Rants & Essays

Christmas, Bah Humbug

By Jaken Steele

Christmas. It is the Yuletide season when everyone gets together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Now let's look at this for a moment, shall we? It's the birthday of Jesus, yet we get the presents. He gets the thought, we get the gift…now that's a concept I can deal with. At the time of this joyous occasion, everyone is supposed to gather together to have fun and make merry. We're all supposed to be happy…yeah, right. I don't seem to like Christmas. Haven't since I was about 15 or so. One reason is this…girlfriends. I never seem to have a girlfriend at Christmas time, and not having one now only helps to carry on the tradition. Not having a girlfriend at Christmas kind of bums me out. I mean, that's what I thought it was all about: celebrating a special time of year with someone equally as special. Now I know that everyone is saying, "Well, what about your family and friends?" All I can say is this…having family (i.e. aunts, grandmothers, cousins) over the house is nice, and spending time with your friends is always cool, but it isn't the same has having the current love of your life by your side. If you think that my idea of a merry Christmas is standing under the mistletoe kissing the various assortments of aunts and grandmothers that walk through the door, then you evidently are sadly mistaken.

People always ask me the same question at this time of year, and that is…what do you want for Christmas? Every year since I was 15 I've had that question asked of me and the answer is always the same…nothing. I don't want a damned thing for Christmas. No, wait. That's not true. There are a few things I want. One of them is my sanity. If anyone hears of a half-price sale or a 2-for-1 special, then let me know. Another thing I want is more attainable…peace for all mankind. Now I know that sounds kind of normal, but, hey, we all get weird every once in a while. I would ask for a girlfriend for Christmas, but I don't want to ask for the impossible.

The main reason I don't want anything for Christmas is that it's too damned commercial and I wouldn't want people to spend three times as much money for a gift that they could easily get for less during the rest of the year.

It amazes me how much Christmas means to executives in three-piece suits. I mean, I've seen more commercials in one week than I saw all through the summer. My little cousins like all the toys they see on TV and that's all well and good, but if Mattel thinks they can jack up the prices 300% and still get me to buy toys because it's Christmas time, then they are bigger knuckleheads and more mind-warped than I am.

One thing that always helps me to get through it all is something I've done since I was 15 (I'm 22 now). I have a full-blown SCROOGE-A-THON! A scrooge-a-thon is me being as bah humbug as possible from the last week of November to the day after Christmas. It may sound mean, but trying to piss off as many people as I possibly can is actually kind of fun. Besides, I know people who are a lot worse than I am, so don't start getting all high and mighty like you've never been a scrooge. I'm 22. I've seen a lot of Christmases and I know what I know. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that this season would be a lot less stressful if people gave the best gift of all…themselves. Maybe it's my warped view of the world, but it seems that Time, Love and Attention are more valuable than toys, scarves or socks, but hey…people do what they want to. One day though, everyone may come to their senses about Christmas, but until that day arrives I'll be a Scrooge to the best of my natural ability. Peace…and merry Christmas.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Hey, Steele, if you ever find that 2-for-1 sanity sale, pick me up one. As a matter of fact, get me a couple…I could always use a backup!
Peace - Pan .