Rants & Essays
Epic Tales Of A Goth Mommy
By Little Mikki
Illustration by Kristi Yordanova
For purposes of this article, I have a daughter. Thus I will
use articles such as She or Her a lot. But feel free if you have a
son to insert He or His just as often. Lets see if you can
identify with any of these strange occurrences.
The house was taken over by black clothes, 6 inch high heels
(owned by her best male friend), and strange people scattered about on the
living room floor over the weekend.
My kid has taken on four or more personalities, I know who
each persona is, the personas traits
and I find myself taking
messages for each one.
If I see my kid coming in at 3:00 AM Saturday morning
think she is coming in too early and grow concerned.
I have found that I know the location of every Dennys
restaurant within 25 miles of the house. I get extra points because the nearest
one is on my speed dial.
I found myself standing in line for 4 hours to get an
autograph from Anne Rice for my child. The reason being that the author was
only going to give one autograph per person, and my daughter had several books.
Bonus points are given because she went in costume, and dragged her friends
The rebel phase from what I have noticed is that they start
off with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and/or late night movie circuit.
Then onto working at various Renaissance Faires, then the boo I am a
vampire club scene. This is a norm. You will live through this too. Trust
Speaking of restaurants, my child and her friends have their
own booth at Dennys in the back of the diner so as to not scare the
normal people late at night. A booth way
in the back of
The 24 hour restaurants contain her basic four food groups:
Grease, meat, ranch dressing and tea. Ironically many of her group must pool
all of their money to buy a glass of water.
Almost every 24 hour restaurant, supermarket, diner and
convenience store has someone working the late shift that knows my child by one
or all of their names.
My daughter has e-mail for each persona. My daughter gets
e-mail for each persona.
She could not understand why I had such a hard time
explaining her trends to the PTA., church, family reunions, and company
and other head turning events that would regard her look as
unusual. I prefer exotic.
She thought that dusting and cleaning her room would hurt
all the dust bunnies that she was purposely trying to grow. Some were the size
of a small pony.
It was not unusual in my childs rebellious youth
to have to go pick her up at the local police department in the wee hours of
the morning after the officers had found her dangling from a cemetery gate
where a midnight photo shoot had been going on.
Once I caught her laying on the bed with a mirror held above
sucking in her cheeks posing to make sure she looked evil enough for her
friends to find her menacing.
She tried to dye the family taffy colored cocker spaniel
Sloopy to match her own black hair as well as her darkened
whatever THAT means.
She made me drive two hours to a local Goth
She told me that all her friends were Goth because they all
wanted to be different
yet some all looked the same.
Her idea of a Mecca type of place is New Orleans,
Transylvania, or the moors of Scotland
Bear in mind this all is depending
on the time of the year when the proper location is suppose to be the
She knows the best fang maker in Los Angeles
because she brings him extra business, she gets her fangs customized at a
discount. She has a pair of fangs that she can open a can of soda with and
everyone is stunned.
One moment she is in tune with nature as a
the next minute she is chasing after a cow with a fork and
knife wearing plastic fangs and looking for the next kill.
She is lifetime member of the Save the Bat conservation
group. But she is afraid of them in real life.
The favorite daytime hang out is the mall. This is so she
and her group of gothlings can be seen by others of their species
admired by the younger Goths
but of course! She tells me.
I was told that combat boots and black formal wear look good
She plays this music on her stereo : Industrial
Music. AKA: What the hell is this? And why are you playing it to scare
the dog? I judge all my childs music by the reaction of our pets
why is each song over 35 minutes? Why is there no volume control on any of her
The son with the long locks that fall down now to the middle
of his back is already beginning to grow concerned that he may be losing his
hes 16. Some day maybe.
My childs wardrobe lies on the floor jumbled up and
waiting for the next wearing. On the other hand, the closet is empty, except
for the one spot where she goes to hide and embrace the
Her friends have a fancy for actors like: Johnny Depp,
Christina Ricci, Faruza Balk, Pinhead, Winona Ryder, Stuart Townsend
actor originally from Rocky Horror
or any rebel from any movie ever made
(ie: Renfield) or any super super bad bad evil actor from the I am soooo
evil genre. Case in point, the actor that plays Professor Snape.
My child has gone to so many B rated and under
midnight movie shows with her friends that even I can recite the lines and the
She has gone to the midnight movie house so many times that
they are local celebrities
almost as famous as the characters on the
silver screen. Her group even has their own seating at the theatres! The first
row is entirely devoted to them and their stand ins! Yes! They arent even
ACTING and they have stand ins!
Speaking of the movies, if she forgot to bring her money to
the show, the management just shrugs and lets her in
and forgets it!
She goes to clubs and she is either guest listed or they
just look at her and go Oh, yeah
come on in.
When I comment when she blows her credit card on expensive
boots or jackets or gothic twaddle
she just looks at me and says But
mom, being tragic costs money.
You may be surprised to know that your son knows how to use
a zipper-foot and can make some pretty fancy hot sexy clothes
better, in fact, than the most expensive item in your own closet. I suggest if
this is the case, let him make your next outfit.
My daughter decided to change the lovely shade of her hair
to black, then magenta, then a combination of both at the same time
of looking like an evil candy cane.
I found myself on a sort of suicide watch when the local Hot
Topic store ran out of white pancake foundation and special black eyeliner
sadly, her best male friend was worked up about this as
for himself of course.
Her group and she herself knew exactly where the tombstones
at the local graveyard were with the last names spelled similar to theirs by
heart. I even saw one friend of hers standing in a photo in front of the
tombstone in front of the portion of the name on the stone so that just the
part of the accurate section of their name appeared.
My child goes shopping for clothes after Halloween to get
the best deals on sale items. I also get extra points on this because she also
shops after Christmas/New Years to be able to get the best prices on
various velvets and black lace garments.
Her bedroom is covered with cobwebs because she doesnt
want to hurt the spiders. But she comes running to me shrieking if a spider is
anywhere near her on a level below the ceiling.
I found myself going with her for the first time at the
local tattooing parlor. What a scrapbook moment that was: Babys
She protests, and she petitions and even insisted that I
should sign up to get horror movie actors on the postage stamp
forgot to vote when the time came up.
For a while, she forgot how to use a comb or a
her direct quote was Who cares? Were all going to die
If perchance I dont cringe because of what she is
wearing when she is ready to go out for the evening she will turn right around
and go back into her room to change into something that will be guaranteed to
All in all
goths are pretty harmless if left alone and
to their own devices. But take heart! You will be happy to know that the
parents curse really does work. What is the curse you might ask? Why
its the same one your parents put on you. I hope you grow up to
have children just like you. They will. Just be patient.
This is dedicated to my daughter, Auntie Pan Pan and all her
Kooky, Ooky, Fiendish Friends
and you ALL know who you are!