Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
You really need to get your eyes checked. You have been putting off the eye checkups for a while now, what the hell are you afraid of? Maybe that wickless wonder that you have been dating is really uglier than you thought???

Virgo
You need to give in to your inner child. Meaning that you just go and dress up like a ninja and with a can of silly string just GO and crash the latest Jehovah Witnesses meeting. Let caution to the winds, Captain!

Libra
Okay you are not employed, at least you are no longer being pelted on the head with carpet tiles from your last job assignment. You have friends that will help you if you ask.

Scorpio
And yet, something even more kinky from YOU. Do not bleach your pubic hair…that is all.

Sagittarius
Take the fucking vacation already, what the hell are you worrying about? Oh, yeah, terrorists…I forgot. My bad.

Capricorn
All I need to say to you is get an UZI and a bottle of Scotch and go to Disneyland…have fun. WHEEE. But seriously, if you need to cut loose, you are living in the wrong location, then, babe.

Aquarius
There is a wise old saying: Rather to be counted a bohemian than with a flock of idiots. Be an artist, don't be a shmuck.

Pisces
Time for some major foot worship for you. You need to be worshipped. What the hell is wrong with your significant other that they haven't figured this out yet is beyond me…YOU picked 'em.

Aries
Pissy and whiney…whiney and pissy…is there anything else you would like to complain about for the next few YEARS!?!?! Get the hell over it.

Taurus
You are not Eeyore from the hundred acre wood, so stop acting like him…even when the little donkey is down, at least he warns everyone…you would be upset too if you had a bow and a tail thumb tacked into your arse. Honestly, I don't know how you can be depressed ALL the damn time. Get help.

Gemini
Sex is in your future…and damn ain't you kinky! Reminder for condoms and, but of course, if you are screwing at a public place make sure you are dressed warmly and have enough change for a taxi.

The Crab
What the hell are you complaining about now??? Oh, wanted to get laid, got stood up. Oh. Sorry, my bad. Relationships and you are an issue aren't they? By the way, get out from under the bed. I can see you hiding there with your remotes and fuzzy slippers. Go and do something even if its move furniture around the house for a change of scenery, okay?

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