The (Fake) Al Jourgensen Interview
By Dan Century
Okay, heres the real deal: I had to have dental
implant surgery (almost like the skull on the A Mind is a Terrible Thing to
Taste album cover) on the same day I was supposed to do a real phone
interview with Al Jorgensen. I chose the dental surgery over Al, but I felt
like I still owed Legends Magazine an Al Jourgensen interview, so I wrote this
fake interview. Thats right: every word of the following interview is
fake it never actually happened. No shit! Without further adieu,
heres the Fake Al Jorgensen interview:
Legends Magazine: Dude!
Landlord: Dude? Dont dude me. This is your
landlord. Your rent is late!
LM: Oh, I was expecting a call
LL: I was expecting your rent check. Where is it?
I mailed it last
LM: No kidding.
LL: Bullshit. I get my rent money by this Friday, or
I start chucking your shit in the dumpster. You understand?
LM: Wait a minute. Im at my computer. Do you
have a PayPal account?
LL: Fuck you!
LM: Seriously, I gotta go.
[Phone rings, a few minutes later.]
Al Jorgensen: Yeah.
LM: Is this Al?
AJ: Oh boy.
LM: Lets roll!
AJ: Lets roll?
LM: So when does the new Revolting Cocks album come
AJ: Valentines Day, 2006.
LM: Whos in the band this time? Is Luc Van
AJ: No. Gibby
AJ: Gibby Hanes, Jello Biafra
AJ: Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top
AJ: An interrupting cow says what?
AJ: Exactly. Rick and Robin from Cheap
LM: Whoa. I heard Billy Gibbons was a fan, but I
didnt expect Cheap Trick.
AJ: Hell yeah! Rick and I traded hats. Ill be
wearing his trademark Huntz Hall baseball cap on stage.
LM: Half your band is in their 50s! I hope no
one breaks a hip.
AJ: Oh, snap! Fuck you, jackass!
LM: So whats the deal with the new Ministry
AJ: The new album comes out on April
LM: Hey, whats the deal with Luc Van Acker? Did
he used to write the lyrics in the inside of his hat because he couldnt
AJ: No comment! Uh
yeah. Yes he did.
LM: When you were on the Mind tour: did you have a
Nintendo sponsorship, because I swear I remember a Now youre
playing with power banner on stage
AJ: Can we talk about something new?
LM: Sure, but I cant help it. Im a
long-time fan. Okay, so you have a new label called Thirteenth Planet. Looks
like youre finally putting out a Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters album
AJ: Right new label. My label. Im in
control. New studio too. No Shooters album on the schedule, but after we get
off the Masterbatour. Ill get to work on that.
LM: Hey, what about the album thats out now:
LM: Greatest hits?
AJ: More like remixes and some other shit.
LM: Good shit!
LM: I think its fucking awesome!!! I realize
Rantology fulfills your commitment to Sanctuary records, and youd
rather discuss the future than the past
AJ: Whatever dude. Do you have any interesting
questions, or are you going to toss me softballs, and read off the press
releases on my website?
LM: Ouch. Okay is it true that Condelezza Rice can
bench-press 250 pounds?
AJ: What? Yeah, Ill buy that.
LM: What do you think of Genesis P-Orridges
dont... know. Next question! Yikes.
He has fake tits?
LM: I heard that Matt Pinfield had a bunch of your
masters, demos, remixes stuff you didnt even have and his
wife destroyed them in a fit of rage.
AJ: Wha? Where do you get this shit? Yeah. Maybe. I
dont know. I recorded and remixed a lot of shit back in the 80s and
90s and I lost track of a lot of it. Its possible. I destroyed a
lot of music too.
AJ: Took a magnet to the master tapes.
LM: Christ! Hey, a buddy of mine asked me to ask you
if you remember a dude from Lollapalooza who went ape-shit in the middle of the
pit and started throwing chunks of sod, terrifying the shit out of
AJ: Yeah! I do! I think his name was Scott.
LM: Oh shit! Youre right!
AJ: When a fan decides to single-handedly destroy a
music venue with his bare hands, I take notice.
LM: I heard about your spider-bite incident on the
Opie and Anthony show. You almost lost your arm! And your toe you lost
your big toe!
AJ: Thats all true. I got bit by a brown
recluse spider. Google it. They are bad motherfucking spiders. The toe
wasnt from the spider
LM: Do you have any new ailments?
AJ: Aliments? Well, I have something called leaky gut
LM: Leaky gut?
AJ: Get this: so you know how the small intestine is
semi-porous so nutrients can pass into your bloodstream?
AJ: Well, if you drink, smoke, drink coffee, and eat
too much junk food like pizza, those pores can become so big that the stuff
inside your intestines can leak out into your body. All the nasty parasites,
bacteria, and yeasts end up in your gut and eventually you end up with chronic
fatigue, nasty skin conditions, dandruff
LM: Whats the treatment?
AJ: No drinking, smoking, and no pizza and eggplant
parm. Essentially its worse than having to quit hard drugs.
LM: So hows it going?
AJ: Im taking Benadryl instead.
LM: Benadryl? Didnt you say on the Opie and
Anthony show that you took Benadryl instead of going to the doctor and
thats why you almost lost your arm, and why you totally lost your
AJ: I hate doctors.
AJ: Hate them!
LM: My doctor is kind of cute. Shes a chubby
grub, but cute. Theyre drug pushers.
AJ: No shit. Are you out of questions yet?
LM: Lets see
new Ministry and Revco
albums out next year, new label, Masterbatour next year
Rantololgy out in stores now, Rob Zombies been ripping you off
for the past 15 years
LM: Thanks for the interview!
AJ: Goodbye jackass!
LM: Goodbye Al!
 Reviewed in
Legends #154. A real review,