Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
You are becoming too predictable. Time to do something a little more nuttier than usual.

Virgo
Quit yer bitchin’. Everyone has a shit life, too. Why should you be any different? Either do something with your life, or just shut the hell up.

Libra
No one expects you to actually have a clue. Yet you keep surprising everyone when you aren't the one getting in trouble. Why? Because not only are you smart, but most of your friends are a special kind of stupid.

Scorpio
You are too kinky to have a PG rating.

Sagittarius
Are you having fun annoying idiots? It's good to always have a hobby. I know it's hard to tolerate stupidity, but you do need a paycheck, huh?

Capricorn
Stop head butting people! Just go back to bed and shag that fabulous Leo you found just lying around.

Aquarius
Gee, you piss people off. Its no wonder they don't want to talk to you. Go figure. I hope this gives you a clue. Stop acting stupid

Pisces
Its time to invest in some really good footwear. Also say things that actually mean something! Stop babbling about absolutely nothing.

Aries
You are so happy with yourself. Now if we could get you out of your shopaholic tendencies, you may just be able to pay your bills.

Taurus
Stop holding out on your spouse or loved ones. Stop hiding money from everyone including yourself. You keep hiding stuff, then you bitch about how you can never find anything. Duh!

Gemini
Location is what you are into right now. Are you living in the right place? Are you having sex in the best park? Needless to say...location is always that which makes you the happiest and the horniest.

Cancer
Stop hiding. Why the hell are you hiding? Maybe it's time to become a drag queen.