Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Leo
Let the groveling begin! You knew you were right. All your friends knew you were right. However, you let this scumbag get the better of you. Now baby, payback is going to be a sweet bitch with an uzi and a bottle of scotch. Enjoy reaping your tasty revenge.

Virgo
You know, you really do have an issue with drinking. Not to excess, mind you, but WHERE you drink. You have to be SEEN in the PERFECT location. If not perfect location, then perfectly wonderful due to notoriety, if not that, then expensive tastes...actually I'm not only talking about alcohol here, sweetie. You have a price tag for everything. Splurge well, just don't let there be that 'one that got away' story come back to haunt you in your future, just because you were not willing to compromise a little on the budget.

Libra
Surprise Surprise. The melodrama queen is NOT you this month...give it time. Everyone else full of drama? Yes. You? No. You are fine wandering around in your own reality. In truth, the fairy glamour of someone you cared for has been stripped away and you see the twerp for what they really are. Amazing when you get rid of some people in your life, that you surprisingly have more money to spend on that most precious friend that would never steer you wrong: YOURSELF. Besides, I knew you would get rid of that loser anyway, because honey, quite frankly, your idea of roughing it is no room service.

Scorpio
DRAMA QUEEN THAT IS YOU. Wear your tiara well! Wield your scepter onto unknowing friends and relatives. You have been the queen of melodrama for days! But you know what? Getting a little old now, isn't it? Takes too much effort to really give a shit, huh? Time to refocus and reprioritize.

Sagittarius
Everyone is the freak but you. Isn't that FABULOUS? I have seen so many Sags that are notorious for being weirdness magnets. Their life is perfectly fine...then a friend that is a bohemian absinthe swigger from Milan shows up with their boyfriend and girlfriend and want to find a Parisian villa to turn into an old Porno star rest home...and well, this is a normal day for a Sag. The best thing about this weirdness factor, honey, is that it definitely will cut down on your cable and television watching. So enjoy.

Capricorn
I don't know what to make of you anymore. What or who exactly are you? Tough cookie? Weeping willow? Smoldering temptress? Aggressive gigolo? Or in truth, isn't it evil manipulative genius? Hmmm. Do you even know what the fuck you are doing with your own life? You need to put your own house in order, duckie, before you start telling people what to do with theirs.

Aquarius
Hiding out from everyone, eh? Hope it works for ya babe. Oh sure, it will for a little while, but you are too much of an attention whore to become a hermit overnight. You screwed up. No biggie. It's not like your friends won't forgive you anyway. They know what a twit you can be. Real friends love their friends even if they ARE fuckups. It may take a decade or two to actually forgive you. But they will. Eventually.

Pisces
Cartoon time for you. You need a serious time out here. Take the day off. Watch television and eat really bad for you children's breakfast cereal. Eat the whole friggin’ box of it. Drink chocolate milk. Draw with crayons...I don't care. Just take the day off from everybody. But remember, take only ONE day off. Not twenty.

Aries
Sigh. Before you think that all is well and that you have been forgiven for bailing on your friends because you thought you were going to get that chance to meet 'better people' let me be the first one to tell you that you ain't even close to being out of the woods yet. Saying sorry from you is like air: It's transparent and doesn't really mean a lot if you can't see it. Oh, yeah, it's important...but still it could be fake. What I am trying to say is: You have to earn respect...and you can't do that by sounding like a broken record and whining. It takes action. Not words.

Taurus
Your habits may have advanced. Maybe it's from eating to drinking. Or drinking to smoking. Or from cigarettes to pot. Or maybe pot to cocaine or worse yet, crystal meth. No one likes a Taurus on coke. They run into walls. A moderate bull is a happy bull, and that's no bull! Heh. Okay a fucked up attempt on humor I'll admit it. But the point is: we want to see you live another day. Don't waste your life on your fucking hang-ups.

Gemini
Why am I such a bitch to you? I hear this all the time from Geminis. Let me tell you right now, the truth is that I am such a bitch to you because I know the true potential that you hold inside. You are destined for greatness. It's your time now to shine, sugar butt!

Moonchild
You need to decide your goals for the next two to three years, snookums. Because you need to have a plan. You need a focus for what it is that you truly want in YOUR life. Not what everyone tells you that you want. You are so malleable, that it's sometimes like talking to silly putty. One day a writer, the next an astronaut. I'm not saying to give up your dreams, but make sure that they are YOURS and not what your best friend or your lover or your acupuncturist wants you to do.

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