Rants & Essays
By Marcus Pan
Laura got a strange call recently. I can't even remember the
name of the guy, but he had asked for me while I was out doing something (work,
soccer, etc.) and she took a message. The message was that it was something
about "an old friend." So later that night I called it back and I get this guy
and he asks me if I remember a girl I used to date nigh on a decade ago. Well
sure, that was 3 years of my life swallowed whole. So he says he married her.
And I'm wondering where I should send the medal. And then he asks me if our
break up was nasty or nice or what. And all I could remember was that it was
somewhat shaky. And the clincher would I be interested in talking to
Let's think about this. At least for the 5 or so seconds it
took me to give that answer. What possible reason do I have to be interested in
talking to someone that I have had nothing to do with in over a decade?
My friends, as they have gotten older, hit their late 20s
early 30s, suddenly have been finding this desire to go back in time to rectify
things with people. I don't see the reason for it. Maybe I'm callous, but what
for? The only thing I can think of is that the G girl might want to do the
same. Rectify things. Surely I'm no saint, but maybe she feels she owes me
something. An apology perhaps? What for? Only vague shades of grey come back to
me to begin with. I recall her playing a little bit behind my back, but she was
young we both were. And I recall us having gone back and forth a few
times. What would the conversation entail exactly "Oops my bad?" Or
maybe it would be, "Well if you didn't...I wouldn't have..." Why open that?
It's been sleeping for so long there's really no reason to wake up.
Or maybe it would have been one of those catch-up
conversations. Those can be fun, in a chance meeting. "So what have you been up
to?" "Oh nothing much...run a magazine, own a house, great wife, cool kids,
coach an all star team..." I tend to win those. Or maybe it would have been a
memorial conversation. "Do you remember that time we...?" "No."
Am I interested in talking to her? What for?
I don't get the whole thing about contacting people for
amends. I mean it's been...well Laura and I have been together for about 8
years, and prior to that was Kat for a couple...so over a decade. Maybe they've
been replaying Flatliners on TV too often and now everybody's running
into the past to say oops, my bad. Well I'm not going to say oops my bad. I'm
Sometimes the cogs in the wheel of life get rusty and break
and pop out. So you replace those cogs with bigger, shinier, longer lasting
cogs to keep your wheel of life moving. And what you're supposed to do is throw
those cogs away. Some people like to keep a few in a box in the top of the
closet...but whatever you do, don't try and put those cogs back on the wheel.
You've upgraded. Putting old, rusty broken cogs back in is only going to make
the wheel go slower. This particular cog from a decade ago has been obsolete
for 10 years now, and I really don't have any room for it because I have these
bigger, cooler, faster and shinier cogs that are going to last a lifetime.
There's just nowhere to put any of the old ones back. And I checked my
closet...it isn't one of the cogs I kept in the box anyway.
Original a MagMan LiveJournal entry dated May 18,