The Mean Little Column
"Back to School with the Mean Little Man"

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The Mean Little ManSo fall is upon us. High school football is at the height of its hazing season, the beautiful rite of passage where freshman and walk-ons alike get to join in the boola-boola fraternity-building traditions of fundraising carwashes, cum crackers and forced teabagging.

My suggestion to anyone considering football? Marching band. Everything you heard about band camp is true. Think of it this way. Two thirds of marching band are the terminally geeky...split down the middle male to female, trombone players to flag bearers. The other one third escape the terminal geeky, although there is a lot of grey area allotted here. Now put these people together at a camp where any effective chaperoning is non-existent between the hours of eight and curfew. What do you think is going to happen?

Coed band bus. Eleven pm on a Friday night an hour's ride from home. People peeling out of uniforms and into sweats. Lights out. Everyone huddles under blankets. What the hell do you think is going to happen?

Yeah, so the Mean Little Man, your liege, was a band-geek. Why? For all the reason that caused the band director to stare into space in denial muttering, "This isn't an orgy, I watered the plants, I'm a good boy, baby wants blue velvet."

On the football team you get to shower with men, then go to other schools and chase their men and jump on them. In marching band we went to band competitions where 10-30 bands from other schools would get together. At 60-150 people in each band that equals 600-6000 other band geeks crowded together. Estimate one third of those to be minimally cool - that's 200-2000 cool people, or 100-1000 cool women, finally away from daddy's rules for a night or longer.

Turning down football to be in marching band? $200.00 in protection money. Instruments, lessons, and white buck polish? $3,200.00. Being present for the one week a year and the subsequent one night every week when the cute-but-shy band chicks unleash themselves from under the thumb of their sexually repressive over-bearing parents that made them geeks? Very fucking priceless!!!!!

But I digress. This rant isn't about marching band or the oral talents of flugal horn players. A lot of you are heading off to college very fucking soon. Bye mommy, bye daddy, bye cheap pot connection right down the street. I want to give you some advice for your first few months. This is serious shit, so I'm not going to bullshit ya. Wanna have some fun and not lose your shit at the same time? Listen up freshmen…

1) 1 in 5 of ya will effectively drink yourself out of college in about 3 weeks of getting there. Take it easy morons. Seriously. You have 4 years at the least to party. Don't blow your grades by drinking them away in the first few weeks. Suddenly that high school grad present looks pretty stupid at the local community college you'll be at while you patch roofs living in your parent's basement.

2) Don't think you can drink. You can't. So you had a wicked time at senior week. Maybe even had a whole keg at the 'cool' graduation party. Do not think you can drink. The average junior who is 100 pounds lighter than you and one foot shorter than you will put you under the table. Think its funny? Try to keep up during your first couple weeks. See you in community college.

3) Ladies, do not be a statistic! During your first semester go to parties with other women. Agree before you go that you all go together and you all leave together. Guys are going to give you a lot of beer and booze. They want to fuck you. This is the first time for many of you that no one will notice if you don't come home tonight. Imagine yourself crying into a box of Fruitloops in the cafeteria blubbering to your friends "I was so drunk I didn't realize what was happening." Girls Gone Wild Volumes I-XXIV didn't come about from daddy's little girl being sober or thinking too deeply.

4) If you smoke pot, quit. If you do not wish to quit, take it off campus. A college is not a democracy. It is a privately-held piece of land and you are subject to its subjective rules. They can search you with little cause, can go through your shit when you're not there and can nail the hell out of you. If you smoke pot, keep it off campus in all ways shapes and forms. If you do harder drugs go whack your nuts repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer. It's cheaper and less damaging.

5) Go to store.meanlittleman.com for all your Mean Little School needs!!!

Hugs and Smooches!
The Mean Little Man

For music, yelling, spiked hair and strange dress, visit The Mean Little Man at his official shrine on the web! http://www.meanlittleman.com.

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