The Mean Little Column - "Anthrax"

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Its been a wild month since September 11. Just to clarify. This is Osama Bin Ladin.

Osama Bin Laden

He sends us Anthrax.


I suggest we return the favor and send Afghanistan a little Anthrax of our own.


You send infected letters? We say, "Turn it up. Bring the Noize."

Watching CNN all weekend I got to see a lot on the Taliban and Mr. Bin Ladin. I got a real good glimpse of the Afghanistan Government. It seems the International community got together a couple years ago and built the Afgani people a football stadium. We call it soccer. They have their football and Anthrax, we have our own. I like ours better.

Instead of playing soccer/football in it they use it to execute people in front of fervent crowds. I never thought I'd see a man hanging from the goal post. Well I always thought it would be Norwood after blowing the '91 super bowl, but I always thought that would be self-inflicted.

The strange irony is that they use the penalty area to for executions by gunfire. I never thought I'd see a woman get her head blown off for adultery. When Wendy cheated on me everyone thought I was excessive for calling her a heartless slut. I guess they just aren't enlightened like the Taliban.

I have to tell you, the Taliban foreign minister should go on tour with his act. I never laughed so hard. The world community builds the Afghanis a soccer stadium to try and lift their spirits. When asked how the world community should react to it being used for executions he responded, "If the world wants to build us a facility for our executions, we would be happy to use this place for football."

He went on to explain that stadiums are places for joyous activity. And what could be more joyous than a people getting together to enforce order and law. I mean what could be more joyous than cutting a man's throat for causing unrest by calling for democratic elections. Or beating a woman in the street because she was not being accompanied by a male relative.

Now I'm all for live and let live. If a country wants to build its culture around age-old traditions of being anti-science, anti-education, anti-equal rights, and anti-health, and beating its own people, that's fine by me.

We killed 12 civilians over the weekend. A part of me wants to say 5,388 more to go. I can't do that. But as I said before, I don't like wearing a target. So we're going to take the mess that was Afghanistan's rubble and turn it into smaller rubble. Then we'll come in and build the country. We'll help with things like ending leprosy, providing a better natal survival rate than 80%, and bring books that show the world really is round.

It does amaze me that they think we'll cower. We are Americans. We are a bloodthirsty lot. We love to fight. But we're also a moral people. We never need a reason to fight, but we do need a reason if we're going to feel good about it.

Hey Bin Ladin. Wanna know who you fucked with? I'll clue you in. Watch Battlebots. Robotic machines of maiming and destruction built by people as a hobby. This is shit we do in our spare time. Call Chuck D. Flava Flav and Professor Griff. Griff's already dressed for the occasion and Flava can easily keep the timetables of the attack. Turn it up. Bring the Noize.

In light of current events, we are changing the name of the band to something more friendly, "Basket Full Of Puppies." Actually, just the fact that we are making jokes about our name sucks.

In the twenty years we've been known as "Anthrax," we never thought the day would come that our name would actually mean what it really means. When I learned about anthrax in my senior year biology class, I thought the name sounded "metal." Everyone in my neighborhood had a band with an "er" name, like "Ripper" or "Deceiver" or "Killers" and I wanted to be different. "Anthrax" sounded cool, aggressive, and nobody knew what it was. Until a few years ago most people thought we'd made it up. Even our 1985 album, Spreading The Disease, was just a play on the name. We were spreading our music to the masses.

Before the tragedy of September 11th the only thing scary about Anthrax was our bad hair in the 80's and the Fistful Of Metal album cover. Most people associated the name Anthrax with the band, not the germ. Now in the wake of those events, our name symbolizes fear, paranoia and death. Suddenly our name is not so cool. To be associated with these things we are against is a strange and stressful situation. To us, and to millions of people, it is just a name. We don't want to change the name of the band, not because it would be a pain in the ass, but because we hope that no further negative events will happen and it won't be necessary. We hope and pray that this problem goes away quietly and we all grow old and fat together.

Be safe,
Scott, Charlie, Frank and John


PS - If an Anthrax member gets anthrax, call Alanis Morrisette. That would be ironic. Don't you think?

Hugs and smooches,
The Mean Little Man on 10-21-2001

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