Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
The beginning of the Spring months are always hard for you, pussycat, simply because you are getting a touch of cabin fever. Now that you can see flowers grow and trees bloom as well as grass turn green...the first thing on your mind right now is SEX. Hey! We survived winter! Let's Shag! The problem is that you don't want to develop this kind of behavior during your day job. Especially if you work with a bunch of dorks that will try to make a move at you, which will either gross you out...or knock their self esteem for a horrible loop. Which will play complete Hell during office holiday parties. Suggestion: Shag aplenty, but outsource.

Virgo
Finally! Things may be turning out alright for you. Now if you could stop relying on everyone else and quit whining. That would be really super! Granted, the Winter was total bad for you. But fear not, you can have a crap life no matter what time of the year it is. Besides mooching off of your friends and family of late...you may have to lower your sights to doing what you don’t want to do so you can pay for what you love to do. Also, on a sidebar, give that person who loves you a chance. Don't just blow them off for a pretty piece of ass with no brain. Also...don't make people feel bad just so you can feel better about your petty little hum drum life. It's not nice. Just try to look at the brighter side of solace.

Libra
Well scaley one. Things are possibly looking up in your future. You remember what hormones are? Ohmigosh! You are actually thinking impure thoughts? Maybe even pondering about…dare I say it…SEX! Libras, when they get turned on (which varies by degree) are murder on lovers because they are difficult to shut off. I think it has something to do with being stuck between the signs of Virgo and Scorpio, aka The Prude and The Lewd. So...if anyone you know is trying to woo a Libra...three simple hints: Vibrators, Sugar (any kind of chocolate/cupcakes/pie) and anything that would show them off in a good light (mirrors, glitter, candles, you get the idea).

Scorpio
I do not understand why Scorp is having health problems. Well wait…let me rephrase this: I do not understand why Scorp thinks they are having health problems. Bear in mind, whenever they are not on the prowl or over exerting themselves twenty four hours a day they think that they have something wrong with them. Maybe you need a vacation. Or at least a nap. I am a firm believer of taking naps. Go ahead. I give you permission. Sleep. By sleep, I did not mean sex in bed. I meant eyes shut and snoring.

Sagittarius
Recluse? You? Perish the thought. But seriously…all you ever wanted was to "be someone." Well now that you have done that you think: "Is that all there is?" Hell no. Live your life for yourself, not for others. Granted, living for the well being of others (family, friends) is cool. But don't get swamped and be forgetting your own needs, too. Let your hair down for a while…live a little. Life is not always work and sleep. See someone you miss, hug someone you love, eat the extra cookie sometimes. It's okay, that's life.

Capricorn
I have a theory that there are only two Capricorns on the planet. In between the head butting and yelling and tears Cappies will always fall for the underdog. Especially if that underdog cannot save themselves from whatever cliff they are hanging from. Cappies see the beauty in all things, which is very cool. I am certain that the character of Shelly from The Crow was a Capricorn. On another note Cappies are realists. They love, they fuck, they mate, they enjoy, they live, they die, they are. How frikkin zen is that shit?

Aquarius
Hiding has always gotten water bearers out of horrible situations. Except that there is one terrible flaw with this: They never hide too long. Aquarians love attention. They can fade away and hide from everyone they know...only a few months later, they crave attention. Only to act aloof and run away again only to run back to the limelight. I am sure that Roxie Hart must be an Aquarian. Then again, I am also sure that Velma Kelly must be a Scorpio, Mamma Morton a Leo, and Billy Flynn a Libra. Now that I have analyzed the entire zodialogical profile for the main characters of Chicago...the point is: If an Aquarius does not want to be found, stop looking for them. They have hiding places that they don't even know about yet. But don't worry...they are bound to show up sooner or later. It's like hives.

Pisces
I don't know when you became so possessive, but it looks good on you. You really should treasure those that you love. You should also give in to their fantasies a little more often, too. Besides...you would look terriffic in a catwoman outfit. Role playing confuses you, but it could really be fun. You might just enjoy it. Maybe you just haven't played the right games with the right people. Or the roles you have played are stale. Try pretending to be Tomb Raider/Lara Croft running into Indiana Jones...or something like that. All it takes is a little imagination, or at least a really good movie collection, to get ideas.

Aries
This month, you are in your element. Too bad everyone else would like to see your head on a plate with croutons. Sorry. But I play the ball where it lays. You have been unfaithful. Relax. Being 'unfaithful' means sometimes a whole lot more than fucking someone else. I mean unfaithful like in unloving someone either with drug , drink, or food. Sometimes the ram will implement something else to get the pleasure they want or find lacking. You want SO desperately to be loved...hell...you would settle for just being liked. The thing is, you have to love yourself first. So I say to you, it's the month now where you really need to take a cold hard look at yourself in the mirror. Like what you see? Great, go and have fun. But what if you don't? What can you do to change it? Where you want to be in the next five years? Can't think that far ahead? Okay...the next two months? Something to seriously think about.

Taurus
Hopefully you have found someone as your rock that can support you in your current hours of need. One out of three Bulls fail the 'sink or swim' test. I hope you aren't it. The ones that float up for air are usually those that have a strong family/friend base and a level head on their shoulders. Love could change you. A reality of life could help you. But in all truth, it's coming to grips with your own self that will shape you into the person you will be for the rest of your life. Good luck. You need it.

Gemini
The best thing I can say to you right now, and listen well: speak with your soul. I know that probably makes no fucking sense, right? Currently you are coming to grips with your own life. And yay you. HOWEVER, the thing that would make your life complete is the extension of this life. Whether it be love, relationships, career, looking to have children/adopt, whatever that small connection is in your essence that makes you feel eternal, DO IT. Okay, yes, must have a day job, true...but don't give up your dreams.

Cancer
Let me give you an image. Here is this little Crab in the middle of a flood clutching on to his bedpost, holding on for dear life, hoping against hope that he will not lose grip of his headboard. If a Cancer could take his/her bed with them everywhere...they would. In fact, if you ever look at the office desk of a Cancer, I can almost certify that it probably looks like a bed. Let me know on this. Which is why I always find it so funny when Cancers don't like to be tied up to the bed. I find it ironic. I mean, they don't want to get out of bed, it's the safest place in the world for them to be. But no kinky shit there? Weird. Cancers have a tendency to have more kinky things go on in the back of cars or in public places...but hardly ever in a bed. That's the sanctuary, for them. Good luck and keep clutching that headboard.