Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Aries
I suggest that you put the whip down and start listening to your therapist. Alright. I know that you beat your therapist. You wanted to be DeSade in another life. Well…this time is as good as any.

Taurus
Stop with the drama. If you hate your pathetic little life so fucking much, change it! Only you can move out of the crack house. Only you can change your destiny. If you are too lazy to change…then shut the fuck up.

Gemini
When you don’t know who to trust start with trusting no one and work up from there. When people actually care, you will be able to tell. Usually they are the ones that don’t want to borrow money or sell you a television for a nickel bag of weed.

Cancer
Why on earth would you let stupid people into your home? Was it because you were bored and the TV is busted? Do you not remember your code: “Drama outside. Home inside.”? I suggest you eradicate the problem and get your own life back.

Leo
Whatever you do…do not get physical. You have a huge temper and I know that you feel very protective of those you love right now. But all that could happen currently is you could get yourself hurt. I think you need to take a few steps back from the picture.

Virgo
So I see that you think you are going to die. Yet wild horses won’t take you to the hospital…pathetic. It’s time to put up or shut up. Other than that…you need to find a new job.

Libra
I am glad that you are stepping up to the plate to be a responsible person, however it is time to not blow all your cash on stupid things. But now it’s time to pay shit off before you get worse off than you are now.

Scorpio
Okay. You have screwed everyone in your book club, knitting circle, car club, therapy circle. Now what? Are you that mental? You need a new vibrator…you’ve broken the ones at home.

Sagittarius
Time for dreams to be put to reality. Let’s set the ball in motion and get things going. We have to get ready for the insanity of things to come.

Capricorn
I see a lot of staying at home and eating much fast food in your future. You need to put your priorities in order. When there is a golden chance of opportunity slapping you in the face…for fuck’s sake take it!

Aquarius
You are the biggest flirt of the zodiac. I do not know how you do it. I do not know what magic flirt powers you have, but if we could bottle it, I would be rich. You are the Pepe Le Pew of the zodiac. Enjoy it.

Pisces
If you could move heaven and earth to make your friends happy, you would. You need to relax and let everything take its course just for a little while and to see what happens.