Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
AND yet again, the shopping bug has bitten you in the arse. I told you not to spend a shitload of money this year, but did you listen to me?? NOOOOOOOO. Why? Because you love the holidays, it gives you a reason to shop. Not only do you blow out your credit cards to show people a good time, you also like the big luxury items that you can get for yourself this holiday season…Suggestion: baby steps, bucky.

Virgo
If you watch one more soap opera or Hallmark greeting card commercial pining suicide…relax, I will kill you myself. GOD, what does it take for you to snap the fuck out of your deep blue funk from hell?!? Please go get laid, its all I ask…okay?

Libra
EGAD, you are waaaay tooo happy lately. What are you planning? I know that when you are giddy this means one or two things: you inherited the money from your psychotic relative that only likes pudding…OR you have devised the ultimate revenge against one of your foremost foes. I am guessing the latter. Remember to hide the bodies away from traffic…otherwise you are up shit creek.

Scorpio
Sex and sex and what else? SEX!!! And chocolate. Have a great new year.

Sagittarius
You have a plan, but don't let the soul of that which is you get fucked up the ass by those that would love to put you down….with a chainsaw. You aren't alone, dummy, so stop weeping over the coals. Everything's going to be alright. Trust me.

Capricorn
Happy belated, smookiekins. One thing that I have noticed is that financially things have been shit of late…well, I would say that this is going to turn around. Also I know that you have been sick, that is also going to get better too. I would say this is your year…yeppers.

Aquarius
Hmmmm. This is a tough call. Do you sell your soul for the treasure that has a bitter aftertaste even though it is beautiful, it is just as deadly…OR do you sacrifice it all for the one you love. Well, maybe there is a third option…I don't know what the option exactly IS…I think you already have the answer, you just don't want to hear it.

Pisces
You would love to be pampered by tons of cute cabana boys worshipping at your feet. Hell, I like that too. If you can do it, go for it. If you can make a living as a foot fetishist…more power to you, just keep me posted. I would love to hear all about it.

Aries
It's a strange thing your life. You want to be this free spirit on one hand, then you want to have all the materialism in the world. You have to decide which it is that you want: time or money. You cannot be a mommy and a party girl. Gentlemen, I apologize for my parable, but I hope you know what I mean. You have to make a choice…sometimes the choices we make suck: but you have been coasting for years. Time to settle the score and finish that what you have started.

Taurus
I think you will be just fine. You keep looking for the brass ring or the golden tablets…but you haven't figured out that they are there laying right in front of you. You have everything you have ever wanted, you just have been too busy to look at it up close and personal.

Gemini
GOOD LORD. What a party. What am I ever going to do with you?!?! I want to kiss you on the forehead, then I want to club you with a small herring. You are destined for great things…dammit do it already!!!!!!!! If I can't tell you, who the fuck can??? I sense much gifts and talents in your soul. A spirit of the ages if you will. I want to read about you in Biofuckinography, okay??? I expect much greatness. Don't let me down.

The Crab
What I just said above for Gemini goes double for your twisted ass, Snookie!

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