Humor

Thoughts From the Torture Chamber - "Food"

By Jaken Steele

Did you ever notice that at the weirdest times of the night you get hungry and have cravings for the funkiest shit? For example, I've just finished a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone and am now working my way through a sandwich of hamburger helper with cheese, a slice of boiled ham and barbecue sauce on whole wheat bread. Washing this all down is a glass of lukewarm iced tea. It may sound gross, but at 4:43 AM (which it is now), it is actually pretty good. A unique blending of flavors this meal is.

Raiding the refrigerator is nothing new, but try doing it at 4:30 on a Thursday morning when the parental units don't go shopping for food until tomorrow. When it seems like there's nothing to eat, just dig a little deeper into the fridge. Trust me, you'll find some kind of concoction to put together. I know, because I have.

I think the best one was one night, about 3AM, I made a taylor ham (pork roll) sandwich with some barbecue sauce. Now that doesn't sound too bad, does it? Here's the clincher. We didn't have any bread of any sort so I used Thomas' blueberry toaster cakes instead.

That sent the taste buds on a fucking roller coaster ride, let me tell you. I've made that sandwich quite a number of times and each time it comes out differently (maybe it's the barbecue sauce…I don't know). Either way, it usually doesn't matter.

Then there's the subject of munchie food which is a totally different matter all together. For me it's usually Diet Pepsi and Cheese Waffles. Now for those of you who don't know what Cheese Waffles are, let me 'splain. Cheese Waffles are these round, waffle like, cracker type things with fake, processed cheese spread in the middle that cost $1.59 at the local convenience store by my house. They're tasty little things, but they have one small drawback…you can actually taste the preservatives in these things. Now I'm not making any sort of guarantee, but I'm willing to bet if you eat a bag a week for the rest of your life you won't die. The reasoning behind this is you'll be so chock full of preservatives that you'll probably just petrify. I could be wrong; who knows. If you could find them wherever you live, try them. You never know, they just might be good for you (then again). I don't know; I like 'em. But then again I'm not that picky. Until next time,

PEACE.

Jaken Steele