The Mean Little Column - "Mean Little Bomb"

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Mean Little ManI knew the Bush administration would be the salad years for Rants. I just thought that I'd be able to feed off his crack-head gaff-filled days as he figured out which toilet in the White House you don't crunch in, and which of the Eisenhower dishware was best for cutting lines on.

But no. Some moronic assholes had to go and crash a few planes into the greatest city on earth and fuck up the party. Mongoloid ball-sniffers. All of them.

No I gotta tell ya. I'm torn.

On the one hand I was raised by children of the 60's. Although they didn't get to take part in any of the Chicago riots or National-Guard shooting runs at Kent State, they still raised me with a great abhorrence of war, pain and violence.

War sucks. It's a poor excuse to kill someone. And in war there's so much going on its hard not to accidentally go bang-bang in a school or hospital. War breeds suffering, and from suffering we get hate, and from hate some assholes get together and take a TWA plane into 5000 innocent people.

But on the other hand I like the idea that the gov't, who takes 1/3 of my measly pay, takes an interest when another country shows it has the will and the means to fuck with my home.

Thank you Mister Bin Laden. Because of you, I'm learning so much about myself. There are so many people that piss me off that I would never have realized till you got the idea in your head that a couple 707's could break America's spirit.

Here are some people I think that should be made official prison salad-tosser for about the next millennium.

Peace protestors. Ever since the 60's there are always a bunch of people who have to condemn America every time we fire a shot in anger. Usually because breaking news coverage of death and destruction interrupting Pokemon: the Jotho Journeys is a major buzzkill during that period of time after work they call the Mary Jane Hour. I've protested for peace. I've protested against America's at-times aggressive cultural attitudes. But c'mon! When someone points a gun at you and gets the shit kicked out of them by the cops, do you chastise the cops? Hell no! You buy them a fruitcake.

Tell you what. You can sign your name on a list that states, "Willing to be killed by a terrorist." That way, the next time Bin Ladin gets a hankering for a little American murder, he knows which address to mail the small pox to.

Here's another group of people that should be forced to play truth or dare at the next NAMBLA convention while wearing Underoos.

The grizzle-eating yahoos who just weren't satisfied with a 6 inch flag on their car. I haven't seen flags this big on a moving object since the USS New Jersey left port. And how come the larger the flag, the more bumper stickers they have? Usually a nice WWF Bumper sticker nestled somewhere between "A Child is Not a Choice" and Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo.

That's the beauty of America. We love to hate. Without an outside enemy we beat the living shit out of each other. We have intolerance to go around, but without someone to be pissed off at we blow up Planned Parent Hood, bitch about the President's mistresses and wonder who will win Survivor. I'll tell you, after September 11 I don't need the outback to give me the reality television fix I need to fill my empty life.

Gary Condit has to be thanking Bin Ladin in his silent prayer for getting the FBI to start looking for bombs and anthrax rather than Chandra Leevy's body. Ahh, I wistfully and nostalgically look back to those youthful innocent days when some intern polishing the Presidential monkey was such a big deal.

Here's another bunch of brain donors that should be forced to shit in a public toilet in Bangladesh.

These fucking news anchors that speed to be the first on the scene with anything. Angels of fucking death. They could beat the vultures to a dead steer in the Mojave dessert. And now it's ok for them to cry. Weepy fucking parasites.

I pray for Edward R. Murrow. Standing atop a building in London broadcasting live during the blitz as the Nazis rained down fiery death from above. Dan Rather weeps. Murrow would be opening up his mail live on television daring any Al-Queda fucker to mail him something better than a little Anthrax.

Here's some people that should have their perspective clarified by having a View Master with pictures of Ground Zero stapled to their face.

I hear a lot of people crying a bloody river that they're pissed at people looking at them sideways for wearing a turban. Not all Americans are very enlightened. Sorry. Plus for decades we've been watching people wearing turbans, towels, sheets, etc. screaming death to Americans while burning the good old stars and stripes. It was cute till they decided to kill a few thousand people in NYC in a fireball of crushing death.

I say if your faith is flexible on turban wearing, maybe you lay off it for a while. 50 years later and still no one wears a Hitler mustache. Not even Chaplin could keep that one going. But here's the coup de gras. This group needs to be rounded up, bound with barbed wire, and hosed down with used KY from last year's Porn Awards.

All these fucking weepy eyed celebrities doing their part. How dare Cheryl Crow or Alanis read a sedentary piece on the conflict, without showing some cleavage, and say they're doing their part? N'Sync is gonna make me feel better with their PSA? If they gave a fuck they'd be in the Arabian Gulf entertaining the troops while polishing some rifles a-la Bob Hope. I heard the senile old fucker wanted to go and support our boys fighting the Kaiser, but his bowels kept spilling out through his asshole.

Oh, and I do hope the troops are having the opportunity to enjoy these little rants. As a closing thought I'd like to make my suggestions for little love notes to write on the next bombs we're about drop on some Talibani caves.

If someone sends me a picture of a bomb that is about to be dropped with 'Mean Little Bomb' written on it, please include your address as I will send you a Mean Little Shirt. Seriously.

Hugs and smooches,
The Mean Little Man

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