Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
Ego ego ego. Not always a good thing. I know that you are getting ready to be in total control of all the situations around you for the next few weeks, but you really need to be sympathetic to you fellow peers that are not in control. I know that maybe someone might have said something hurtful to your romantic side of you a little while ago...they didn't mean it, it was probably an air sign rambling without turning their inner censor on. They are prone to do that, they don't always mean what they say, so ignore it.

Unless it was a Virgo or a Scorp...or a Sag. Then they did mean what they said and, if so, ouch!. Better luck next time, sweetie.

Virgo
As usual, you have fallen on your feet and money is coming out of your ears. Spend wisely. Now would be a good time to pay back all those that have helped you for so long. But depending on if you are shallow and only believe that you are the only thing that revolves around the sun in the universe, you won't do such a thing. I would suggest some IRA's though. Maybe a medical savings account since you are a hypochondriac and hate medical insurance.

Libra
Talk about needing medical insurance. Honest, you are okay...just not mentally. You need a live in therapist. Everyone is out to get you and you feel like you have no life. I know you believe that everyone thinks that you are evil. This isn't true. You just give off the impression that you are evil. This is what happens when you are stuck between two creepy signs: Virgo the analytical and Scorpio the methodical. You always get mistaken for one or the other. But trust me, you are all scales, babe. Yeah, you feel lazy right now. Why? Because you have been running non stop since the beginning of the year, no wonder now that everything has stopped you don't know what to do when the chaos is over. Trust me, it will start up again, and then you will be more than happy under tons of stress to keep you busy.

Scorpio
My aren't you the one with the quick comments that tear into people's souls and rip them asunder? Not cool. Bad Scorpie. No cookie. You are the raccoon from Over the Hedge! That or that scary assassin from the Da Vinci Code. Wow. What a comparable. You are so happy that the Bettie Page movie is coming out that you even bought a dress for the occasion...even the Scorpio girls did, too! I think you have reached your financial limit on books, eating out (no puns or double entedres here please), and just stuff! Stop buying so much crap! You can't afford it, knock it off! Also, you need to stop smothering everyone ...or you will end up alone. What? You say you can handle being alone? Right. You never need any minions to worship your feet, eh? I'll keep that in mind.

Sagittarius
Yes. They are out to get you. No, you are not paranoid. They want your immortal soul. I know you think you have lost your little mind...but believe me, it is a conspiracy. Have I fed into your paranoia enough? Good. Now listen to me: they can only hurt you if you let them hurt you. Otherwise, they do not exist. Remember your saying: give them enough rope to hang themselves. And never ever stay in one place too long to leave too much information for someone to use against you. Think Sandra Bullock in that movie The Net? That's you, babe. Just circumvent their programming and all will be zen hugs and cookies!

Capricorn
Why oh why, you wonder, does everything have to change so much all the time? Well, that's the thing about life. The only thing that is constant is change. You learn to roll with the punches, sweetie. I suspect you will be moving in the next 18 months. I only say this because I am sure that you are hungering for something in a location that you are stagnating in. Everything will be better by the end of 2007...this is my mantra and I'm sticking with it.

Aquarius
Wow. You really are bored, aren't you? Your groupie fan club all come down with the flu? Sorry, I like bashing you when I'm bored. Hey, Pan! Whatcha wanna do today? Hmmmmmm. Well, I could go get a job at Wal Mart, or pick on some unsuspecting Aquarius...sounds great! Let's go get some sticks and some hot pokers! Although it would be fun to go bug that smiley faced corporate regime with red hot pokers. Maybe Friday night. Seriously, tho. Watersigns, I really don't know what to tell you, except that you are a big flirt from another planet and you are still waiting for the mothership. What more can I say but that? None of your poems rhyme, you are a gothic hippy and you desperately need grounding. Nuff said.

Pisces
I love Pisces. I love them so much that I just want to give them a big hug and never let them go! Pisceans are great at picking up conversations and saving the day. Gods bless these creatures! Your gift for gab is going to save someone from a fate worse than death for the next few months. Keep up the good work...and get more sleep! A little sleep never hurt anyone. You are the prime motivator in saving those you love around you. Keep up the good work and I'll pray for ya.

Aries
Wow. I have never seen an Aries actually piss off everyone they know to the point that you have been shunned like an Amish girl wearing red scarlet knickers at the barn raising annual picnic! How did you do that? Maybe it started by accidentally on purpose stealing money from friends and family? Or, maybe it happened when you started lying and spreading gossip about people that you thought would never get together and compare notes. Wrong! I have to tell you, the older some rams get, the stupider their reactions and manipulations get, also. You wonder why you and Scorpios never get along? This is why. Scorpios never get caught! Oh, sure, they do the same stupid shit you do...but they always have a backup plan or an alternate escape route. Dumbass.

Taurus
The best thing for you to do right now is lay low and watch the nuclear explosion from your clubhouse in your lawn chair while drinking a beer. Then, when all the shitstorm is over and done, you can come in with a broom, pick up your luggage and go. I know that you have heard this before, but I will say it again: " Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of your loved ones...especially if they are being stupid." Sometimes you just gotta pay the check, tip your waitress and get out of dodge before another storm hits. I hope that helps.

Gemini
Oh mi god. You grew up? When did this happen, Peter Pan? Probably when you found your first gray hair in a place that is not on your head. Honestly, you are doing great. But you know as well as I do that you will backlash into doing something dorky and everyone will go "You are such a goof!" It's expected. It doesn't matter what age you are. I have seen dorky Gemini 87 year olds...it doesn't matter. You are under a chattery, babbling, flower wielding, nerf gun toting, silly string sign. But intelligent. Never forget that. You are not stupid. Just a dork.

Cancer
My goodness. You are funny when hot under the collar. You too can power walk all your anxieties away...just be sure that you don't walk so far to the point you are in another country. You really know how to get your mad on when you want to. I suggest that you go ramble off your anger to another person. You can't bottle it up inside. Or you will blow up. Little exploded crab meat all over the living room floor! And I just cleaned!