The Mean Little Column - "Getting Totally ReLoaded"

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The Mean Little ManYou guys all stink… you know that? I hate you all. Its been months since you all heard from your spikey-headed liege. But did any of you worry? How many of you checked the trunks of mysterious cars near the Mean Little Compound? Or the women’s showers at Rosie O’Donnell’s fat farm ‘A Bush in Hand Ranch’.

You all disgust me.

Actually, I am amazingly flattered. You must’ve figured that I could take care of myself, and didn’t need your mouth-breathing clichés of hope you got off of some mug with a kitty on it.

I’ll let you in on the last 7 months… Its been a wild ride.

I was trolling around the lesbian chat rooms, 40-oz in hand. (megan69694u if you’re interested) when this chick claiming to be 5’8”, 115 pounds, 36-24-34, and into vinyl and guys with attitude starts chatting me up. I agree to meet her later that night, lube in hand.

Hell, she must be a nasty chick. With a handle like Trinity I figured her for a 3-input girl. Well, she was not lying. Definitely kick-ass. Right down to the attitude that lets hot chicks scowl and wear sunglasses in a dark thumping club.

“I know why you are here”, she said, raspy. No shit. I liked what that outfit was wearing. I haven’t seen vinyl that taut and shapely since they did away with the Chevy Nova.

“You are looking for an answer to a question.” Hell yeah I was! I was wondering if I had to pour drinks down her throat all night, or if we could skip the bullshit and get to some humpty scrumpty.

“Do you know what the Matrix is?”

“Yes,” I replied, “It’s a shitty car from Ford.” Just then this overly-goth looking dude came over in a straight-from-Hot-Topic coat, and a haircut from Bob’s Big Boy.

“I am Neo” he said.

“You guys and shitty cars” I said. “Do you mean Neon, or Geo?”

“You don’t understand. I am the one.”

“I thought Picard was number one. Now go play with your number two, I’m trying to get some action here.” I should’ve figured she was his girl. He seemed spineless and dopey, ‘cause he flew out of the club.

Well, we chatted it up for a while. More shitty cars, lotsa computer talk. And here I figured her for a knock-down drag-out spade-shovel to the head freak.

I was of course disappointed.

After a while this big black guy came over. They whispered a bit. He seemed cool. Must’ve been about an after-hours ‘cause next thing I know we’re in a phat hacker pad with all these overly styled people.

He sat back and said he was going to offer me a choice.

“You take the blue pill, and tomorrow you wake up, and your life goes on the same.”

“What is it with the pills?” I asked. “A surprise party for Robert Downey Jr.?”

“You take the red pill, and you get to see how far the rabbit hole goes.”

“Yeah right! I take the red pill, and the depth of the rabbit hole will be measured by the red-ball-gag scene in Pulp Fiction method. Not my idea of a fun night. No thanks. I saw that date-rape drug movie on Lifetime.”

Just then Neon Geo dude shows up saying they have trouble. The trouble must’ve been the band found out where the party with the pills was, ‘cause the next thing I know I got guys in black suits bursting through the door.

I guess Huey Lewis and his News wanted a new drug pretty bad, as they came in hard.

I gotta tell you, there’s only one buzzkill worse than Huey Lewis showing up to a party. Its when Huey Lewis and his crew shows up so jonesing they got their gats blazing.

Neon Geo had no trouble going toe to toe. Trinity was all doing Charlie’s Angel flips. I don’t know if it is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman, but the sweater-meat didn’t drip a bit of sweat.

I took the opportunity to fulfill a dream.

It wasn’t Huey, but I kicked the closest News member in the nuts. I was overcome by a moment of melancholy.

“Too bad it wasn’t Hootie” I said to myself, longingly.

Well, Huey and his crew can bring it hard. Trinity didn’t hold ground for long and whisked His Meanness out of there. Up to the roof. I was wondering if she wanted some privacy to better get to know the spikes ;-). She was hot, but I was pretty pissed.

“Listen Trinity.” I said, sternly. “I don’t care how hot you are. You talked me up all night, took me to a party with your shitty-car crew, offered me pills to get me corn-holed, and you pissed off Huey Lewis in the process.”

She needed to be taught a lesson that such. These things aren’t very nice.

I spanked her hard. Not because I wanted to, but because someone had to.

Not long after that I was whisked away to the White House.

“Mr. Man” President Snorty said, looking up from his plate of Columbia’s finest, “mind if I call you Mean?”

“Mr. Man is fine, thankyou.” Like he gets to be first-name basis after whisking me away from stalking the Olsen twins. They just turned 18 you know. Its all legal now spanky!

“We have a situation in Iraq, and we need your help.”

“Ok, go on” I said. I was buying time of course. It was closing in on dinner time and this bourbon-monkey wasn’t getting out of taking me to Sizzler.

“We believe that Saddam has Weapons of Mass Destruction. We need you to find them.” So what? He has no means of getting them to America. And he’d more likely use them on his neighbor’s who like to chant ‘Death To Americans’ the way we say ‘Supersize It!’

“We believe Saddam has hidden these weapons under the country’s vast deposits of oil. We intend to invade Iraq, and remove all this oil for analysis here in the United States.”

“You have a jet, right?”

“I do. Its really bitchin.” He said.

“So why don’t you just go and have the military get your oil for analysis. They don’t need you or me for that. Wouldn’t it be more fun to hop that jet and check out the scene in Bangkok? I hear Viagra is over the counter there.”

His beady eyes piqued at the notion. He grabbed the phone.

“Honey? I have to go to N.O.R.A.D. for a couple weeks.” He cupped his hand over the phone “She always falls for that one.” …. “Yeah, there’s a real situation brewing. You be ok?”

They talked for a minute and we were off. As he packed in his bedroom I could swear I heard the First Lady on the phone across the hall. “…. Yup. At least two weeks Ramon…. Bring the new Anal Intruder with Sphincterific motion?…. Great…. See you in a couple hours. I’ll have the cattle prod ready.”

Of course as soon as we hit the lay-over in Hawaii I asked him for a couple of thousand for the pay toilet (like he’d know how much it costs to take a shit in Honolulu). I ditched him like a broke buddy at a strip club. I figured he must’ve headed back to Washington. The next day the NASDAQ dropped another 5%.

So here I write from the land of King Kamaya-maya. I miss Trinity, and hope that next time she and I meet we only piss off Devo. They are total pussies. Besides, what fun are spankings in anger?

I almost feel sad. But I gotta tell ya, the Kumoniwannalaya sisters just made my private hot tub clothing-optional, and what the fuck do you care what I did for the past seven months anyways!

Hugs and Smooches,
The Mean Little Man

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