Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Virgo
You have some paranoia issues to really work on. I mean REALLY work on. No one is going to waltz up to your front door and fork over a crock of gold and give you a golden ticket to your every wish, hope and desire. You get what you give. Oh yeah. One more thing, go down on your lover every once in a while. It wouldn't hurt you or them if you brushed up on your oral skills, sweetie!

Libra
Oh my. Aren't we a complete slut lately? At least you are paranoid enough to go to your doctor first, before you do anything TOO kinky!

Something I need to warn people about Libras: yes...we are a fickle lot. Yes...we are moody. Yes...sometimes we seem standoffish. HOWEVER, once you get them turned on? I hope you took your vitamins. Why? Because they won't turn off. Not until they are COMPLETELY satisfied. Hell, they will grab toys if YOU are broken. As long as you are in the room while they come they are happy. Probably since they know how to get themselves off...it's the cuddling they miss. Sometimes it's hard to snuggle a vibrator.

Scorpio
Scorps need to feel emotion or they get lost somewhere in the mental windmills of their mind. Give one a hug sometime and watch the wheels click in their head: "What do they want from me?" To really turn a Scorpio on? Shock them. I know this is a rare thing, but it CAN be done! I oughta know, I live with one. I was raised by a flock of wild Scorpios. They are perverse, but they control all of us...at least that's what we let them think. Just let them believe that they are in control and can operate the entire universe...all will be well. I didn't say let them be kings or queens of the universe...that's a Leo’s job...But Scorpios like to be the power behind everything (kind of like Snape...)

Sagittarius
With legs like yours, it's no wonder you end up snogging standing up most of the time. You also end up in showers either shaving or having sex...or both! The thing is, you are too athletic for your own good! Sometimes your partner wonders if they are too lazy for your kinkiness level. Suggestion? Slow down! Take your time to explore strange new worlds...exploration babe...it's a beautiful thing. Lay back and enjoy the ride.

Capricorn
I hope you realize what you are doing with your life. You are taking a big maneuver by either one of the three 'D's (a tip of the hat to the movie Witches of Eastwick here...) Divorce, Desertion or Death. Or even more frightening: all three at the same time. Isn't one enough? You had to get involved with scenarios that deal with ALL three traumas? What…were you bored? If one of these recent events have happened to you, I feel for you. But you know what? This is the time to move the hell on. So you ask me: do you have the inner strength to adapt? I'd like to think so. You cannot live in mommy and daddy's shadow forever. It is time to put away childish things and get out of the rut and move on.

Aquarius
You know, I hate to dish on the water bearer...but you make it too easy for me. Between Aquarius and Gemini...it is too easy to pull your faults out of my hat. Firstly: do NOT grab the girl’s head when she is going down on you...it's not nice manners. Second: do NOT just fuck and run, unless you paid. Thirdly: hugging is important. So stop being so detached. You could make a great Dom or Master if only you weren't such a fucking flake.

Pisces
I stick to my guns on this: Pisces make great phone sex operators. It's a gift of chatter thing. You can hand any fish person any topic in the world and I betcha that they have a story that goes right along with it. Don't believe me? Try it. I'm serious. Give it a whirl. Ironically, toe sucking for a Pisces is difficult for them to deal with. Shoe and foot worship? Just point them in the right direction.

Aries
Rams confuse me sometimes. They have moments of sweetness and then sheer stupidity. Don't get me wrong, they are a passionate mammal...but damn if I can understand what is going on in that head of theirs. Aries want to be loved...then they want to be fucked...then they want to be pampered and served...then they want to be fucked...then they want to be slapped around...then they want to be fucked. Are we all seeing a pattern here yet, folks? I hope so. One way or another, they want to be fucked. Enjoy trying to figure them out. Beware, however, because they get mighty jealous and will attack...usually while they are being fucked.

Taurus
This sign confuses me more than any other sign in the zodiac. Possibly because I do not see what is so fun about doing it in the dirt. If they could fuck while wrestling or in a garden, they are happy. They are also big into camping. Fucking under the stars and all that shit. If that's what makes them happy, yay.

Taurus is more into family and cooking than fucking...that's not entirely true. Ever see the television show Medium? If you do, you will understand what I am talking about. The two main characters of the show, the medium and her husband...never ever get a chance alone to themselves...but when they do they lock the doors honey and get the kids to the sitter, because tonight we light the candles and drink some wine and pray no one calls. Spoken like a true Taurus. They can be sexy, but family always comes first.

Gemini
Haven't heard much from the Gemini set lately. Why? Because the world is TOO fucking real for them right now. Geminis need escape. They need illusion to keep themselves going. Many a Gemini live in a fantasy world. Always hoping they are going to do or be someone important. The funny irony is: they are crucial to this world...they just don't see it. Geminis have to fuck somewhere interesting. I don't think many children under the sign of the twins have only fucked in a bed alone. The list of some places Gemini's have had sex: behind the LaBrea Tar Pits; stuck between floors of a forest lawn mortuary in the elevator accidentally interrupting a funeral; bent over a bar in plain view in front of two hundred people; on the Queen Mary in broad daylight. They are exhibitionistic and love to be seen. It's their nature.

Cancer
This sign needs to be coddled. If you are involved in a relationship with this sign, let me ask you something. Do you feel like lovers? Or do you feel like their parent? I thought so. Cancers need protection. Hell if I can figure out from what. As long as you keep their sacred space sacred they will go with you pretty much anywhere. They will let you guide them into many an adventure. As long as you let them have some time and space of their own.

Leo
Many a lion knows the art of pouncing. If they want something, they will act right there and then. Do not bore a Leo or they will find another person to play with. They want...no...they NEED…to be pampered. If you cannot handle fickleness and a wandering eye find a nice Taurus. Leos need to feel important. How can they if someone is bitching at them all the time? They can't. Make them feel important. They love to have their hair brushed. They love to be licked and most importantly they love to be petted. Just treat them like a big housecat and you can't go wrong.