Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
I find it amazing how you can get the ball rolling on things and special projects...then you lose steam about half way through. Suggestion: Have a Scorpio or a Capricorn to help bail your ass out in a jam.

Virgo
Whine whimper...GOD you make me sick!!! GET over the bitch already and move the fuck on.

Libra
You need some MAJOR grounding, babe. You may notice that you keep falling down a lot...that is a sure sign that you need grounding from mother nature... Either that or you are too drunk to walk. In the great words of Timmon from the Lion King: "Sit down before ya hurt yourself!"

Scorpio
Pull up your sleeves and get the grease and bullwhips ready, you have to save someone out of a bad situation ....YES AGAIN! You are so good at being manipulative, who else can I turn to?

Sagittarius
I see travel and maxxing out credit cards in your future. Don't piss off your sugar daddy in the next few weeks then...someone needs to pay the bills and it ain't gonna be you.

Capricorn
Grounding is your specialty. Granted you feel a little homebound right now, but that too, shall pass. The minute the first tulip starts blooming, your feet will be back in the street and going in full swing.

Aquarius
What the hell are you doing?!? Moving from one location will not make your problems go away! Just a new place with the same problems that you brought with you. You cannot put a band aid over a bullet wound, kid, sorry.

Pisces
Flutter, flutter, bounce! That is you...just going and doing and moving and groovin. You are not in one place too long right now. This is due to being completely bored with the world that wants to tie you down. Good for you to move in your own direction.

Aries
Don't hit your significant other with a loaf of bread...it will hurt more than you think. Fuck if I know what this means. What does it matter what I say anyway??? You never fuckin' listen. You think you know everything. I can't wait to see you hit yourself in the head with that great cosmic two by four plank of reality wood. Every time you get an ego hard on...you get smacked back in the face. I would think you would learn this by now...

Taurus
Don't drink too much. We don't want liver poisoning, now, do we? Taurus is always prone to over indulgence, possibly because they share planet Venus with Libra, who are the queens of over indulging. However, unlike YOU, Taurus, a Libra knows when to stop. You have no cut off switch. Find someone to be your cutoff switch and don't get pissy with them if they cut you off either.

Gemini
You know, I just bet that Valmont was a fucking Gemini. Fuck everything in sight and just hope for the best that no one finds out that you are having an affair with EVERYONE you know. "Just Good Friends" doesn't mean that with you...actually it just means that you like them enough to fuck them. And MAYBE you think you are doing some great service in fucking people, right? I mean, it's not like you have any money…

The Crab
HOOO BOY. I love you crabs. You hide under your bed all day and complain about the future. You bitch about why does the world not spin or sail to YOUR course. Well, maybe if you want something done, you have to fucking do it yourself, then…or are you just waiting for the lotto fairy to plop a wad of cash in your pants???

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