Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

Chain Border

Leo
Money makes the world go around and baby do you know how to set a fire under everyone’s ass to get a job done. My hats off to you for that ball rolling get this turkey off the ground kind of attitude. However, watch out for frivolous investments to try to turn around and bite you in the naughty bits soon…it will be something waaaaay out from left field that you thought was a dead issue, so watch it. After the shitstorm it will be smooth sailing and an occasional tryst.

Virgo
Every time I see you anymore you are whining about the one that got away. I really do feel for you, honest I do…however there comes a time in everyone’s life where you just say “ FUCK IT” and move the hell on…this is YOUR personal FUCK IT time, sweetie. Move the hell on and to hell with that bitch/bastard.

Libra
Okay, I see that someone needs to get laid soon…very soon. I see much prosperity in your future, especially if you have ANY kind of Capricorn anywhere in your charts. Bear in mind, that’s just my opinion. I also see that you are getting comfortable with yourself. It has always been my experience that when a Libra finally is happy with themselves the world for them is their oyster. Start shucking’ baby, because you are about to reap the roller coaster of your life anew in a more happier kind of chaos and love the ride, most of all.

Scorpio
I don’t know when it happened, however, Libra seems to be sucking up all you whoring powers. Personally I think it has to do with the humidity. Scorpios HATE humidity. True, they do like moderately warm weather, but hate humidity, to them it feels like walking through a wet towel. But seriously, this might be a chance for you to regroup and remember some of those projects that you have been putting on the back burner for a while…look into a few loose ends at least.

Sagittarius
You love and live for the high life…too bad you can’t afford to be a party babe anymore, but in truth your monies are being currently diversified into a more long term permanent real life melodrama. All I hope is that you are making long thought out decisions instead of your usual kick the door open and fly in on a whim sort of plan…not that this is exactly bad, but sometimes tact can be our friend.

Capricorn
Money is your conduit. I don’t know why. Emotionally you are ready and deserve a good time. There are parties/events that will be taking place in your future. Harness the power of your stronger friends in the earth or fire signs and you might just see a whole new world open up to you that you only read about in the deepest darkest corners of your fantasies. Pretty fuckin cool, huh?

Aquarius
Who did you blow to get where you are currently? Maybe the give me a break gods decided to not shit on you this month…then again, maybe they are just getting started to prepare to rock your world. Your work is what keeps you going.. You go through relationships like toffees so romance is way on the back burner for you. I pity the fact if you have a relationship that does not know when to leave you the hell alone, you cannot give up on that you have been so long working so hard for, its time to put your houses in order, babe.

Pisces
The sad truth is that you want the best out of life, but the misery of it all is that there are some wooly and weary parts of your past that are leaving a battle scar on you soul that you just can’t let go…its kind of like pouring salt on an old wound. Let it go. I have a Pisces friend that was married to a Taurus that had a HUGE overindulgence problem and it was not discovered until it was too late…the death kind of too late. It’s been practically a decade now and still I hear that even though my previous Pisces friend (we lost touch…as beings do in real life) is wanting to remarry this other person that really and truly loves them…they flashback to the past. Babe, life is risk. Death is real as well as a risk to wonder how long we got. Death said it best in the Sandman series, “I give everyone a chance of at least one lifetime.” it doesn’t matter how long you got, it’s the minutes you make count and able to remember matter.

Aries
You are a train wreck waiting to happen. You have goals and you got itineraries…but you need FUNDS. You really need to pull your finances into some MAJOR order. Jobs are waiting for you to finish…actual paid fuckin’ jobs and what are you doing? Getting stoned on your couch wondering why you can’t get laid and considering divorce on and off again so you can be blatantly unfaithful. Sigh. Take a deep breath, get the money for a new vibrator since your other one broke…gee, a Aries broke a vibrator? And this is new to me…how? Your life would be sooo much better if you jerked off more.

Taurus
Your hobbies and your career are about to meet somewhere in the middle ground. You would love to finish your schooling, but quite frankly it bores you…your Aries girlfriend just left to go buy a vibrator…your Libra friends are acting like sluts and Virgos are whining about true love. It’s no wonder why you smoke or drink so much. Just don’t over do it, babe.

Gemini
have some pretty funky ideas about your future. You want to sit on a beach earning ten percent of whatever rich person comes along that you pray will whisk you away from the shit that is your life. Also you are dwelling on the ‘oh my god I am so old’ thing. You will always find a Gemini in the plastic surgeons office. Don’t believe me? Fucking try it sometime, I dare you. I would suggest to the ego that is Gemini that they need to stop hitting on the same ones that told them to go away or the ones that hate them…there are always newer and younger models coming up and it looks like the new models of cuteness may be the Virgo class. Learn a craft or hobby. Never rely on your looks alone.

The Crab
Oh my god where did you find that new toy??? You have become the never ending god of new neet fucking insane stuff. Your scavenger skills are at full capacity right now, you love antiquing, yard sales and swap meets…this is where you truly shine like a strobe light. I suggest getting into the antique dealing business. Seriously, there would be major bucks in it for you, honey. Which you need always.

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