The Worst Thing You Did

By Logan Russell

Chain Border

From: Julie B
To: Marcus
Date: 4 September 2001, 09:47
Subject: Blast from the past

Hi Marcus,

OK - so it's not really such a blast from the past - it's only been a year and a half - but I bet you weren't expecting to hear from me. Sorry for cluttering up your inbox like this, but…I want to ask a favour.

You're going to laugh shortly, so brace yourself: I'm in therapy. Yes, ballsy, bitchy, life-and-soul Jools has admitted that she's probably a bit screwed up. That's the point of this email really - it might not all have been your fault, and if I'm going to accept responsibility, then I'd like to get your version of what I'm accepting responsibility for. It's my therapist's idea. What I'd like to know is - as you see it - what's the worst thing I did to you?

If you don't want to help me, I WILL understand, but I'd kinda like to hear from you anyway.

Jools.

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
Date: 4 September 2001, 11:00
Subject: RE: Blast from the past

Well bloody hell.

It's not often you get asked to revisit a nightmare is it?

Why the fuck should I help you?

From: Julie B
To: Marcus
Date: 4 September 2001, 15:11
Subject: RE: Blast from the past

Marcus

Yes, I rather thought you might feel that way.

There's no reason why should help me. It's up to you. But you must have felt something for me once, you SAID you did.

My therapist says it would be a useful exercise. I'll leave the ball in your court. Sorry to have bothered you.

Take care,
J.

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
Date: 5 September 2001, 08:47
Subject: RE: Blast from the past

When I got home last night I thought about what you'd asked, and I guess it can't hurt.

It's a difficult question though. You did a lot of things that weren't very nice.

One thing that pissed me off was when you cut my football kit to pieces. I never knew why you used to hate it so much when I played 5-a-side after work. I just didn't get it, so I guess I couldn't begin to understand why you'd do that, and you didn't seem at all sorry.

There, are you a better person yet?

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
Date: 5 September 2001, 09:31
Subject: A better one

Hah. I know it's not my turn, but I just thought of a much better one.

Remember when we were in Corfu, and you had the trots? Remember that night when we were in bed and you let rip with what you thought was a fart, only it wasn't a fart. I had to get into the shower straight away. Well, shitting on me like that was one of the worst things you ever did. You lost quite a lot of your feminine mystique that night, I can tell you.

Marcus.

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
Date: 5 September 2001, 09:45
Subject: A better one still

They're coming thick and fast now, you've tapped into a sort of vein of your misdemeanours. It's good to talk.

I was just thinking about that time that we were at Lucy and Callum's and I was really pissed but you were driving so you were sober and you smashed the front of their hi-fi cabinet. You panicked and said it was me that smashed it. Do you remember? And because I was a gentleman about it you just let them believe it? Well, that was lowdown scummy behaviour.

What you don't know is - it was me that broke it. You just didn't notice. I put a bloody great crack down the front of it, but it was only when you tried to open the door that it fell to bits. By the time they came rushing into the room you'd moved away and blamed me. Didn't you ever think that I took the blame a bit calmly?

Marcus.

From: Julie B
To: Marcus
Date: 5 September 2001, 13:29
Subject: RE: A better one still

Marcus

Sorry was in meeting this a.m.

I see you are getting to grips with this. Thank you.

Do you feel the air is clearing? I do. It's brought back a load of old memories too. Apart from me being ill, Corfu was a brilliant holiday, wasn't it?

And I can't believe you broke the HiFi cabinet! You Rat! I'm gonna get you for that!

J.

PS. Are you still working at the same place?

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
Date: 5 September 2001, 16:04
Subject: RE: A better one still

Corfu was fucking ace. Guess we did have something going at one time didn't we? It was a brilliant week. If I recall, we didn't leave the hotel room for the first two days did we? (That was always the thing we did best together!)

Yes, I'm still working at the same place.

Funny thing. It's been nice chatting to you. I know that we split up on pretty bad terms, but really - this is a small town and there's no point avoiding each other is there?

I'll be in the Moon & Spoon at quarter to six. Fancy a drink? Still G&T is it?

From: Julie B
To: Marcus
Date: 6 September 2001, 09:19
Subject: About last night

Marcus,

Seeing you last night was so bitter-sweet. It brought back all kinds of feelings that I've tried to lock away. I'm at a very difficult point in my life right now, I'm trying to sort myself out and find out who I am. I'm trying to make things work with Jeremy, as I told you, so I really shouldn't have had quite so much to drink last night. I'm very vulnerable right now. As I said when I left your flat this morning, I think that us sleeping together last night may help us lay some ghosts to rest, but please PLEASE don't think it means we have a future, because my future is with Jeremy. I'm sorry if that sounds callous, but I need to move on.

Goodbye.
J.

From: Marcus
To: Julie B
CC: Callum Winters; Lucy Winters; Jeremy; Sue Pierce; Tony T; Madge & Edward B; Jo; Nick@work; Marcelle F; Leah; Lady Jane; Roger; Jack S; Peter Michaels; Heidi J; Terry Masters
Date: 6 September 2001, 10:01
Subject: You what?
Attachments: 'RE: A blast from the past', 'RE: A Better One Still', 'About last night'

Know what Jools? For a minute there, I wondered if you'd changed. That's why I invented that load of crap about Callum and Lucy's HiFi cabinet, and you know it was crap. You know it was you that smashed it. I made up a pack of lies to give you the chance to come clean. I wanted to see if you would, but you didn't. You haven't changed and I don't think you will. And by the way, I know why you smashed it.

See, I know that by then you'd been fucking Callum for about two weeks or maybe longer (perhaps you could enlighten us), and I know what your temper's like. The same temper that made you shred my footie clothes because you couldn't bear me having fun. Well, I saw you. I saw you talking to Callum and Lucy and I saw that you were desperately trying to catch Callum's eye, maybe get him alone. But Callum wasn't going to risk anything with Lucy around and I saw those two spots of colour appear on your cheek and I saw that temper flare up after they left the room. I watched you have a little tantrum and kick the sofa, I saw the cushion fall off the end and hit the lamp that fell over and smashed the cabinet. I don't know where you thought I was, but I was right there in the room. I guess I was already invisible to you by then.

Thing was, Jools, I loved you. You were a bitch to me, and somehow you made me love you and to answer your original question, that's the worst thing you ever did.

As for last night? I was curious. I wanted to see what you looked like, whether your 'therapy' was getting you anywhere, and I wondered whether you'd still be up for anything after you'd necked a few G&T's. It didn't take many. And don't flatter yourself, I didn't fuck you. You passed out pretty soon after we got back. I don't want Jeremy's sloppy seconds, and if you can't tell whether or not someone fucked you last night, I'd suggest there's something very wrong with the way you're living your life.

Listen, I hope your therapy has helped, but I thought maybe it would work better if a few more people were in on it. I've taken the liberty of cc-ing a few people on this mail. Do you know what? That's the worst thing I've ever done and it feels great.

Over and out.
Marcus.

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