Rants & Essays

No Smoking?

By Ed Anger

I'm twirling out of my skull over all those squealing pencil-neck health freaks who want to snuff out the great American past-time of tobacco smoking.

And another thing. The most recent medical studies clearly show that the second-hand smoke these nervous Nellies are so scared of is harmless to normal people. The only people this recycled smoke bothers are folks who are genetically weak anyway. This means they are the runts of the human litter and probably will die of something else before the smoke ever gets a chance to kill them.

If docs could spot these weaklings who are allergic to smoke early enough, we could put 'em to sleep. Then we wouldn't have to worry about these silly smoking rules where we work.

And not only that, this nincompoop smoking ban is actually causing MORE people in the office to light up.

It finally dawned on the non-smokers, who've been proven in study after study to have lower IQ's than smokers, that everybody around them was getting to go outside for these great cigarette breaks of 10, 15, and sometimes even 45 minutes several times a day.

The laziest of the non-smokers began to light up so they could get out of work, too.

And that's why yours truly isn't worried about this stupid rule staying in effect for more than a couple of weeks.

Dumb as they are, nonsmokers will finally figure out how much work they can avoid if they light up.

Soon, everybody will be smoking so we won't need to ban it in the office anymore and everybody could get back to work and light up where they're supposed to - at their desks.

PS - Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke…