Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Auntie PanPanAries
Watch out with an Aries! To some kinky is just using hot candle wax and nipple clamps. For an Aries? Kinky is a hot glue gun and duct tape and maybe a potato.

Taurus
Put these bulls in a tent in the great outdoors with some rum and smokes, they are ready for a fucking adventure. These creatures like to romp and camp…wait. No. More likely they just want to fuck in the grass under the stars.

Gemini
You never can tell who you are dealing with on various days. A Gemini is worse than any split personality. A sucker for role playing…but personalities that can shift with just the weather. One day they like oral…the next day? Anal. It might be safer for you to let them steer the boat while you just go with the flow with the motion of the ocean.

Cancer
Cancer will try anything once. Twice to make sure. Three times if you liked it. But they just don’t want to admit that they have a kinky side. They do. Right now for them, however, Cancers would be just as content with a mink of nine tails slightly grazing the back. Or a bubble bath…or some fuzzy hand mitts. In fact, touch is a BIG turn on for these crabbies. Touch and TASTE. So go ahead, get out the velvet gloves and honey, it’s gonna be a fun night!

Leo
If ever I saw someone with a hairbrush fetish, it has GOT to be YOU, little lions! If you could just find someone to brush your hair all day, you would be one happy puddy tat. Maybe for a bonus a little spankie here and there with the brush wouldn’t hurt either, no?

Virgo
If you could devise a way to put booze and sex together? You’d do it. Lickin’ the nipples with some Bailey’s Irish crème will send you into eye rolling fits. Sin and alcohol? It’s a good thing.

Libra
Oh, sweetie…what am I going to do with you? To hell with ethics! No…really. I mean that. You are trying soooo hard to be good. But I do know how difficult it can be. Especially when it comes to sex with you. You see, you don’t view sex as an act of self release. To you? You view sex as some sort of Zen-Jedi-mind fuck where and when all the planets are aligned n’shit. The fuck is not a fuck to you. It is always a meeting of the minds. Turn you on with the head, your genitals will follow. WARNING: when you turn a Libra on it’s very difficult to turn them off. Thank God for power tools!

Scorpio
Nostalgia for a more better time is in your mind right now. Those could have done’s or should have done’s or you remember when you did…you are in a blah world right now. Strange. Strange that apathy is coming from such twisted soul monkey like yourself. Oh well…we all have our moments. Watch some sappy greeting card ads and eat a lot of chocolate…you will feel better in a month or so.

Sagittarius
Sags love a challenge! Kiss a guy from every state? Yep. Fuck on the hood of every Edsel on route 66? Done that. Do it on a Harley going 75 MPH through the Grand Canyon? Sags have been there. It’s time to come up with some new challenges and see what turns up.

Capricorn
Right now you aren’t thinking about sex. You are thinking about marriage. Two totally different animals. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors…but faking it? I mean really! Once you start faking how you feel, you begin to get taken advantage of. Don’t be fake. Always cum when you are called.

Aquarius
A joke I heard the other day: How can you tell if absolutely NO ONE wants to fuck you? If even your hand falls asleep while jacking off! This is Aquarius in a nutshell. The damage has been done. Move on. Make amends. Rebuild bridges or let the chips fall where they may. Others have moved on. You can too.

Pisces
You are the feisty one right now. Pisces love to talk. Pisces would make the best phone sex operators. I stick true to this belief. They can talk the house down for hours. A very verbal lot of creatures. May need to invest in either a ball gag or a pillow. Enjoy!