Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Aries
So, burning the candle at both ends again, eh? Not to worry, things will slow down after your birthday...right now enjoy the ride. However, be warned. You have been caught by other signs of the zodiac in numerous lies on top of lies. You can't cover up a lie with another lie...it doesn't work, Chippy. If you fess up to your screw ups and work from there things will get better. Also, what's up with you buying utter crap? Try buying some quality, not quantity. Then see what happens.

Taurus
Boy, talk about a downward spiral with you. Sheesh. I feel sorry that you view life as such a burden of crap. But, why is it you insist on trying to drag everyone down with you? Get out of that funk, put on that party dress (Guys too! We ain't picky!) and live! But for fuck's sake, don't overindulge. The largest amount of meth users and potheads are male Taurus’ or masculine Taurus’. I don't know why. I started this research project in 1988. The big three indulgers of the zodiac are Libra, Virgo and Taurus being on the top. The big indulgers of narcotics and alcohol (besides male Irish Virgo men who have been recently dumped) are those under the horns of the bull...alcoholism also runs rampant in Scorpios and Aries, but that's another tale. Female Taurus’ are more chocolate and pasta fiends like Librans. Small wonder that Libra and Taurus share the same planet, Venus.

Gemini
Good news for you. That money problem that's been like a hungry wolf at the door thinking you look like a steak? Things are looking up. All will be illuminated after Halloween...hopefully. Also, what the hell is up with this secret love life, huh? What's all that about? Who are they and when are we making them dinner? Suggestion: have the Virgo Female or Taurus Feminine form you know cook for you that fancy dinner.

Cancer
You know your sign is more about brooding, right? Not pining for the Fjords (Monty Python joke...sorry. Couldn't help it.). All you want is someone to whisk you away from the hell that is your life and get a happy ending. Me too, sweetie. Except my knight in shining armor is Eddie Izzard or Hugh Jackman...how's that for yummy yet strange taste? What was I talking about? Right! You! I don't think you realize the wonder and beauty that is staring you plainly in the face. Look at everything in your life for just one day with new eyes. I mean a new outlook. Don't take me literally! Look at your life at a different angle and see what you think. Maybe you need to see things from a different perspective.

Leo
Ah…yes. The furball purr ball of the zodiac. Felt stifled lately? Writer's block? Constipation of the mind? You need a Capricorn lunch! Cappies are notorious for being great sounding boards, but are nicely blunt in a sweetly unsarcastic way. They will tell you if an idea truly sucks, but will get you a Slurpee to make you feel better about it. Give it a shot. You hate other higher ups taking your ideas and getting all the sunshine that you so richly deserve to bask in. Talk to a fish goat Cappie...it can't hurt, right?

Virgo
Firstly, if you are a needy Virgo with a tendency to depression I am going to tell you right now, right out of the chute...NO. I repeat NO midnight or one in the morning phone calls to friends for at least a few weeks. Yes, I know that the demons are at the door and you need to talk to people at the strangest of hours...but you need some “you time” right now. You need desperate introspection. You need to do what is right for you. Not Joe Blow the gardener, not your hairdresser, not your relatives…you. You need to follow what it is that you want out of life. Not every other which way you have been pulled and pushed like taffy. You have a horrible tendency for "yeah, but" disease. Stop finding an excuse for whatever it is that you have been putting off for the last year.

Libra
You know the old saying: "Revenge is a dish best served cold?" Well babe, that dish is fucking freezing. But don't get cocky. Good things are beginning to unfold in your life, don't fuck it up with backsliding into the mud by trusting leechy people who only like you for your guest list. Keep reaching for the stars, little Libran trinket. As I think Donald Trump once said: "Demand everything, you just might get it." By the way: happy belated birthdays.

Scorpio
Why this urge to pommel people with weapons is anyone's guess. You need to evolve through this emotional shield you have put up and you need to become a human being again. Stop threatening to kick everyone's ass, because you won't. okay , you may think about kicking people's ass. Alright, you may threaten to kick ass...you may walk out of a club screaming at the top of your lungs threatening to kick everyone's ass...but, hey, you won't. why? Because deep down you know the age old theory: Why the hell kick the ass of someone stupid when they are too stupid to realize that they have been beaten up? Silly, huh? So why bother? Meditate. Get laid. Take a walk. It doesn't matter. But do something with all the anger. Relax.

Sagittarius
Sometimes to be appreciated you have to get the hell out of the situation entirely. You need time to yourself, true, but don't disassociate yourself from the rest of the world. You need a holiday, that goes without saying. Maybe hiding or camping in the forest? Get closer to nature? It's time to find your own voice sweetie. You do not need to listen to everyone else's whiney needs. Love those you love, and yet, listen to your own soul.

Capricorn
A breath of fresh air has done you wonders. You like yourself again and you are happy to boot. Not to mention that you look like a million bucks. Yay! Good for you! Do not backslide. Stay focused on your target goal. Stay on the course to success. You have found strength in yourself in an aura of contentment. Hold on to that strength and keep it close to your heart.

Aquarius
I find it utterly astounding that even when you have found the error of your ways you are doomed to repeat them. If you want something, just get off of the bleachers and fucking just do it. You want something? Fine. Go get it. Stop hemming and hawing while lingering in a perpetual limbo. Instead of doing what you want, you do nothing instead. Is that really the way to live a life? Living a lie sounds more like it. Get up and go.

Pisces
Talk talk talk. But what are you really saying? Are you saying anything at all? You seem to think so. But does everyone else? You might want to really think about first before you answer that. I know also you feel recently lonely and you hurt inside. And talk about accident prone? You have had at least three major accidents this year alone. Usually it's because there is an imbalance somewhere in your life. When Pisces is highly accident prone, something is seriously off kilter in their life structure. Maybe you should consider Feng Shui? Meditation? Yoga? Too over the edge? Ok. Diet and exercise? Why haven't you been working out lately? That might be your imbalance point.