The Mean Little Column - "Martha Stewart vs. The Mean Little Man"

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Mean Little ManMartha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Mean Little Man: Suck the Ice Cream out of the bottom. For the love of god it's not that difficult. Sugar cones cost a buck 99 for 10. Anybody buying a cone for $.20 can give a rats ass if rocky road is added to the rorshach-stain of a shirt they're wearing.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

The Mean Little Man: I had a meat baster once. I haven't been able to find it since that 2-week bender I took in '98 with a couple fat stewardesses. I had no idea what happened to it till the pics surfaced on the Internet. Besides. Pancakes come from IHOP. IHOP is never to be visited during the day. And it should never be visited when you're sober enough to give a rat's red ass if they have a baster or where they stick it when they're on break.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Mean Little Man: First off, I'm not out to deny anything a little bud.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

The Mean Little Man: Who cares if they crack? Aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

The Mean Little Man: I thought lemons were plastic, hollow, with a little green lid, and held juice that smelled like Pledge?

Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

The Mean Little Man: Use roommate's pots and pans. Burn the shit out of them. Throw them at roommate when said roommate complains.

Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

The Mean Little Man: Tupperware? Soup goes in ziplock bags. Everyone knows that.

Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Mean Little Man: Two words. Ho-Ho's.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Mean Little Man: "I didn't realize I made it so salty babe. Does it make you thirsty? More wine?"

Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Mean Little Man: So does a human head.

Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Mean Little Man: Pies come from MacDonald's. Martha can bake all she wants but I can scald my mouth for 99 cents less than 3 minutes from now if I feel like it.

Martha's way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

The Mean Little Man: 1) Hit with a Louiseville Slugger. 2) Repeat until soft. Works with Jehovah's witnesses also.

Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

The Mean Little Man: Corn on the cob is for church picnics and family barbecues. I don't get invited to either.

Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

The Mean Little Man: When in doubt, throw at neighbor's house.

Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Mean Little Man: Take a lime, cut it in half. Add to Corona and rub it on your forehead. Drink it. Repeat. Hair of the dog.

Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Mean Little Man: If I've drunk enough where I don't know if I have leftover wine or not I'm gonna have a harder time finding my pants.

Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Mean Little Man: My latex gloves disappeared with the baster. Oh the tales they could tell.

Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

The Mean Little Man: Rub hands on shirt. Beware the rocky road stains.

Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. * Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

The Mean Little Man: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Hugs and smooches,
The Mean Little Man on 9-6-2001

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