Rants & Essays

Epic Tales Of A Goth Mommy

By Little Mikki
Illustration by Kristi Yordanova

For purposes of this article, I have a daughter. Thus I will use articles such as “She or Her” a lot. But feel free if you have a son to insert “He or His” just as often. Let’s see if you can identify with any of these strange occurrences.

The house was taken over by black clothes, 6 inch high heels (owned by her best male friend), and strange people scattered about on the living room floor over the weekend.

My kid has taken on four or more personalities, I know who each persona is, the persona’s traits…and I find myself taking messages for each one.

If I see my kid coming in at 3:00 AM Saturday morning…I think she is coming in too early and grow concerned.

I have found that I know the location of every Denny’s restaurant within 25 miles of the house. I get extra points because the nearest one is on my speed dial.

I found myself standing in line for 4 hours to get an autograph from Anne Rice for my child. The reason being that the author was only going to give one autograph per person, and my daughter had several books. Bonus points are given because she went in costume, and dragged her friends along too.

The rebel phase from what I have noticed is that they start off with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and/or late night movie circuit. Then onto working at various Renaissance Faires, then the “boo I am a vampire” club scene. This is a norm. You will live through this too. Trust me.

Speaking of restaurants, my child and her friends have their own booth at Denny’s in the back of the diner so as to not scare the normal people late at night. A booth way…way…way… in the back of the diner.

The 24 hour restaurants contain her basic four food groups: Grease, meat, ranch dressing and tea. Ironically many of her group must pool all of their money to buy a glass of water.

Almost every 24 hour restaurant, supermarket, diner and convenience store has someone working the late shift that knows my child by one or all of their names.

My daughter has e-mail for each persona. My daughter gets e-mail for each persona.

She could not understand why I had such a hard time explaining her trends to the PTA., church, family reunions, and company picnics…and other head turning events that would regard her look as “unusual”. I prefer “exotic”.

She thought that dusting and cleaning her room would hurt all the dust bunnies that she was purposely trying to grow. Some were the size of a small pony.

It was not unusual in my child’s rebellious youth to have to go pick her up at the local police department in the wee hours of the morning after the officers had found her dangling from a cemetery gate where a midnight photo shoot had been going on.

Once I caught her laying on the bed with a mirror held above sucking in her cheeks posing to make sure she looked evil enough for her friends to find her menacing.

She tried to dye the family taffy colored cocker spaniel Sloopy to match her own black hair as well as her ‘darkened soul’…whatever THAT means.

She made me drive two hours to a ‘local’ Goth shoppe.

She told me that all her friends were Goth because they all wanted to be “different”…yet some all looked the same.

Her idea of a Mecca type of place is New Orleans, Transylvania, or the moors of Scotland…Bear in mind this all is depending on the time of the year when the proper location is suppose to be the gloomiest.

She knows the best fang maker in Los Angeles…and because she brings him extra business, she gets her fangs customized at a discount. She has a pair of fangs that she can open a can of soda with and everyone is stunned.

One moment she is in tune with nature as a vegetarian…the next minute she is chasing after a cow with a fork and knife wearing plastic fangs and looking for the “next kill”.

She is lifetime member of the Save the Bat conservation group. But she is afraid of them in real life.

The favorite daytime hang out is the mall. This is so she and her group of gothlings can be seen by others of their species…and admired by the younger Goths…but of course! She tells me.

I was told that combat boots and black formal wear look good together.

She plays this music on her stereo : “Industrial Music”. AKA: What the hell is this? And why are you playing it to scare the dog? I judge all my child’s music by the reaction of our pets…and why is each song over 35 minutes? Why is there no volume control on any of her stereos?

The son with the long locks that fall down now to the middle of his back is already beginning to grow concerned that he may be losing his hair…he’s 16. Some day maybe.

My child’s wardrobe lies on the floor jumbled up and waiting for the next wearing. On the other hand, the closet is empty, except for the one spot where she goes to hide and “embrace the darkness.”

Her friends have a fancy for actors like: Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Faruza Balk, Pinhead, Winona Ryder, Stuart Townsend…any actor originally from Rocky Horror…or any rebel from any movie ever made (ie: Renfield) or any super super bad bad evil actor from the “I am soooo evil genre”. Case in point, the actor that plays Professor Snape.

My child has gone to so many “B” rated and under midnight movie shows with her friends that even I can recite the lines and the inside adlibs.

She has gone to the midnight movie house so many times that they are local celebrities…almost as famous as the characters on the silver screen. Her group even has their own seating at the theatres! The first row is entirely devoted to them and their stand ins! Yes! They aren’t even ACTING and they have stand ins!

Speaking of the movies, if she forgot to bring her money to the show, the management just shrugs and lets her in…and forgets it!

She goes to clubs and she is either guest listed or they just look at her and go “Oh, yeah…come on in.”

When I comment when she blows her credit card on expensive boots or jackets or gothic twaddle…she just looks at me and says “But mom, being tragic costs money.”

You may be surprised to know that your son knows how to use a zipper-foot and can make some pretty fancy hot sexy clothes…possibly better, in fact, than the most expensive item in your own closet. I suggest if this is the case, let him make your next outfit.

My daughter decided to change the lovely shade of her hair to black, then magenta, then a combination of both at the same time…sort of looking like an evil candy cane.

I found myself on a sort of suicide watch when the local Hot Topic store ran out of white pancake foundation and special black eyeliner before prom…sadly, her best male friend was worked up about this as well…for himself of course.

Her group and she herself knew exactly where the tombstones at the local graveyard were with the last names spelled similar to theirs by heart. I even saw one friend of hers standing in a photo in front of the tombstone in front of the portion of the name on the stone so that just the part of the accurate section of their name appeared.

My child goes shopping for clothes after Halloween to get the best deals on sale items. I also get extra points on this because she also shops after Christmas/New Year’s to be able to get the best prices on various velvets and black lace garments.

Her bedroom is covered with cobwebs because she doesn’t want to hurt the spiders. But she comes running to me shrieking if a spider is anywhere near her on a level below the ceiling.

I found myself going with her for the first time at the local tattooing parlor. What a scrapbook moment that was: “Baby’s first tattoo.”

She protests, and she petitions and even insisted that I should sign up to get horror movie actors on the postage stamp…but she forgot to vote when the time came up.

For a while, she forgot how to use a comb or a brush…her direct quote was “Who cares? We’re all going to die anyway.”

If perchance I don’t cringe because of what she is wearing when she is ready to go out for the evening she will turn right around and go back into her room to change into something that will be guaranteed to shock me.

All in all…goths are pretty harmless if left alone and to their own devices. But take heart! You will be happy to know that the parent’s curse really does work. What is the curse you might ask? Why it’s the same one your parents put on you. “I hope you grow up to have children just like you.” They will. Just be patient.

This is dedicated to my daughter, Auntie Pan Pan and all her Kooky, Ooky, Fiendish Friends…and you ALL know who you are!