Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
Okay, we know you have a big yearn for that special someone and you get extra pouty if you don't get what you want. Well, just hold on there a momento, Poodle! Just because now is NOT the right time to strike, does NOT mean to not try to strike, later. Give shit time to work out for itself...then advance for that greener pasture, babe.

Virgo
Okay, you have been invited to a gazillion parties and dates...why are you not acting on them? Has the rumor mill fairy clouded your better judgment towards your real friends? Sucks to be you then, don't it? Why? Because if you believe everything that everyone says about your friends...pretty soon you won't have any friends left...and you will end up cold, bitter, drunk and alone...kind of like right now, except worse. Stop hiding under a fucking rock.

Libra
Right now, things are insane...nothing new for you, right? Which by the way is just the way you like it...fine. It’s everyone else around you that is fucked up. Small ear or sinus infections seize their moment on you right away...the flu right now can really knock your ass off balance, oh great sign of the scales that you are...ever striving for balance, you will constantly be falling over due to incorrect equilibrium. So, best to jack up on the vitamin C and get that flu shot before shit gets worse. Ignore or play nice with the drama queens or the stupid people in your life and all will be well. Besides, you have bigger fish to fry.

Scorpio
You SO don't feel sexy right now, so why now of ALL times is everybody hitting on you??? Your feet hurt, your are crabby, you are coming down with a cold from the kids (anybody's kids...they don't have to be yours to catch it!), ya feel like shit, NOW people are popping out of the woodwork and wanna date??? That is just TOO weird. Best to take time to relax before the holiday hell that you get sucked into every stinking year. Maybe some meditation...which is just my way of saying take an elongated catnap.

Sagittarius
Legally speaking, you have enough power to shake down the heavens...in real life: you are totally exhausted! You aren't getting the chance to see long time friends, you are crabby, you are taking everything personally... Rest assured it will all work out okay. Things are looking up. I see an addition to your family tree...so go ahead and go. Goddess speed and good luck to you, babe!

WordsCapricorn
Oh silly Cappie! If you are in pain there is NO amount of chamomile tea in the world that can replace a good shot of Demerol in the tushy from your local physician! The truth is, things really ARE beginning to go your way, so relax, it's only taken the second half of the year to get the world and your cosmic shit together...but it will be worth it. You need to vocalize better when you are unhappy instead of grinning and bearing it.

Aquarius
Who the hell are you again, and what have you done with that sweet adorable Aquarius we all know and love? Okay, maybe not always loved, but at least liked a lot from time to time. You are in the official damned if you do...damned if you don't category. You cannot make everyone happy. So you might as well get that out of your head right now. You however have possibly backed the wrong polo ponies though. And I sense a great loss of something sacred to you in your life, possibly due to your indiscretions, lies, deceit and vanity...always vanity. Well, I hope the prize is worth it, otherwise you are SO kissing MAJOR ass the next 13 months coming up.

Pisces
You do have a spark of the old you still hidden locked away kiddo....no matter how much we all change in life, in truth, we all stay the same. You need to open up with your loved ones...tell them how you feel. Share with the group. I am not saying bear your entire soul, that's just silly. Don't say too much that someone might have evidence to use against you in a drunken stupor...heaven forbid! But I am saying that not everybody really IS a psychic...and that not everybody knows what you are thinking or feeling, okay? Okay.

WordsAries
My god, just HOW much of a DRAMA QUEEN are you? You are holding secrets like precious gems for use in blackmail later or to use for personal warfare if someone crosses you. Or to get what you want no matter WHO it hurts...so you whine and wonder WHY no one trusts you? HELLO!? You are irritating, childish, annoying and a wannabe power player who will do anything to get what you want...and to hell with the consequences. Gee...I really wanna put ALL my trust into you! That was sarcasm, folks.

For the more adult older Aries: I gotta admit, you are just sitting and watching these younger rams go by and just live to crack up from their mistakes. Good for you, babe, live on your own signs’ misery. Maybe the younger sheep will learn something from you. I doubt it since they think THEY are gods gift to knowledge, but at least then, older Aries, you have the satisfaction of having a front row seat to watch younger Aries crash and burn. I hope you brought the popcorn.

Taurus
You are so tired of being love's bitch. You are tired of being nagged at, yelled at, stomped on, bitched at ...enough already! Pretty soon, just ONE more thing will set you off and then there is NO telling what you might do. Either way, you will NOT be held responsible for your own actions...just don't do something stupid. You are right...this situation that you are currently in IS bullshit. However, you knew that the job was dangerous when you took it.

Gemini
You are a big fuzzy gray area right now, twins. Everything depends right now on how mature you REALLY are. If you are immature, you are fucked. If not, there is hope. That's all I can really say to you at this time, kid, except that not ALL gifts or holidays are all about YOU. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a lot back, ya know?

Moonchilde
Man do you ever suffer from Seasonal Anxiety Disorder (SAD) or WHAT? I highly suggest to you one of those lamps that pretend to be the sun so you aren't more depressed or moody than your USUAL depressed and moody self that we all know and love. Also don't end up the token wallflower at the proverbial punch bowl at the parties either...live a little. But if you do however feel uncomfortable in a party atmosphere, which actually CAN happen (lotsa drinking out there can make people stupid), then just leave the situation. It's okay. You have every right to tell Uncle Smitty that he's being an asshole and leave Aunt Bea's party. If you don't wanna drink you don't HAVE to. It's okay.

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