The Mean Little Column - "Opie & Anthony: What's a Little Desecration Among Friends?"

Chain Border

The Mean Little ManWell, Opie and Anthony have been off air for almost a month now. Afternoon drives home - no joy now.

Flashback four years. WNEW was just another classic rock station clinging to music dead, gone and buried by being played again and again and again. No one can hear Stairway to Heaven or Hotel California every day and not take 2 bricks and attempt to pop their own head like a zit. Old jocks that had spun new cutting edge rock in the 70s were still clinging to their past glory, spinning the same crap 25 years later. Sad and sad.

Into this throw the radio duo of Opie and Anthony. They were available. Why? Just the previous April Fool's Day they thought it would be funny, with the Mayor of Boston, to announce that he was killed in a car and truck collision. That's bad. By chance the mayor was unavailable (I think he was in a plane at the time). So of course his family freaked, thinking their husband and father was dead. Great idea. But…umm. Ooops?

Good though. It brought them to New York. To do talk in the afternoon slot recently vacated by Two-fer Tuesdays, Get The Led Out, and Thirsty Thursday Jukebox shlock. But it was painful. Mostly to listen to the bewildered and confused listeners. If someone is still listening to WNEW in 1998 to hear Skynard you can be assured that they don't take change easily. Not in their routine. Not in their music, and not in their medication (unless it was to up the dosage)

Whats so great about Opie and Anthony? A lot of people still listen to Stern. He is old and tired. Let's be honest, the whole "I have a little penis... I would bang you for about a great 18 seconds" rap gets tiresome after puberty is complete. It was better when he was a married man in his 30's communicating the frustration of dealing with stifling bosses and hot women that he could bang. I did love that he let these airheaded people come in and fawn over him when all he's doing is getting the jollies off being a man who was continually rejected by women half as hot all his life till then. But that doesn't change that Stern is still a star-fucking show-boater kiss-ass, hitting on every hot chick that comes through the door. Living vicariously through every star, he asks how many women they bang. Lesbian Dating was done before him. His infantile interrupting of any dissenting opinion shows how little he will tolerate dissent and how much he will use a dump button.

So where are 'shock-jocks' Opie and Anthony different? Where Stern is that guy at work that always has a dick joke and wants to be cool, Opie and Anthony were the guys you saw every night at happy hour. Always together. Always cracking everyone up with comment, impressions, talking politics, current events, who has a hot rack, video games. Real people. And the fact you have a duo that won't hesitate to get on the other for being a geek or saying something stupid keeps it in check. A year and a half ago they were syndicated in a ton of cities in afternoon drive. They killed in nearly every market, bringing WOW everywhere.

They were recently fired for a little thing called Sex for Sam. The winning couple got to go with them on a road trip to the Sam Adams Brewery party in Boston. The contest was simple. Couples would get points for screwing in different places throughout New York. Points were allotted differently. You got little points for something easy like banging in a cab. You got big points for a place like outside in Times Square. Anal was a 2 point conversion.

One couple was arrested for banging in St. Patrick's Cathedral, causing outrage. And hence they were fired. No more Boob-O-Lantern contest every Halloween. No more Tuesday Night Hummer Club. No more Whiffle-Ball-Bat Challenge. No more Naughty Nighty Contest. No more in-studios with Jay Mohr or Jim Brewer. When they first started getting abuzz in NY Stern let off his bullshit tirades of how they were rip-off clones. He played a song parody saying he had it first, and that O&A were just ripping him off by playing it.

A lot of people would say they fucked up with their contest. I think their parent company fucked up. Viacomm had to know they would eventually go too far. They sunk millions into them and dumped them at the first sign of serious controversy. WNEW was being pressured by the FCC with threats to put their broadcast license in review. Isn't it wonderful how the FCC can dictate free speech, but yet its governing body is appointed by the sitting President and pretty much answers to no one?

The Catholic League was up in arms and doing what special interest groups do best. Bitch and moan. The Catholic League has about 250,000 members in the U.S. O&A had more listeners than that in drive time! Why were the Catholics so upset? Oh yeah. The sex was heterosexual, and both participants were over 18. Hey Viacomm, if you worked out how to appease these factions and kept O&A on your listenership would have doubled!!!!! To quote CNN, "If it smells, it sells" Stern may have said that Lesbians equal ratings. O&A found that everything sounds better with the word Teen in front of it.

No more What's in My Pants contests. No more asking those uncomfortable questions we all want to when we're saddled with second rate celebrities hocking their wares of the day. No more 50-Gallon Drum Challenge. No more Whipped Cream Bikini Contests. No more making Dominatrixes cry. I only hope the good people at Comedy Central have half a brain in their heads to offer these guys The Man Show. Kimmel is leaving, and what duo could do a better job?

So maybe this isn't all that great of a Rant. Its a sad day. I'm stuck choosing between 80's music and screeching Indian tunes from the local college stations. So, till you get back on, we'll be waiting for you Precious. Gone the way of Spaz. If you're a fan drop a line. If you have O&A news, let us know!

Hugs and Smooches,
The Mean Little Man on 9-19-2002

Legends Online