Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
I know you think you are getting the royal treatment these days, but believe me – it is just a façade. Someone IS trying to butter you up for the slaughter. Don't fall for any Aries tricks for the next month or so, especially on Mondays. However, since the sun is returning and your birthday will be coming up sooner than you think, you will be most assured that you will rise to any occasion.

Virgo
Watch out for liars these next coming weeks – ex girl/boy friends especially. Also an evil used car salesman or two. Be aware that these are the times of Loki – the God of lies. So don't be caught with your innuendoes down.

Libra
Power days are coming. Get more water, sleep, better food, exercise and diet because you are soooo gonna need it for the next three months. Things for you will officially slow down in December so you can regroup. But, for the next few months, keep your enemies close to you, but your friends closer so they can slap your happy dramatic ass back into reality when that evil bitch you hate shows up at a party.

Scorpio
Ho.hum. Things just plodding right along its merry little way in your dark and crusty world. By the way: what the fuck is it with you and whipped cream lately?!?! Thank goddess you aren't lactose intolerant.

Sagittarius
You are the kind of person that likes to light up Twinkies to see if they are flammable (by the way, they ARE, if they are NOT fresh.). It is nice to see that the magic wand of reality has smacked you over the head instead of a two by four. I really hope this 'being a contributing member of society' shtick of yours is going to last because that equals lots of money and power in your future if you follow up and stay the course.

Capricorn
Okay – I'm gonna say that since your Capricorn moon will be entering around somewhere near the 2nd weekend of August and, looking at the other elements for the next six weeks surrounding you, be prepared for the emotional roller coaster of that which we call "YOUR LIFE." Let me explain: First, we got you rebelling against Virgo & Cancer’s Logic and reason. THEN we got your emotions outta whack between Libra and Scorpio. Plus you are keeping lusty Aries and Leos co-workers at bay . Emotions are being split right now between love and lust and love vs. logic. So who will win this hayride? Depends on what it is you TRULY want out of life, Bucky!

Aquarius
You know, hiding from the world will not make the oogie darkness which is in your soul go away. No matter how many times you move, no matter how many times you run away: the evil stays with you. It's like fabric sheets. In the laundry you call life, it just sticks to you. Confront and face your fears before September. I hope you actually take my advice.

Pisces
Actually life for you is great – don't conjure up old dead ghosts that have already transgressed beyond the veil. It is good to see you are now living in the current time instead of dwelling on the past. In fact, why the fuck are you reading this???? Go out to a fucking movie or dinner or something. Get out of the house. GO!!!!

Aries
No one except a Virgo goes to the doctor more than you. You should be happy around the end of July/beginning of August. There is much chaos and you thrive on it. You like to create chaos for your friends just because it gives you something to do when you are bored. Don't gloat on other people's misery and you have other issues to deal with right now. Like your family for instance. Your family really need to fall back on you right now. You got to be the strong one for their sake.

Taurus
Just a normal day in paradise for you sweetie. Actually things are looking up in your future. You are even giggly every now and again. Just let everyone else dance the dance of the idiot brigade and you just sit and watch the floor show.

Gemini
This is a strange place for you to be right now. You have two choices: to be either honest about who you have fucked OR to lie about who you HAVEN'T fucked. Either way you may be just fucked. The choice is yours and will either destroy or affirm someone's feelings about you. I am so glad to not be you right now.

Cancer
I have noticed that when the sun is in your sign everyone is having charity walks and fun runs for every Cause/Illness/Organization. You name it. (You know: Race for a cure. Save the Lemmings.) Hence why you have such a bleeding heart/cause fighter nature. Save the wombat posters in your kitchen. Clicking on the hunger site.coms on every computer on the floor of your office where you work to get another can of food for children/puppies and rainforests everywhere. You live for the quirky cause. However, do not let it suck you up until all that is left is a middle-aged clog-wearing wanna-be hippy in expensive tie dye and all that is left of you is just scar tissue. To be a cause fighter, you don’t have to wear Birkenstocks. Okay, I do. But I'm a Libra, deal with it. Don't let causes and "The Right Thing" force YOU to do something that You feel is wrong or makes YOU uncomfortable. OKAY? Ok. By the way .I also go to hunger sites and click daily. And at work. So you ain't alone either.

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