Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
An odd time for you my friend. Especially towards woman's issues. Maybe because someone may be cheating on you...or are you cheating on someone yourself...OR are you having to keep a secret for someone you know who is cheating on someone you care about? That seems the most probable. Sucks to be you right now, huh? Feeling like you can't say a fucking thing about the truth...you know what? The truth will set you free.

Virgo
All is wishy washy on the western front...you want to rekindle some sort of a love affair of a chocky romance...but you are on a timeline. I suggest you find your goal soon, before it's too late.

Libra
Emotions are runny right now...actually they are running at full steam. On the lighter side just think how clean the house is going to be since when you are angry, you clean. The peace and quiet that you have been yearning for has been destroyed with chaos and jealousy. Your past is exactly JUST that. The past...your present is so much more fun anyway.

Scorpio
Revenge is what keeps you going. You are going to have to pick someone up off the floor pretty soon due to drama...I feel sorry for whatever prick bastard that pissed YOU off recently. I am just glad that it ain't me.

Sagittarius
You are being aloof...choose your aloofness wisely and know who or whom to be aloof to. You are really hurt by what someone has said...but believe me, sweetie, they had NO idea that they were hurting your feelings, honest. Let it slide for now, and crazy glue their penis to their stomach while they sleep when they fuck up NEXT time...

Capricorn
What should I do? Tattoo the words "WILLING VICTIM" to your forehead? You need to embrace you inner bitch, honey. Go to the spiritual chiropractor and find your hidden backbone...fight back for a fucking change. You are always taking it up the ass with a chain link dildo without ANY lube, that shit just needs to stop.

Aquarius
Oh honey, are YOU ever on my shit list right now...have a seat, let me make you a cup of tea before I rip ya a new one. You cannot pull the wool over everyone's eyes, honey. And you are losing friends left and right. Don't destroy your relationships...they may be the thing...in fact the only thing left to keeping you human. Fucking sonofabitch...remember those that put you where you are can easily knock you down, too.

Pisces
Just going through the motions is not going to help you anymore. You need to decide WHO you have to be. You have made major improvements by leaps and bounds in your life and you are happier now...but it’s downtime for a little while, honey. But be not forgetful to those that love you. You have too much and so much love to give left in this world, honey. Don't waste your batteries of energy on the stupid.

Aries
You thought things were bad before, well guess what? They are about to get worse...trust me I know what I am talking about. You want to travel and be free...okay then, do it. Don't just wait for the loser you live with or roommate to decide to give you the green light. GO. Do what you want. It’s time to take out the trash and get rid of the extra baggage in your life. You will be so much happier when you do.

Taurus
The happiest person in the world is a fool and you have accomplished this task. You hate drama with a passion and yet, however, love to watch it from a distance. As long as you are not in the middle. Hey, it sure beats the hell out of cable television.

Gemini
Lets just sit back and watch your mood swings FLY! I mean, have you been giving out slut ho lessons to Aquarians lately? I hope you got paid well. Its time to put things into some sort of perspective towards your future, though. You don't need sex to make things feel better...there is ALWAYS chocolate and back massages. Not everything needs to be sex.

Moonchildren
Wallowing around in your own self pity won't do a damn thing for you but make you smell bad from not bathing while laying in the pig pen we call your room for the last few weeks. You so need a fucking hobby. Re-evaluate before it’s too late.

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