Woodbridge is a dreary and lackluster township in central New Jersey. The sky is always gray, all 8 trees are usually dead and there isn't much to do besides watch the war on CNN or go shopping at one of three local malls. Excitement in Woodbridge is rare, but it can be dramatic: whether you're having your car jacked at the mall, a propane tanker is blowing up a mile away in Staten Island or when Shat comes to town.
The scene: Packees nightclub. Packees is essentially a "Bennigan's" family restaurant that thinks it's a nightclub. Pass it on the road and you'll think: "there goes an Irish-themed, family restaurant with tons of tacky crap festooned on the walls - I bet they serve a bitchin' triple-decker fried ham and cheese sandwich coated in powdered sugar." Should you visit Packees, you'll soon find that the only "ham" and "cheese" is performing live on stage and the farm equipment, traffic signs and sports memorabilia have been replaced with diamond plate steel and video monitors showing topless women driving dune buggies.
The best thing about Packees is their female bartenders, who are too hot for Woodbridge, New Jersey, or the 37-year-old metalheads crusted around the bar. My instant favorite was a miniature, brunette bartender - she was loud, rowdy and covered in tattoos. She made me finish my shot of Jagermeister; a woman who makes me drink - now that's my kind of gal! Here's a tip for club owners: the cuter the bartender are, the more money I will spend on alcohol.
The metal and punk classics blasting from Packee's sound system ground to a halt, and shock-rocker George is Dead hit the stage. During a typical show George stabs his forehead with beer bottles and destroys televisions and religious statues. George is Dead ripped through their set of crude and lude scum rock, with George taking time to pound a broken Bud bottle into his forehead and then apologizing when he did not bleed copiously - George is a true professional.
George is Dead left the stage and my friend asked: "Do you mind if we leave early? I need to catch a plane." I was like: "Sure, lets see the first Shat song and leave".
But, we did not leave before I had time to buy another round of beer, we were paralyzed by the vision of a man wearing a German army helmet with no fewer than 4 pink dildos penetrating from the top, a giant 2 foot strap-on dildo swinging from his crotch and another smaller dildo swinging from his left tit. If Shat's cock-Mohawked singer wasn't freaky enough, Shat's drummer "Man-gina:" a man completely naked except for an "old man" mask, who, as far as we could tell from 20 feet away, had a vagina. YIKES!!! That's right, a naked man with no penis, no balls, and presumably, a vagina. Shat's guitarist, by no means a slacker in the freak department, was dressed in a diaper (soiled, I think), a baby mask and four prosthetic female breasts. I was in a state of total "shock and awe" and they hadn't played a single note of music.
I forgot which song came first: The Crabs, Gonorrhea Fountain, Odorous Yellow/Green Vagina Discharge, Grandpa is Playing with His Penis, I Fuck My Pillow, or Nothing Would be Finer Than to Lick your Mom's Vagina. All I know is I did not stop laughing from the first guitar cord to the moment Shat left the stage. The best song had to be It's About Time You Sucked on my Penis, during which the singer held up a clock with a spread-eagle naked woman on it. Folks, you won't find a clock like that at your local Wal-Mart.
Shat closed their set with I Threw Up on Her Cunt. By the end everyone in the house was pressed against the stage, and the tiny, brunette, tattooed bartender was totally tripping out - cheering and jumping up and down behind the bar. A woman who can enjoy a song called I Threw Up on Her Cunt is an incredibly awesome person. What a perfect tribute to Woodbridge, New Jersey as well! My friend I agreed - we were both glad we stayed for Shat.
I know what you're thinking: Shat sounds like the best elements of Gwar, the Dwarves and the Mentors combined, and you're right. If they come to your town, stash your family and pets in a "safe room," and head for the show. You might be disappointed with yourself, but you won't be disappointed with Shat.
George Is Dead: www.georgeisdead.net/