseases and disorders like Parkinson's and CF. Also, it could give hope to Christopher Reeve and everyone else who accidentally busted their asses up and have wound up paralyzed. But here's the rub. These cells have to come from an embryo. You can harvest ample stem cells in the first trimester.

The question is, is it life, or isn't it? Is it murder if we're taking the stem cells? Kind of the devil you know vs. the devil you don't. An embryo may be life and not taking it for stem cell treatments or research appeases the old white men of the moral right. However, if we go so far as to take these stem cells a lot of kids might fucking walk!

I love this. No one gives a shit that we induce pregnancy in horses so we can grind their placentas into our shampoo so we can achieve that Prell shine. No one bitches about donating kidneys, sperm, or anything else. But if it's a fertilized ovum everyone loses their fucking minds. We are not talking about killing babies here people. We are talking about removing a cluster of cells one tenth the size of my left nut.

One embryo may be life or it may not be. But one embryo could definitely be life for a number of children. One embryo could knock the shakes right out of Michael J. Fox, or allow Christopher Reeve to be able to make love to his wife one more time. Fucking amazing.

Here's a write-in campaign for ya:

Dear Make A Wish Foundation,

My wish is that the old white right-wing people will let stem cell research happen so that maybe some day I will be able to fucking walk!

There's a fucking wish for you. Walking.

I love the Make a Wish Foundation. I love the feel good stories on the news. "Here we see Mark McGuire and little Timmy in the hospital. Timmy passed away less than 2 hours later. Timmy was 6." You never hear about when Mark McGuire shows up 2 hours late.

I have a huge Make a Wish reason for stem cells. For every cute little 8-year old terminally ill child that everyone is sad for, there's a kid that will never be cute because his ailment has made him less than TV-friendly. And for every less-than TV-friendly kid there's a socially inept jerkoff of a 23-year-old virgin with terminal cancer, halitosis, who'd give his left nut for a fucking blowjob.

Where's his Make a Wish foundation? After 18 people are less worthy of having their dreams fulfilled by the community? Or is this something the families lobbied for once they realized that getting a jukebox may fulfill Uncle Ed's dying wish, but its one more fucking thing to cart to the curb when hospice kicks in.

Regardless, where's the wish fulfillment for the 30 year old that's never had a hummer? Where's the bi-experience little Sally has wished for, for 21 years? When does Bobby get to do a line of coke off a stripper's tits? Where's little Eddy's lapdance? When's his time damn it?

Little Timmy gets to ride in an F-14. Make a Wish Foundation takes the whole family on a horse-back riding vacation. All this while under the same sky 29 year-old sick little Johnny will pass without every knowing hot, black anal all-gay oral action. And what about little Liza. She's just paralyzed. She's not terminal, she'll just never know an orgasm like you and I do.

Somewhere in a number of different labs across the U.S. there are thousands of embryos that shall never see the light of womb. They will either be destroyed or have their stem cells harvested.

It's a world gone mad. But with stem cells, Little Bobby, may live long enough to enjoy sex, and little Liza may gain feeling from the neck down, allowing her to escape 20 hours a day in the iron lung, and maybe, just maybe, get her some of that all-girl strap-on anal action she's been dying for.

But then again maybe she'd just be happy being able to hug her mom.

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