Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Virgo
I have said this once, I have said it a zillion times: 45 minutes of begging is NOT considered foreplay!

I cannot emphasize this enough. Unless you are a true submissive and your lover is a Dom...then beg all ya want. Beg until they beat ya! Then have fun! Go for it! Hell! Walk down main street with a feather duster up your ass if that makes you happy! But remember that no one owes you anything just for taking up valuable space. If you are still dwelling on being a year older or another year closer to the grave, you are more of a fuckin goth than I am!

Libra
Sometimes it takes an act of naughtiness to get what you want. Sometimes it takes you dressing up like a nun without panties with a riding crop. Sometimes it takes power tools. Sometimes it takes a certain look or a certain song. But most of the time? It's the chase that trips your trigger. Suggestion? Stay aloof. Don't be a Libra borg who assimilates to your lover. Remember, they shagged you for who you are, not an assimilation of themselves. They want you for the kinky little hell slut that we know and love. Libras are cute. On a scale from one to ten? Libras are a fifteen in cute.

Scorpio
Scorps are not cute. Scorps are never 'cute.' Scorpios are riveting. Scorpios are muses. Scorpios get paid. Scorpios need love too! Scorpios are who I turn to when I am having questions regarding various trysts and/or affairs. They are the Anne Landers of fuck. They are the professor of fuckology.101. They do lab research right across from advanced blowjobs (I teach THAT class...)

Sagittarius
You are feeling that twang again. You know the one I'm talking about: WANDERLUST. You are sitting there looking at your luggage that is next to the door just collecting dust aching to go somewhere…anywhere. Your heart wants to stay. Your soul wants to go, longing for another journey. Should I stay or should I go? It's up to your mind to make the final decision. By the way, if I can get my two cents worth in…hotel trial sizes I believe were created specifically for Sagittarians. Pack light.

Capricorn
When a Cappie gets rid of baggage (for example: an ex) they become a hippie or a gypsy for a while to find another soul that speaks their own language. Cappies do not stay single for long. But hopefully they will love themselves more than the next person they fall in bed with. By the way, you will always find a Capricorn at their full blossom in a nudist colony or a commune. I don't know why.

Aquarius
What? You never thought the ex would run into the new relationship and the other relationship you don't want anyone to know about? HA! Even if we live in big cities, we all have a horrible tendency to get caught. Stop being something that you are not and try to be what you are! You have potential for much. Also, unless you are a girl stop fucking with your socks on, its annoying.

Pisces
What is it with you and whirlpools? All Pisces look their sexiest in hot tubs. I don't get it. Claw foot bathtubs will work in a pinch. Anywhere they can lucid with tons of water surrounding them count them in. Not standing up in a shower...that will hurt their footsies after a while. By the way, have ya ever gotten off and come from someone touching you with their feet? Pisces are pros at this. Try it...you might like it. Or go grab that underwater dildo and go with God.

Aries
Children under the sign of the ram have a thing for the head. This is the most sensitive part of their body. You start rubbing an Aries’ head and you better put up or shut up. I have learned this the hard way. Also , if an Aries is VERY horny they can get downright violent. So keep them happy. They also have a thing for chocolate and porn.

Taurus
I knew this one Taurus that liked to bite. Seriously. I thought he had a biting fetish. I finally asked him what's up with this? I found out he hadn't had sex in a LOOOOONG time. It came naturally. It had a happy ending. I shoved a ball gag in his mouth and fucked him five ways from Sunday. Needless to say, he didn't have a biting thing anymore after that. So, as a public service, go out and give a Bull some nookie. You will be helping them from becoming dependant on other forms of release, such as alcohol, food, or drugs.

Gemini
This sign loves the element of surprise. Sometimes, you just go up to them and blow in their ear or lick them up their spine and walk away...if they are interested, and 90% of the time they are, you will get a positive response. Most Geminis are also bisexual or at least bi curious. So if you are looking for a threesome....or a foursome....or a six some...count them in. Every act of three or more people I have ever been involved in or occurred at my home always had a Gemini somewhere in the fray. Even if they are holding the camera...they are somehow involved. They like kinky.

Cancer
This sign as I have said before has MOODS. They turn on a dime. What you need to learn is what those moods are going to be before you even walk through the door. It's difficult, I know. The best bet is to check and see what is going on with the moon. Cancers are like the werewolf of the sea. The fuller the moon gets, the wierder or more jovial they get....the less moon? The crankier they get. Sometimes it also depends on what else is going on in their chart to make this easier. One thing I HAVE learned about Cancers: they are the best kissers. And they love to see their partner's reaction to whatever they are doing to them. I didn't say scream your full head off into orgasm. Save that for the Aries/Scorpios and Leos. But crabs definitely like to know if they are doing something right. They WANT to make YOU feel good. Otherwise, they feel horrible.

Leo
Lions for some reason, always trip my trigger. They always are curious. You know that curiosity and that cat thing? It's true. They are always up for new games to play and anything kinky will suffice. Honestly though? They are just as well with a quick shag in the 24 hour diner parking lot while no one is looking. If you mention to them: "Hey! I got an idea! Let's go fuck in a hearse!" Do not be surprised if they find a hearse and come up to your place of work to hijack you. Expect cuddling and purring afterward.