JOEY HEADSET: Get Your Scare On A Guide to
Regarding Halloween, I believe it was the
rap group Wreckx-N-Effect that said it best when they said "I ain't into
trickin, just the treatin -- and I ain't into treatin every trick that I'm
eatin!" Truer words were never spoken. Of course, the song that included this
lyric was entitled Rump Shaker. So I suppose it's possible they weren't
talking about Halloween so much as they were talking about...well, rump
shaking. Even so, the sentiment is still valid! Halloween is the scariest and
awesomeist holiday around. But it's SO misunderstood! Most people don't even
know the history of the holiday.
Halloween was established in the late 1880's by George
Renninger, a professional confectioner. After inventing Candy Corn, one of the
least appealing candy products of all time, Renninger struggled to sell those
putrid crap-nuggets to the public.
Renninger had little
luck...until he tripped over an old fruitcake he had placed under the leg of a
wobbly coffee table. He thought to himself, "No one actually likes fruitcakes,
but they always buy them at Christmas, just because they're TRADITIONAL." In a
sudden burst of inspiration, Renninger created Halloween: a holiday
specifically designed to sell Candy Corn. Renninger couldn't make palatable
candy to save his life... but he was a marketing GENIUS!
Halloween is a special kind of holiday. We observe typical
holidays by over-indulging on alcohol. This is true for Christmas, New Years,
Columbus Day...Ramadan. Halloween is different because we celebrate by
over-indulging on candy rather than booze. This is not to say there's no
drinking on Halloween. There is drinking. A LOT of drinking. But it's really
more about the candy, and various forms of recreational vandalism. Remember:
Halloween is the only day of the year when destroying other people's property
is perfectly legal. Well, it's legal so long as no one sees you do it. Some
people like to TP their neighbor's yard or throw eggs at their front door.
Personally, I like to go that extra mile and smash up the windows on his Madza
Miata. One time, I even set his dog on fire. That's a Halloween neither I nor
my neighbor will soon forget!
Of course, we can't neglect the most popular aspect of
Halloween: the costumes! When it comes to Halloween costumes, there are
different expectations for girls and guys. For the ladies, Halloween isn't a
time for dressing up -- it's a time for dressing in not very much at all! I
know it gets chilly in late October, but trust your friend Joey when he tells
you bitches: less (clothing) is more! But this doesn't mean you have to dress
like a WHORE. Though, come to think of it, a whore costume would be an
excellent choice. However, there are other options. You could show up to a
Halloween party dressed as a vampire. A SLUTTY vampire. Also acceptable: slutty
nurses, slutty wood nymphs, slutty tax accountants. As long as the costume is
slutty, it's ALL GOOD. Unless you're ugly. In that case, you should come
dressed as a ghost...or any other costume where you cover yourself with a
Fellas have much more flexibility when selecting costumes.
Be creative! Last year I went out dressed as a vicious gang member. I wore a
blue bandana (CRIPS 4 LIFE!) and carried a big knife. When I went out
Trick-or-Treating, I didn't just get lots of candy. I also got watches,
jewelry...even a couple of wallets! Best Halloween EVER. The year before that,
I went out dressed as a male prostitute. Sadly, nobody wanted to give me any
treats. But a few people I met out on the street were interested in TRICKS --
and they were even willing to pay for them. I'll take $50 cash over "fun-sized"
Snickers any day of the week!
Halloween is the most fun you have without breaking state or
federal laws. Have a great time Trick-or-Treating... and STAY SAFE! If you find
any razor blades in your candy, be sure to rinse them thoroughly before popping
them in your mouth.
For more Joey Headset:
October 27, 2006.