Horrorscopes

Leo
Fussy pissy whiney and moany. Yep, that's you right now. You have all these plans and goals to get shit done...small problem: when are you going to get up off your lazy ass now and do it? I don't want to sound like a drunk Irish mother, but: "If you don't do all you can in this life, how are you going to do it when you are dead?" My grandmother use to say that (token favorite Irish drunken woman). Sound advice. Actually I think that advice was from my mother who is half Gypsy Rom and half Carney and some Polish thrown in for flavor...well, which ever woman I heard it from, it's fucking wise wisdom. JUST DO IT. I saw that on a sneaker ad once...before I leave, I just want to know: Are all Leos kleptomaniacs or is that just my imagination?

Virgo
My father is a Virgo and whenever he gets depressed he gets liquored up and starts calling all the families answering machines and sings Broadway show tunes. You can always tell when he is finished by the time he starts into the Camelot and Kismet soundtracks. He is also a hypochondriac. Every time he sneezes, he thinks he's dying of some disease that hasn't even been discovered yet...or is only found in Guatemalan skin divers that smoke herring off the coasts of Fiji. My father has never been to Fiji, nor is he even close to Guatemalan. He did go to Argentina once to smuggle horses there for a friend of his that was a prince that lived in Argentina...but that's a story for another day. The point is: if you think you are sick, don't self diagnose yourself. But also remember not to overindulge. If you are lonely, go join a group thing in your local area. I'll stop there. If you want to hear more outrageous things about my father, stay tuned to this station next time.

Libra
For freaks of nature, you take the bleeding cake. First you complain of not having a job...then you complain about working too many hours...then you complain that your hair is too frizzy. Then it's too limp. Then you think you look fat...then you think you are worried that you may be losing too much weight too quickly. Okay, it's true. If Libras did not have anything to complain about in life they would DIE. Libras need chaos or else they have no way to balance out the normalcy. All I have to say is that the scale people need to watch the scales as far as weight goes. There are never medium weights for Librans...they are either thin or fluffy. There is no middle ground. Luckily for the blessed good bone structure that the goddess of love gave them, they can hide twenty pounds here and there on their bodies unlike Taurus or Aries. Time to go back to the gym tomorrow, sweetie.

Scorpio
My mother, queen she bitch Scorpio that she is...don't worry, she finds that saying cute. Mom always says, "I may not get you today, maybe not tomorrow...but I will get you. And you will never know the revenge was from me." This is advice coming from the same woman that has a Masters in psychology because she used the whole family as her personal guinea pigs during my childhood. Such is the world of a Scorpio. Please, for your own sake as well as for the human race, do NOT piss a Scorpio off. If you are a Scorpio and have pissed off another Scorpio...please just move out of town. Now and avoid the rush. Scorpios fighting amongst one another is bad. They don't take prisoners. If you are angered at the stupidity of an Aries...plan your revenge but don't act right now. Go play chess...you love chess. Wait for your move. Aries and Scorpios are always toe to toe with one another...its like Richard Burton and Liz Taylor and automatic weapons all rolled into one. Just bide your time, babe.

Sagittarius
Feel like everyone around you is an idiot? You would be right. The ones that want you are butt ugly and the ones you love are either too stupid to realize or just brain dead. Best to either show them the way or to scrap them altogether. Better to fuck a smart witless artist than wait for an intelligent clue free schoolteacher. But this is my opinion...and we all know what I say about Sagittarius and horoscopes: "You already know what I am going to say to you since you already looked it up yourself , so why are you bothering to ask me? " Why? Because Sags always have to prove that they are right. (I think this has something to do with them being so close to Scorpio...but that's an opinion).

Capricorn
You have so much to offer the world. Don't squander yourself on idle gossip and chit chat. I love the fact also that you keep crying poor to some people (especially people that want to borrow money from you) yet you always have the roof over the head and a new mink coat. Go figure. Don't fall into the rumor mill...it could bite you on the ass later. And such a cute ass it is. Watch your ass, someone is plotting to kick it. Someone is jealous of your looks, your money, your relationships. Just be careful is all I want to say. Now go and have a good time and forget those that want to take things from you. People that want things more from you than friendship are not your true friends...okay? Okay.

Aquarius
You know, I have a love hate relationship with Aquarians. Why? Because I have five or six water bearer friends and they all have these FANTASTIC ideas for projects...and when they get the ball just ready to roll they back out! They blow it. Why? Because for so many years people like parents called them failures so they figured to just live up to their worst expectations. Look, far be it for me to have a bitch session on you guys, but this is your life now, not anyone else's. Find your true spark and follow its beam until you reach your goal. Follow through. Start small and work your way up.

Pisces
You spent way too much money lately. But you know that it will come back to you three fold. Money wise I would hold out on severe stock investments, but you may want to look into some long term investments. Maybe a house? Have you been looking into beach front property lately? How about something with houses and sand? Some sort of an equity and for some reason beaches or sand keeps coming back up. Water...lakes...boating? PLEASE let me know what this is in my head. Maybe you will be hoisted by cute pirates. I dunno, but let me know.

Aries
Sometimes young Aries can learn a lot from older Rams. Either way, you may want to lay on the down low. Especially if you borrowed something or you took something without permission or heaven forbid, stole something. This would not be the best time to rattle cages if you know what I am telling you. On the flip side of this, older Aries need to collect their funds to make a big jump into a travel expense. You may be going on that trip you have always wanted. I just hope you have the stomach for it. Good luck and remember to pack small boxes for moving...not big huge boxes. Why? Because you will probably be the one that has to carry all the stuff on moving day...I wouldn't want you to strain your back.

Taurus
Life is pretty ho hum to you...unless you live with a fire sign. Then you will never get any sleep. You know, there are pretty good signs out there that are not fire for you...maybe a nice Capricorn or an Aquarius might be good. Leos treat you like royalty, but watch out when they roar...which is often. Aries...don't get me started. And Sagittarius will wake you up (which you hate) in the middle of the night to just talk about Agrippa. Taurus are pretty meat and potato people. You don't hide secrets well, so if you have to keep a secret from someone for the next few weeks my best suggestion is to just not talk to that person until either the secret is out or it doesn't matter anymore. You suck at keeping things from people. You are an honesty whore. I wish we had more Taurus Politicians...which is funny because that would mean we would have a lot more truth...but a lot more Bull. Okay...it was funny at three a.m.

Gemini
You seem to think the world owes you a living. HA! Not only HA, but FUCKIN HA HA HA! Get up off your butt and finish what you have started. Geminis have a great eye for all of the fine arts…f they would just do it! I know I am constantly bitching at you. I believe you would have a golden globe or a million dollars or your own star cruiser if you would just focus and harness that nervous talking energy into a pinpoint of power. Just try it for a week and see what happens. One week. Okay?

Moonchild
You constantly have to be reminded that you are loved. Well you are loved. Move on. But seriously, sweetie. You have a lot to offer the whole world. Don't squander it on crap. You have a soul screaming for more that just the mediocre. Shine on baby! Bring that disco ball that is your soul and twirl.