JOEY HEADSET: Bring Back the TRANS Fats
Bowing down to pressure from
Nutritionistas, Kentucky Fried Chicken is joining the rest of the fast food
industry in dropping trans fats from their menu. This move has been a long time
coming. For years, health experts have insisted that trans fats cause heart
disease, diabetes and even liver damage. I'm no expert on health, but I am an
expert on deliciousness. As an expert, I can say authoritatively: trans
fats are delicious!
Of course, this is hardly surprising. All fats are
delicious. And, as fats go, trans fats are actually less delicious than the
regular ones. Remember: margarine = trans fat, butter = regular fat. Obviously
butter tastes better, and it doesn't even kill you as fast as the fake stuff.
So why would anyone choose to use trans fats? Fast food companies used them
because they have a longer shelf life. A KFC drumstick cooked in partially
hydrogenated soybean oil will stay extra-tasty-crispy for up to 12 years.
Coincidentally, that's how long the breading from that chicken will remain in
your gastrointestinal tract. Trans fats are cheap, convenient, and toxic to
human beings. Trans fats are what fast food is all about, and KFC should be
ashamed to let them go.
If KFC really wants to ban something from
their restaurants, they shouldn't ban trans fats. They should ban fat
I don't need science or doctors to tell me what I should
eat. That's what television is for. If KFC runs ads telling me I should
eat a bowl of chicken, cheese, corn, gravy and marshed portaters, then that's
exactly what I'm going to do. Fuck, I'll eat small rodents if KFC covers them
in the Colonel's "secret recipe" of eleven herbs and partially hydrogenated
spices. If those deep fried rodent morsels weren't Finger Lickin' Good, why
would KFC waste money advertising them? Trust me when I tell you that I will
never capitulate to the will of the granola crunching health maniacs who would
turn every greasy chicken joint in America into a vegan cafe. I'll eat anything
KFC is willing to serve, and I don't care what effects it might have on
my health. Trans fats, faux fats, ultra fats, quantum fats - brim em
But I still won't eat at Arby's. Even I have my limit.
For more Joey Headset:
November 14, 2006.