Horrorscopes

by Auntie PanPan

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Auntie PanPanLEO
Sometimes it’s better to just let your hair down. For you, Leo, don’t cut your hair…whatever you do…don’t cut your hair. It is your saving grace, it empowers you and keeps wealth in your life. Don’t go get a buzz cut or do anything too drastic.

VIRGO
You know, the only way you are going to get anything done is to go and do it yourself. Stop waiting for everyone to open the golden door for you. You have to make your own destiny and success stories. Stop your whining and your bitching and waiting. Go out and make something of your life. You have been given the signs…all you have to do is follow.

LIBRA
This is so gonna sound harsh. You are empowered when there is drastic calamity in your life. I think it is because it shows how decisive and strong you really are under that wishy washy façade. You are strong, now get up off your butt and do that yoga that you wanted.

SCORPIO
The truth is a harsh and noble beast. You need to either shit or get off the pot. This waiting game you have been playing with yourself to strike is more than past its prime. Its been time to strike for about a year now…start pouncing. By the way, on a sidebar to young Scorpios, if you don’t know it all stop acting like you do. It just annoys fire and air signs as well as older Scorpios that do know it all. Just trying to help.

SAGITTARIUS
You are needed, but you have no idea how to help a friend who is feeling down. Communication is the best thing to do. A card, an email…whatever. Staying in touch is always hard for Sags, but even when you are out of the loop for a few months or even years you have a magical gift for showing up in people’s lives and picking up immediately where you left off before. Now go make that phone call.

CAPRICORN
I will only say this one more time: Enough with the head butting! See you next month where I will talk about you and the love of your life that is sucking your soul dry. They have one month to prove otherwise. Let’s see what the stars say then.

AQUARIUS
Gee, why is everyone pissed off at you? Maybe its because you ticked everyone off, huh? You whine too much, you live life in the past and you think you are secretive even though you can be read like a book. In some cases a comic book. But seriously, being aloof is one thing, but you don’t have a Scorpio or Aries’ stamina. But I will give you a “B” for effort. Keep trying.

PISCES
Watch out for sports injuries and being put in a cast. Also keep your head above water, put some money away for a rainy day coming up in the future. I think you need to see some sort of a doctor for that foot pain though. Be expected to be laid up for a few weeks. Ankles are going to be a problem too. So watch out for uncomfy shoes and tripping more than usual.

ARIES
Every thing is setting you off lately. It could be because you have a plan or a vacation coming up in the future and you sure as hell don’t want anything to fuck up your long term goals. Watch out for frienenemies…these are the backstabbers that some people call friends. Very fair weathered. Watch your back and front.

TAURUS
Gee, overindulge? YOU? Never! That was sarcasm, by the way. Don’t get so ticked all the time when your significant other wants to go out. It’s not like you have been necessarily faithful to them now, right? Your indulgences keep you from those that you love. If you need help, get it. You need a relationship with someone that is stronger than you to make it work. An Aries maybe or even a Scorp. But not an air sign. They get confused with confrontation and would much rather go shopping.

GEMINI
So you have decided to become a drag king/queen…this is not a shocker to your sign. You might actually be able to pull this off if you have the proper shoes and the correct makeup. By the way, you can never go wrong with leather…leather is our friend. Especially in corsetry. Good luck, honey!

CANCER
Mope mope mope. Actually Virgo is acting more like your sign than you are. Maybe it’s a planet thing. Birthdays might do that too. You need to clean your house on the outside more before you start dealing with the inside again. Maybe a patio theme? Right now is the perfect time for planting or growing stuff outside. Okay, you don’t like people…how about plants? Plants don’t usually argue back unless they are Triffids. Maybe a water garden? Give it some thought. Having a hobby would help you right now instead of always dwelling on drama…especially since it ain’t your drama. Remember: You aren’t fucked up…the rest of the world is. Have fun.

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