Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Aries
What is it with you wanting to beat up people for money? Okay, so you like to hit, bite, kick, scream, make a scene, be violent and a drama queen or king...but the scary thing is you can seriously find a vocation that not only will let you be Lucy Liu from Payback, but allow you to get paid through credit cards. Frightening visual. But seriously, if you can find a job that will let you have all the lube you can stomach and wear tight concealing fabrics that should be on car seats or purchased from Home Depot...by all means, go for it! The most creepy Aries is a quiet Aries. Because if they are NOT making a scene that means that they are planning what to do to you when you are going to be asleep. Be afraid.

Taurus
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Just say no?" There ‘ya go. Some bulls have a hard time resisting the three leafed green stuff, if you know what I mean. Not to mention that they have many vices that either creep me out or make me wonder how they can do what they do with a spoonful of chocolate mint ice cream as well as a roll of duct tape covered in neon pink spandex! If Taurus could go around and be nude ALL day...they would. Actually let me rephrase that. If a Taurus could have YOU go around nude all day and they could watch...they would. They love nekkid flesh. All shapes and sizes. They also like to roll around in mud too, but I digress. Taurus would make fabulous mud wrestlers. They secretly love that scene in Stripes when the girls are attacking John Candy in the mud wrestling booth. Don't ask me why. If not mud, at least something gooey...as long as there is definitely a shower within a three minute reach.

Gemini
Hoo boy. Have you got YOUR hands full honey...of whom I have NO idea. Actually, you are trying to catch up on your energy since you feel a little bit drained lately. In the words of that great philosopher, Austin Powers: "I'm Spent!" You need a nookie break. Sometimes sex is the only way you can actually get a nap in during the day. Whatever works. You might want to consider some more vitamin C in your diet or some sort of healthy thing. In Gem's case, healthy could mean anything from drinking more water to fucking only three people in one day...you decide.

Cancer
A word of advice from one who knows: Do not skateboard on gravel at night…naked. Moonchildren have a horrible habit of calling bluffs or taking dares. Do not put strange things into certain orifices that could be detrimental to your health. Also watch out for flying or falling wombats. You do not have to take advice from stupid people...let alone call their bluff. WHY? They will always be stupid, right?

Leo
Okay. Who are you bribing and why? You do not have to pay for your friends, let alone pay to fuck. So what's up with this whole, "I don't feel worthy." shit? That is so not you. You are a great person. You don't have to bribe anyone or anybody. You are the shit. Don't feel like crap because someone thinks that they should get paid to love you. You are the king/queen of the frikkin’ zodiac...people pay to see YOU. I never thought that I would have to give a pep talk to a lion/ess. But you are worth it.

Virgo
Besides the fact you have a definite thing for doing it in cars or limos lately...you also have a real turn on for tying people up with panty hose. Must be a control issue from childhood...who knows? Anyway, in truth, you wish you hadn't have fucked up with those ones that you love from your past. But you know what? The truth is, if you want someone...nine times out of ten you usually have to go for it. And I don't see you makin the moves if you know what I am saying. So those who don't act...don't get. It’s that simple. This is true in all things.

Libra
Okay, where has the time gone where you felt completely bored and felt like you had no life? Well, it was replaced with the “I am so friggin’ busy that I don't have time anymore kind of life.” Libran’s emotional status comes in waves. Life. No life. Tired. Peppy. Happy. Sad. Love. Hate. They are always from constant extreme to the next. That's the way their life is in all things: Love, money, sex, social status, dieting...the list goes on and on. But remember that you do need to take a mini vacation from people every now and again so that you can recycle your batteries.

Scorpio
We all know that you are freaky...so lets skip the smut talk and get to the meat of why you are here: The little green monster that lives in your brain has come back. No not your cousin...envy. You are a bitch when it comes to jealousy and envy. What ticks you off even more is when you see other people using your ideas. I understand completely. Revenge is a dish best served cold...real cold. And you are just the one to do it. I know that you know the truth behind where he/she has been all night. You are the detectives of the zodiac so...now you know what you have to do. Get even in the only way that you know how. By being even better than them. One word of caution: When you decide to hit your target of revenge make damn sure that it's the right target. Sometimes you miss and hit the ones that are not even involved in your melodramas or are trying to protect you. So just double check first before you strike. Measure twice, cut once.

Sagittarius
The only creature that can 'take out' a Scorpio without them knowing it is by all means, a Sag. Sags have a notorious habit for cutting someone down and walking away. Then two days later the insulted party realizes they have been insulted. By that point the game is done. Sags are also excellent chess players and are always ready for chess by a fireplace naked drinking cognac. They think too much, which sometimes is the problem. So much so that they are downright paranoid in some cases. But it's the paranoia that's kept them alive till now. So they must be doing something right. Sag, you may be feeling a little restless lately. That's expected due to the seasons and the weather, but also remember to not get too personal with co-workers. It’s always a bad thing to let everyone know where your bodies are buried. Don't hand them the shovel to dig up your past.

Capricorn
Getting the feeling that you are being shunned lately? Well, maybe you are. Sometimes it is a terrible truth that Cappies have a tendency to be a gossip monger or a rumor whore. Well, here ya’ have it. You fell into the classical trap of telling gossip about someone to someone that knows either the truth or is involved with the party you have been babbling about. You are not as chatty as a Gemini. You are not as manipulative as a Libra. You are not as strong as an Aries or a Leo. Nor are you as maniacal or devious as a Scorpio who is currently right now plotting revenge probably as we speak. Then again, that's what Scorps do best: Plot. The best thing for you to do right now is to lay low and let shit blow over. Admittedly, I see that there will be intense hell to pay around June. Where you have to make a decision between the person that you love (who is probably a twit) or your own sanity. Good luck and start contemplating what to do now.

Aquarius
Fallen off the face of the Earth, eh? Okay, so you think that hiding is the best way to get out of the stupid (and boy do I mean stupid) situation that you have put yourself into. You fucked up. Yeah. What's new with that? It's not a newsflash that Aquarians are accident prone and just emotionally silly when it comes to real life. That's what makes them so unique. Truth be told, you need to think a little with your brain before you follow with your heart. Otherwise you might just not realize what it is that you really want.

Pisces
I know that you are going through some serious heartache right now and I am sorry that you are. But the truth is that this sign always seems to bounce back faster from any tragedy. I know that your life feels like total crap. Either you are losing someone or you are getting emotionally fucked and not in a good way either. I know you. You will bounce back. I promise. You always do. But for now, you need to lose your complete and total shit. And that's okay, too. Just remember, that this too, shall pass, and the only thing that is constant is change. Also you might want to consider getting new furniture. Just a hint.

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