Department

Horrorscopes

By Auntie PanPan

Leo
I think that the more you worry about shit, the more you get paranoid that they are out to get you. I wish I could just shake you and say “snap outta it!” Oh well, you will have to get over this hurdle yourself sweetie.

Virgo
Yawn…oh…you’re here? Okay. Seriously. You have become a stalker in your own morbidly miserable little life. What can I say? Move the hell on? I’ve said that for months…years. How about the suggestion that you should go look toward greener pastures and move the fuck on from your previous melodramas?

Libra
What the hell is it with you and jewelry? I will never understand how someone who is supposedly so damn broke that they can’t pay their bills is able to go out and party? Explain this to me. Pay shit off, dammit!

Scorpio
I see a happy ending. I see good news. I see little molehills that will all work itself out. A happy ending is a great thing for you and your family, sweetie. You deserve it.

Sagittarius
Just wait for the floorshow to go by…then go out and strut your stuff. Keep working on those three special projects that you haven’t shared with anyone. You will succeed if you stick to your guns, honey.

Capricorn
Put the ball in motion right now to prepare for the future. You have so much life and love to give to the world. I almost envy you…almost. Now if you could just get rid of the dead wood in your life that likes to come back and haunt you…wow how infamous you could be.

Aquarius
You know I have a soft spot for you critters. I have no idea why. Don’t be surprised if you have to tie anyone down that you love so you can read the phone book to them…they love the tone of your voice. It ought to be interesting these next few weeks for you.

Pisces
Keep the happy thoughts coming! Don’t stop now! You are the happy energy that keeps the air signs and other water signs going! Don’t give up. You are almost to your goal!

Aries
I pity you. I weep for your future. Please don’t get caught doing anything regarding bondage in the next few weeks. Anything entailing being tied down. Tying anyone down…whether in the astral realm or the emotional realm or the reality realm. Just stop.

Taurus
Stop encouraging stupid people to do stupid things. Your mamma taught you better than that, didn’t they?

Gemini
You just need to work hard and keep at the brass ring to reach your goals…you can do it.

Cancer
If you are guilty of fucking someone up the ass with a chain link dildo…be prepared to reap karma. ‘Nuff said.