Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
HOOOBOY. You are BEYOND credit card debt. And jealous to boot! You are so worried that they are all out to get you...they are. And with weapons, too! What's in your wallet? I would not be a bit surprised if you have five credit cards OR MORE that are MAXXED up to the nines this holiday season. I have one suggestion at the beginning of the year for your new year's resolutions for you: Credit Counselor.

Virgo
A wise Scorpio once told me that Virgos are just like elastic: They always snap back. This is where you are right now. You have been in the crapper for the last few months lately. Well I am glad to say that you are about to snap and take back your life.

Libra
You need to start squirreling away money for a brighter future. You can't be too sure what ever is around the corner in your crazy flighty life that you are so prone to have, little gypsy of love. I understand you don't like to be tied down, but you do need to take care of the basics like food, hairdressers, eyeglasses, shelter. You get the drift yet?

Scorpio
Enjoy the fact that everyone is sucking up to you right now. Who knows how long this will last. Don't be surprised if fire signs right now can't stand you, they want to play god...and that makes you laugh hysterically. Pay it no mind. Those that have been royal bastards and are wrong will be paying hell and groveling for forgiveness later.

Sagittarius
You need to find your own voice. You don't like the way your life is going: CHANGE IT. You aren't happy? Find your own soul...find your spark. You are glowing with brilliance and intelligence. Don't ever forget what such a good person you are.

Capricorn
You have to be the mommy right now. Everyone needs you to be their mommy type. Let's face it, though. It's the truth. You are the one that makes sure that everyone you know eats, makes sure they have clean clothes, you make sure that they are taken care of and are there when they need help. You aren't really the soapy shoulder to cry on...you are more or less a provider, a nurturer...cultivate this beautiful talent that you have and expound on it.

Aquarius
You, my friend, are in the shithouse. You have much forgiveness points to rack up on your being an asshole frequent flyer miles. Just kidding...however, when did you become so shallow? I mean, being aloof is one thing sweetie, but you don't have to be a schmuck to everyone and rub in how fabulous you are. Anyone who really knows you KNOWS how fabu you are...why prove it to them? In the end, you will end up looking boring if you keep bragging.

Pisces
It seems that a new venue for a lost love has been rekindled. Your favorite craft has been missing from your life and it seems to have switched into the fast lane in the mainstream part of your life again...how fantabulous is that? Honestly though, don't forget the little people that treated you like crap when you climbed your way to the top...it will be even MORE fun when you walk on them with spiked stilettos while smiling. Remember revenge is a dish best served cold....with an extra helping of an AK-47 and a Jack Daniels chaser. CHEERS!

WordsAries
You are really paranoid lately. You think the world is out to get you. You think that everyone wants to shag your significant other. Well, I am here to tell you that it’s all true. You do have some people that want to fuck your betrothed. Just remember that it takes two to tangle. If the person you love is screwing around, and you aren't into open relationships, then its time to shit or get off the pot.

Taurus
Honey, no matter how much shopping you will do it won't be enough for that "special" person. Listen. That special person is a cuntwad, okay? They are only out for your wallet and whoever you are dating. They only want either a commitment with jewelry which is way too expensive for these twits...OR they want a car. Hell! YOU can't even get yourself a car right now, why the fuck would you want to buy someone else a car?!? That does not make sense, honey. You need to take care of you and your own...the good things will follow.

Gemini
You are so easily distracted by glitter and tinsel. You also love getting presents even if it’s not your birthday. However, one little problem that you may be having right now: alcohol. Hey babes…been there. Everyone wants you to live a little" and hell, one egg nog is okay, but don't get smashed by these so called "friends" of yours who WANT to see you make a fool out of yourself. If this so be the case, then they are not your real friends. Vino is okay as a stand by rule. Martinis may be alright, but stay away from the hard liquors, okay? Tummy flu may be coming your way. Do you really want to puke technicolor all over aunt Myrtle’s new cashmere coat just because uncle Dave and cousin Billy Bob wanted to hoist a few? I didn't think so.

The Crab
Moody moody moody...that's you in a nutshell. Actually you might like living in a nutshell... its just SO you! Anywho – the truth is you are finding the holiday spirit just in the nick of time this year. Maybe its that whole capturing Saddam thing on television (doesn't he look like Fidel Castro's lost love child or is it just me?!?!) that has lifted your spirits. You are thinking that there just MAY be good people on the planet and may give money to charity. Good for you, sugarplum. Now, if you don't mind, there is a sale on sweaters and mamma's gotta refill her flask for the sales. Good Luck to you this new year, honey!

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