Thoughts From the Torture Chamber - "Relationships"
By Jaken Steele
Hear ye, hear ye. Be it known to all Legends readers that on
this 22nd day of September in the year 1993, I, Jaken Steele, am one pissed off
son of a bitch!
I have once again heard those fateful words, "You're a
sweet, kind, caring, considerate guy
etc." A girl I'm good
friends with has just recently heard those similar words spoken to her on this
day also. Look people, the formula goes just like this
A) Boy and girl meet.
B) Boy and girl develop wonderful,
C) They live happily ever-fucking-after.
Okay. Simple, right? Wrong! It seems there are people in
this world who constantly screw this up. Now listen up 'cause I'm only gonna
say this once
this formula fucking works! It's worked for the past 1000
years; it's a proven fact. Yet people have to try and make a good thing better.
Hasn't anyone ever heard of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Doesn't anyone
realize a good thing is better than nothing at all? I am once again single and
am finding myself wishing that the human race was asexual and didn't need each
other for reproduction. It would solve a lot of heartache. Now I know that may
sound quite a bit harsh, but goddamn it I don't care 'cause I'm bitter.
As I write this a good friend that I care about is crying
her eyes out over some self-centered, egotistical rat-bastard who didn't give a
shit about her feelings. The fact that this seems harsh and rude may be because
I'm angry, upset and piss-drunk.
As I look over what I've written and listen to what I call
"The Ultimate Depression Album" (also known as Air Supply's "Greatest Hits"), I
have but a single question to ask. Are there any females left that aren't
materialistic and picky? I mean, just because I don't have money, a nice car, a
huge house, the face and body of a Greek god or long hair, that does not make
me a total loser. It's sad to think that's what most girls go for in a guy
today. Now I can hear the whole single female population saying, "Guys are
materialistic and picky too!" I'll agree. Most guys are materialistic, picky,
egotistical assholes. But so are most girls, which means almost the whole
population of single people in this world ain't worth sour owl shit.
All I want is to find someone who is intelligent, has a
sense of humor and a happy-go-lucky outlook on life. Now is that too much to
ask for? Looks, height, weight and what-not don't matter to me. Now if you
don't believe that, you should see some of my x-girlfriends
Girls, there are guys out there who are nice, considerate,
etc., etc. Now I'm not trying to be egotistical, but I'm one of them (Lord
knows I've been told enough times), yet all I ever hear are those same fateful
words that I spoke before. I know that I'm not the easiest person to get along
with, I'll admit that, but I'm more than willing to try and come up with a
compromise. I mean, come on ladies
work with me here, okay?
Guys, I'm talking to you too. Think about how bad some of
you have treated your x-girlfriends or even your current girlfriend. Now here
is someone who loves you and sees something in you you might not even see in
yourself. To me that's an honor and it's not something that happens too often.
If people got over being so damn picky and decided to take a chance, there just
might be some long lasting relationships in this world. I know everyone worries
about getting hurt, but hey, anyone you choose to start a relationship with is
taking just as much of a chance as you are. Okay? Good.
Now back to my problem. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but
girls (and guys) say they want someone who is going to care about them and
treat them with love and respect. Right? Okay. Any girlfriend that I've ever
had gets treated like an angel, yet as it looks right now I am still
Now, question - What is wrong with this picture? Is there
something I'm missing? I mean if there is, then hopefully someone out there
will write to me here at the Legends office and give me a clue as to just what
the hell I'm doing wrong. I'm serious people. Write me and help me figure this
out. Hell, send me a phone number and I'll call to talk to you personally if
you want. I mean I just don't know what else to do. Help!!!
well, it's 7:35 A.M. and I have business to attend
to. Thanks for letting me blow off steam. Sorry if I offended anyone. I didn't
mean to. Catch you all next time.