When They Absolutely, Positively Don't Want To Go Out With YOU

By Michael Warren

It's quite possible the worst thing that ever was. At least, it feels like it at the time.

What do you do when the answer is, "No, I don't want to go out with you?" You could try the following 10 ideas (not that they'll help much):

1. Sue. That's right, get yourself a good attorney and take the person who rejected you to court. This will make you famous, and if your case is strong enough the judge might sentence the person to go out with you.

2. Say, "That's too bad. I told Phil you'd be joining us and he sounded excited about it."
"Phil who?"
"Collins." (Feel free to try other names, as appropriate.) When the person BEGS to go out with you, say it's too late.

3. Tell the person: "That's great I really didn't want to go out with you anyway. I was just kidding. Nya-nya-nya-nya-NYA-nya." You won't be believed, but it might make you feel better.

4. Give up dating entirely. Go into a months-long depression. Eat only dry rice cakes. Wear black a lot. Then write a bleak novel (or song) about teen-age angst, sell it, make a million dollars and ask the person out again after you're famous.

5. Point out that being rejected might cause you to experience emotional suffering. Explain that the therapy bills could run up into thousands of dollars. Say that the insurance companies will come looking for the person who rejected you.

6. Reveal your secret identity as heir to the throne of some obscure but glamorous sounding place (Barcelona is currently popular). Then point out that the person missed his/her chance.

7. Write a term paper about dealing with rejection and see if you can turn it in for social studies class. (Be sure to change the names.)

8. Do something to get your mind off being rejected - like begin a comprehensive study of quantum mechanics.

9.Try, try again. Practice makes perfect. Give it one more shot. Stop nursing those wounds. No pain, no gain.

10. Live with it. Take it like a man (or a woman, depending on your particular gender). You'll get over it eventually…probably.