By Dave Barry
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine
device, which is why we ask you to read this owner's manual carefully before
you unpack it. You already unpacked it, didn't you? And you plugged it in and
turned it on and fiddled with the knobs, and now your child, who once shoved a
sausage into your VCR and set it on "fast forward," is fiddling with the knobs,
right? And you're just starting to read the instructions, right???
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes, because
we're always getting back "defective" merchandise that the consumer
inadvertently destroyed. Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE: The device is encased in foam to
protect it from the Shipping People, who like to jab spears into the boxes.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX
OR PIECES OF PLASTIC FOAM, EVEN TH E LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you
attempt to return the device and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just
after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
2. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE: The actual working central parts
of the device are manufactured in Japan. The instructions were translated by
Mrs. Shirley Peltwater of accounts receivable, who has never actually been to
Japan but does have most of SHOGUN on tape.
Instructions: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: Never to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next, taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence!
However, if this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action,
as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
3. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together
with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted
against all defects, failures, malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon at shortly before two.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS SHOGUN ON TAPE.