Warning: Read This and We Own Your Soul

By Ron White

By focusing on the text below this label, you agree to read this under the terms specified by Legends in accordance with the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. All companies and products specified herein are fictitious, except those that aren't. No plants or animals were mistreated during the production of this column. Do not remove under penalty of law.

Sometime in the lives of most PC users - when they're really, really bored, and there's nothing more interesting to do than back up a gigabyte drive with floppy disks - they will actually read those technolegal warnings that come with each software package.

If you've ever been that bored, you'll have noticed the warning says the mere act of opening a paper envelope means you'll never let your brother-in-law borrow the program - even for a couple hours. At the same time, the warning also has some wording that goes something like: "Big Old Gigantic Universal Software, Inc. (BOGUS Inc.) makes no representations or warranties about this product and disclaims any warranties, expressed or otherwise, or advertisements, or what the guy in the computer store told you about the fitness of this software for any particular purpose." Sorry, Charlie.

All this is couched in mumbo jumbo so stultifying that you'll never read another disclaimer again.