Humor

The (Fake) Al Jourgensen Interview

By Dan Century

Al PicOkay, here’s the real deal: I had to have dental implant surgery (almost like the skull on the A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Taste album cover) on the same day I was supposed to do a real phone interview with Al Jorgensen. I chose the dental surgery over Al, but I felt like I still owed Legends Magazine an Al Jourgensen interview, so I wrote this fake interview. That’s right: every word of the following interview is fake – it never actually happened. No shit! Without further adieu, here’s the “Fake Al Jorgensen interview”:

[Phone rings.]

Legends Magazine: Dude!

Landlord: Dude? Don’t dude me. This is your landlord. Your rent is late!

LM: Oh, I was expecting a call…

LL: I was expecting your rent check. Where is it?

LM: I…I mailed it last… Thursday.

LL: Bullshit.

LM: No kidding.

LL: Bullshit. I get my rent money by this Friday, or I start chucking your shit in the dumpster. You understand?

LM: Wait a minute. I’m at my computer. Do you have a PayPal account?

LL: Fuck you!

LM: Seriously, I gotta go.

LL: Fuck…

[CLICK.]

[Phone rings, a few minutes later.]

LM: Dude?

Al Jorgensen: Yeah.

LM: Is this Al?

AJ: Yeah.

LM: Dude!

AJ: Oh boy.

LM: Let’s roll!

AJ: Let’s roll?

LM: So when does the new Revolting Cocks album come out?

AJ: Valentines Day, 2006.

LM: Who’s in the band this time? Is Luc Van Acker back?

AJ: No. Gibby…

LM: Awesome!

AJ: Gibby Hanes, Jello Biafra…

LM: Cool!

AJ: Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top…

LM: Awesome!!

AJ: An interrupting cow says what?

LM: What?

AJ: Exactly. Rick and Robin from Cheap Trick…

LM: Whoa. I heard Billy Gibbons was a fan, but I didn’t expect Cheap Trick.

AJ: Hell yeah! Rick and I traded hats. I’ll be wearing his trademark Huntz Hall baseball cap on stage.

LM: Half your band is in their 50’s! I hope no one breaks a hip.

AJ: Oh, snap! Fuck you, jackass!

LM: So what’s the deal with the new Ministry album?

AJ: The new album comes out on April…

LM: Hey, what’s the deal with Luc Van Acker? Did he used to write the lyrics in the inside of his hat because he couldn’t remember them?

AJ: No comment! Uh… yeah. Yes he did.

LM: When you were on the Mind tour: did you have a Nintendo sponsorship, because I swear I remember a “Now you’re playing with power” banner on stage…

AJ: Can we talk about something new?

LM: Sure, but I can’t help it. I’m a long-time fan. Okay, so you have a new label called Thirteenth Planet. Looks like you’re finally putting out a Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters album too.

AJ: Right – new label. My label. I’m in control. New studio too. No Shooters album on the schedule, but after we get off the “Masterbatour.” I’ll get to work on that.

LM: Hey, what about the album that’s out now: Rantology.

AJ: Eh…

LM: Greatest hits?

AJ: More like remixes and some other shit.

LM: Good shit!

AJ: Eh.

LM: I think it’s fucking awesome!!! I realize Rantology fulfills your commitment to Sanctuary records, and you’d rather discuss the future than the past…

AJ: Whatever dude. Do you have any interesting questions, or are you going to toss me softballs, and read off the press releases on my website?

LM: Ouch. Okay is it true that Condelezza Rice can bench-press 250 pounds?

AJ: What? Yeah, I’ll buy that.

LM: What do you think of Genesis P-Orridge’s fake tits?

AJ: I… don’t... know. Next question! Yikes. He has fake tits?

LM: I heard that Matt Pinfield had a bunch of your masters, demos, remixes – stuff you didn’t even have – and his wife destroyed them in a fit of rage.

AJ: Wha? Where do you get this shit? Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. I recorded and remixed a lot of shit back in the 80’s and 90’s and I lost track of a lot of it. It’s possible. I destroyed a lot of music too.

LM: Destroyed.

AJ: Took a magnet to the master tapes.

LM: Christ! Hey, a buddy of mine asked me to ask you if you remember a dude from Lollapalooza who went ape-shit in the middle of the pit and started throwing chunks of sod, terrifying the shit out of everyone?

AJ: Yeah! I do! I think his name was Scott.

LM: Oh shit! You’re right!

AJ: When a fan decides to single-handedly destroy a music venue with his bare hands, I take notice.

LM: I heard about your spider-bite incident on the Opie and Anthony show. You almost lost your arm! And your toe – you lost your big toe!

AJ: That’s all true. I got bit by a brown recluse spider. Google it. They are bad motherfucking spiders. The toe wasn’t from the spider…

LM: Do you have any new ailments?

AJ: Aliments? Well, I have something called leaky gut syndrome.

LM: Leaky gut?

AJ: Get this: so you know how the small intestine is semi-porous so nutrients can pass into your bloodstream?

LM: Yeah.

AJ: Well, if you drink, smoke, drink coffee, and eat too much junk food like pizza, those pores can become so big that the stuff inside your intestines can leak out into your body. All the nasty parasites, bacteria, and yeasts end up in your gut and eventually you end up with chronic fatigue, nasty skin conditions, dandruff…

LM: What’s the treatment?

AJ: No drinking, smoking, and no pizza and eggplant parm. Essentially it’s worse than having to quit hard drugs.

LM: So how’s it going?

AJ: I’m taking Benadryl instead.

LM: Benadryl? Didn’t you say on the Opie and Anthony show that you took Benadryl instead of going to the doctor and that’s why you almost lost your arm, and why you totally lost your toe?

AJ: I hate doctors.

LM: But…

AJ: Hate them!

LM: My doctor is kind of cute. She’s a chubby grub, but cute. They’re drug pushers.

AJ: No shit. Are you out of questions yet?

LM: Let’s see… new Ministry and Revco albums out next year, new label, “Masterbatour” next year… Rantololgy[1] out in stores now, Rob Zombie’s been ripping you off for the past 15 years…

AJ: Wha?

LM: Thanks for the interview!

AJ: Goodbye jackass!

LM: Goodbye Al!

[1] Reviewed in Legends #154. A real review, too…