Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
Okay, so with the delusions of Godhood out the window it looks like smooth sailing but for only about a month. But that gives you enough time to catch a movie and your emails.

Virgo
Get the clue that you need to stop paying for sex, OKAY??? No? Alright, try this number…1-976---

Libra
You are completely tired of everyone’s bullshit. You need a vacation. BAD. I’m thinking’ margaritas and nekkid men personally.

Scorpio
You need to help Libras get away from everyone’s bullshit, babe. They need YOU. With your special “FUCK YOU ALL” ‘tude.

Sagittarius
Friends need you to help pull their heads out of their asses. And YOU are just the person to do it, too!

Capricorn
You need to take a moment or two and just reflect on the insanity that has been shooting at your head for the last 12 months. I see a vacation this same time next year in your future…

Aquarius
You need help. Get out, get laid, get a facial, I can give a flying fig whatever it is you go do...just go somewhere and get a new something because you are on the rung right before you hit everyone’s shit list. I just had a recent friend of mine, naturally an Aquarius, get a blow job in a hearse recently...typical. Fuckin Aquarius, one way or another they are either cumming or going.

Pisces
Blowjobs are the only thing on your mind right now…oh well, why mess with a good thing. It’s not like you are using your brain for anything else right now...

Aries
Planning for your future is the best thing for yourself that you can do. For you and your family. Keep at it, little camper ! ! !

Taurus
Just relax…everything will be well. Think happy thoughts and deep breaths and stop listening to your roommates crap.

Gemini
You little lying two faced mutha fucker. No wonder no one trusts you. You lie way too much than the normal person.

Cancer
Time for some new shoes baby! Because you have let the fashion side of you just totally go to shit! What have you done to YOU?

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