Thoughts From the Torture Chamber - "Relationships"

By Jaken Steele

Hear ye, hear ye. Be it known to all Legends readers that on this 22nd day of September in the year 1993, I, Jaken Steele, am one pissed off son of a bitch!

I have once again heard those fateful words, "You're a sweet, kind, caring, considerate guy…but…etc." A girl I'm good friends with has just recently heard those similar words spoken to her on this day also. Look people, the formula goes just like this…

A) Boy and girl meet.
B) Boy and girl develop wonderful, lasting relationship.
C) They live happily ever-fucking-after.

Okay. Simple, right? Wrong! It seems there are people in this world who constantly screw this up. Now listen up 'cause I'm only gonna say this once…this formula fucking works! It's worked for the past 1000 years; it's a proven fact. Yet people have to try and make a good thing better. Hasn't anyone ever heard of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Doesn't anyone realize a good thing is better than nothing at all? I am once again single and am finding myself wishing that the human race was asexual and didn't need each other for reproduction. It would solve a lot of heartache. Now I know that may sound quite a bit harsh, but goddamn it I don't care 'cause I'm bitter.

As I write this a good friend that I care about is crying her eyes out over some self-centered, egotistical rat-bastard who didn't give a shit about her feelings. The fact that this seems harsh and rude may be because I'm angry, upset and piss-drunk.

As I look over what I've written and listen to what I call "The Ultimate Depression Album" (also known as Air Supply's "Greatest Hits"), I have but a single question to ask. Are there any females left that aren't materialistic and picky? I mean, just because I don't have money, a nice car, a huge house, the face and body of a Greek god or long hair, that does not make me a total loser. It's sad to think that's what most girls go for in a guy today. Now I can hear the whole single female population saying, "Guys are materialistic and picky too!" I'll agree. Most guys are materialistic, picky, egotistical assholes. But so are most girls, which means almost the whole population of single people in this world ain't worth sour owl shit.

All I want is to find someone who is intelligent, has a sense of humor and a happy-go-lucky outlook on life. Now is that too much to ask for? Looks, height, weight and what-not don't matter to me. Now if you don't believe that, you should see some of my x-girlfriends…trust me.

Girls, there are guys out there who are nice, considerate, etc., etc. Now I'm not trying to be egotistical, but I'm one of them (Lord knows I've been told enough times), yet all I ever hear are those same fateful words that I spoke before. I know that I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I'll admit that, but I'm more than willing to try and come up with a compromise. I mean, come on ladies…work with me here, okay?

Guys, I'm talking to you too. Think about how bad some of you have treated your x-girlfriends or even your current girlfriend. Now here is someone who loves you and sees something in you you might not even see in yourself. To me that's an honor and it's not something that happens too often. If people got over being so damn picky and decided to take a chance, there just might be some long lasting relationships in this world. I know everyone worries about getting hurt, but hey, anyone you choose to start a relationship with is taking just as much of a chance as you are. Okay? Good.

Now back to my problem. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but girls (and guys) say they want someone who is going to care about them and treat them with love and respect. Right? Okay. Any girlfriend that I've ever had gets treated like an angel, yet as it looks right now I am still single.

Now, question - What is wrong with this picture? Is there something I'm missing? I mean if there is, then hopefully someone out there will write to me here at the Legends office and give me a clue as to just what the hell I'm doing wrong. I'm serious people. Write me and help me figure this out. Hell, send me a phone number and I'll call to talk to you personally if you want. I mean I just don't know what else to do. Help!!!

Huh…well, it's 7:35 A.M. and I have business to attend to. Thanks for letting me blow off steam. Sorry if I offended anyone. I didn't mean to. Catch you all next time.