When They Absolutely, Positively Don't Want To Go Out With
By Michael Warren
It's quite possible the worst thing that ever was. At least,
it feels like it at the time.
What do you do when the answer is, "No, I don't want to go
out with you?" You could try the following 10 ideas (not that they'll help
1. Sue. That's right, get yourself a good attorney and take
the person who rejected you to court. This will make you famous, and if your
case is strong enough the judge might sentence the person to go out with you.
2. Say, "That's too bad. I told Phil you'd be joining us and
he sounded excited about it."
"Collins." (Feel free to try
other names, as appropriate.) When the person BEGS to go out with you, say it's
3. Tell the person: "That's great I really didn't want to go
out with you anyway. I was just kidding. Nya-nya-nya-nya-NYA-nya." You won't be
believed, but it might make you feel better.
4. Give up dating entirely. Go into a months-long
depression. Eat only dry rice cakes. Wear black a lot. Then write a bleak novel
(or song) about teen-age angst, sell it, make a million dollars and ask the
person out again after you're famous.
5. Point out that being rejected might cause you to
experience emotional suffering. Explain that the therapy bills could run up
into thousands of dollars. Say that the insurance companies will come looking
for the person who rejected you.
6. Reveal your secret identity as heir to the throne of some
obscure but glamorous sounding place (Barcelona is currently popular). Then
point out that the person missed his/her chance.
7. Write a term paper about dealing with rejection and see
if you can turn it in for social studies class. (Be sure to change the names.)
8. Do something to get your mind off being rejected - like
begin a comprehensive study of quantum mechanics.
9.Try, try again. Practice makes perfect. Give it one more
shot. Stop nursing those wounds. No pain, no gain.
10. Live with it. Take it like a man (or a woman, depending
on your particular gender). You'll get over it eventually