Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
DON'T GET A HAIRCUT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Right now especially...wait until Valentine's day or St. Patty's day. Right now you need all the magic energy replenishing powers you can get! Leo's are generally egotistical...but deep down, we know you are sensitive pussies. Maybe you are dealing with job issues or even worse, a relationship breakup. Look on the bright side, you should enjoy the moments you have with people. The point is: Enjoy the here and now. For we all might never be in the same place twice.

Virgo
Why can't you just let shit die?!? I hate to break it to you, but you drive friends away when you sound like a broken record. Over and over again with the same old song and dance: "they hurt me!" or "They broke my heart!" Get over it! Why is it that Virgos are the hardest sign to smack in the head with a reality stick? You dwell. Or actually, you constantly repeat yourself. I don't get it. I have one Virgo friend that just will not give up the ghost. She lost her job, right? It's been a year and a half, she still thinks that a job will come and find her. Virgos, please listen to your Auntie. The only things that will come to you are those that you go and seek for yourself. GO!

Libra
For some reason, all the Air signs are under the weather lately. Either they are sick and tired from bronchitis or pneumonia. Winter is always hard on all the air signs, but Libras always get kicked in the teeth the worst. Why? Seasonal Anxiety Disorder? Post Holiday Depression? Who the hell knows?! I can tell you this, though. The hardest thing to get motivated to do anything during the Winter is a Libra. Either that or a wounded water buffalo. The only way to motivate a Libra in the dark season is cold hard cash! Or a shopping spree. Don't be fooled, gang. Oh, sure. Libras are portrayed as these Zen-like creatures that sit on a mountain top while reading Koans. Show them a sale at Hot Topic? They will FIND motivation. Suggestion: start your budgeting sometime at the beginning of Spring, if this is all that feels like keeping you going.

Scorpio
You know, sometimes, I know you hate to admit it…but, you are NOT right 100% of the time. I know you think you are always right, and yes, you have 99% or the planet fooled into thinking you are a super genius. HOWEVER. Taking your life into your own hands and blowing your existence to the fates just to prove a point to someone that you are right? That's beyond dumb. Yeah, you heard me. Dumb. Scorpios think they got everyone fooled. Okay, most of the time, you do. But I was raised by FIVE Scorpios. I know you are all NUTS. All I can say is: Do not court death to prove a point. We would be sad to see you leave this life, just because you had to be right about something that does not matter in the big picture. Learn to take a fucking joke and move the hell on to better carnival rides, schnoodles!

Sagittarius
You have got the traveling bug biting you so hard on the ass that you are beginning to hate even sitting down. The problem is you throw your caution to the four winds and hope for the best. Planning sometimes can be a good thing. Maybe a family reunion or a get together with your psycho fiends and friends you haven't seen in a while? Planning can be our friend. If this is too much effort for you get someone else to plan an event for you, then. Heaven knows you have enough minions to do the job for you, if you just ask them politely enough.

Capricorn
Feel like you have been stalked lately? Probably because you have been. Cappies right now are in an interesting phase of change. Finding their own voices and listening to their own souls instead of the outcries of others telling them what to do. The bad part to this is that relationships suck rocks in hell. You either have one person treating you like shit. Or someone else stalking you. Or even worse, both at the same time. You seriously need to get your priorities in order, mate. Learn the art of dating again, instead of: "Gee, you seem nice, let's move in together!" Capricorns must come to the realization that the best way for them to live, sometimes, is alone. Without the "EX" stealing your dog, your ice cube trays and your bath towels. Remember Cappie: The less relationships you are in, the less of your shit will be stolen.

Aquarius
You know the age old saying, 'It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?' Such is the case with you. Although you think your life is complete and total shit, this too, shall pass. However, in your case, life feels much worse when you lose someone you love. Life is made of choices. Good or bad, all the choices that you make in life are your own. You hate the way life treats you? Then fucking change it.

Pisces
Health problems have been abounding with you lately. Mostly in the hands and feet areas. Carpal Tunnel could be swimming in your system recently, too. You hate Winter, hence why you move to higher/warmer climates if possible. Maybe a broken leg or hand happened to you recently. It's time to really consider taking those Calcium pills that dear old mom swore by when you were young and stupid (and not really listening). I have a ton of Pisces friends that all have hand problems. Ironically feet are suppose to be the mainstay for the fish folk. Now might be the right time to look into Reflexology to see if your feet are happy because the rest of your body might follow suit. Maybe even Reiki might be a good suggestion as well. But don't give up your hobbies or exercising just because you don't feel good. Just slow down a little until you feel a little better.

Aries
The ram is full of choices. Let me be blunt. Aside from Taurus having an addictive personality, Aries can be just as bad when coming to overindulgence (i.e.: Drinking, drugs, sex and scandal). Some Aries grow up real fast, real quick and too young so they know the repercussions if they backslide. However, there comes a point in every Aries life where they have to decide if they are going to be a parent or a party babe. If Aries choose the wrong path for themselves it will come back to haunt them. Aries MUST always follow the direction they know is best. It may be horrible at first, but if it is the path you feel in your soul as the proper path then follow it.

Taurus
You either stalk the ones you love or even worse. I don't know how I feel about the bull currently. I have dealt with a whole bunch of them recently and let's be blunt: all the female Taurus’ have their shit together, but the Taurus men? You are all in rehab. Or should be. You have a problem with addictions of any sort (Sex can be an addiction too! So can eating and smoking.) You need to realize what you love more. The people who love you? Or the drug (pick a drug...any drug!) Make your conclusion and stick with it. Stop pissing around.

Gemini
Busy busy busy. That's you to a T. Always busy doing something. You are someone that desperately needs a PDA/Palm Pilot. Or maybe one of those phones that have email access. That would be a good thing for you. You have been blessed with the gods of communication. But you hate communication with idiots. It's hard to be radiant when you deal with people that think Vera Wang is a side dish at an all you can eat buffet. You need to circulate more and broaden your mental horizons.

Cancer
Love. Wow. This is new. When did that truck go by? Oh, alright, maybe not exactly love...but at least a torrid three week love affair. Remember my age old motto: "If you are what you eat...I could be YOU by morning." But yes. There is someone in your life that makes you smile. They have been there for gods know how long. Your problem is that you never know what to say when you lose a window of opportunity and that makes your timing complete shit. Learn timing. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Good luck.