Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
Don't touch the computer. Please...don't anger the electrical gods....you get so upset when things don't go your way you will end up throwing the computer out the window. Call tech services. Now go out, get a latte...take a deep breath and get a blow job. Moving on...

Virgo
It's so nice to see that your getting into drinking yourself to forget the painful memories of your past. You need to get off the cross...someone else needs the wood. Honey, get over it. They are not coming back and if they did they sure as hell don't want to see you like this.

Libra
Oh honey, things are looking up...stop blowing your credit card on stupid things and save it for proper things, like, plane tickets to London or Paris or Hollywood...I sense a road trip in your future. You have goals...it will happen.

Scorpio
I know that things have been hinckey for a while. It will get better. Time is one of those things that love to mess with your reality. It will be alright. Trust me. Just get out of bed and all will be well. I know you would love to live your whole life in bed...but you do have to pee sometime.

Sagittarius
Wow! You are losing your complete shit right now. Time to take the major reality check!!! Trust your air sign friends and believe me that they love you with all of their heart. It's okay. It is time to live your life for you!

Capricorn
You are being such a loner right now. Except to your parents. Question: do your parents truly run your life? You are a fucking adult...act like it. Stand up on your own two fucking feet and tell them to go to hell. They are not paying your way anymore. They do not own you. You have your own life now...tell them to get over it. Don't fall for the weepie and whiney can't live without you type of parent.

Aquarius
You are seriously in the middle of a debacle. Someone new has sort of glanced through your odd existence just recently.. Not your normal traits you usually fall for. You feel as though you have met once before, but you are not too sure. You do know that you run in the same circles, but you never seem to run into each other. You are in another country and they are in a forest. You are in the big city and they are hiding. Time will make these things come true. It will happen.

Pisces
Prayer is the best thing for you. It is so wonderful to see someone with such devout faith and love for the spiritual realm. I love you for it. Now if I could figure out how to harness your energy level to get me out of bed in the AM I'd be right as rain.

Aries
Don't think that you can get away with saying some of the things you have said lately. Karma does that. However, I know what you are going through...I know you feel that there are those that would love to see you fail. That's true, there are. Just ignore them and be your diva like personality.

Taurus
You need to keep Aries in check right now. Calm them down. They are totally freaking out because so many people are saying shit about them. Why? Because they are becoming a success and shit people don't want to see that. They want everyone to wallow in the mire with them. Take them to a movie or a sushi bar. Good luck.

Gemini
You have a lot of technical pizzazz going on right now. You have your hand in so many projects right now. I am personally stunned that you haven't passed out yet! You have been up for how many days now? Three? Four? Herbal tea does that? Wow.

Cancer
I know you would love nothing more than to sit at home, eat a shitload of Toblerone chocolate and cry over movies like My Best Friend’s Wedding or maybe My Big Fat Greek Wedding or The Wedding Planner. are you seeing a pattern yet? I saw you the other day looking at China patterns. Now may not be time honey. Wait it all out and see.