Humor

A Journey With Seinfeld

By Jerry Seinfeld

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, and sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

I come from the kind of family where my mother kept an extra roll of toilet paper on the tank in back of the toilet, and it had a little knit hat with a pompom on it. I didn't know if the purpose of this was so that people didn't know we had an extra roll of toilet paper or because my mother felt even toilet paper is embarrassed to be what it is. The toilet paper had a hat, the dog had a sweater, and the couch arms and back had little fabric toupees to protect them. I never felt the need to do drugs growing up. My reality was already altered.

I have to say I enjoy adulthood. I enjoy the fact now, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie. Okay? I have three cookies or four cookies or 11 cookies if I want. What was the big deal with the cookies? "Not before dinner." "Not too many." "You've had enough." "Not now." Well, now I'm a grownup, give me the cookies! Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Beyond recognition. Then I call my mother up right after to tell her. "Hello, Mom? I just ruined my entire appetite. Cookies!"

So what if I ruin it? See, as adults we understand, even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. I see no danger in running out of appetites.

You can't beat adult power. Unlimited television. Plus, you can screw around with that thermostat all you like. I was in a hotel room somewhere when I finally got up the guts to move it a little bit. The whole night I couldn't sleep. I was afraid my father was going to burst in the door, "Who touched the thermostat in here? You know I set it there for a reason." I waited years for my father to take me aside and explain to me the secret of the thermostat.

And then one day he did sit me down, told me this whole story about the sperm, the egg. I said, "Dad, who cares? Get to the part where the thermostat comes in."

Our life expectancy now is like 72 for men, and 79 for women. It's amazing that to think just a few hundred years ago, life expectancy was 30, which in our terms would be that you got your driver's license around five, get married at nine, divorced at 15; in your late teens, you move down to Florida. I guess that's how Spring Break got started. And eventually people are saying things about you like, "You know, it's amazing - he's 28 but he's still very alert. His mind is so sharp, you would think you're talking to an 11-year-old."

To me, if life boils down to one significant thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. Unfortunately, this means that for the rest of our lives we're going to be looking for boxes.

When you're moving, your whole world is boxes. That's all you think about. "Boxes, where are there boxes?" You just wander down the street going in and out of stores, "Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes?" It's all you think about.

You could be at a funeral, everyone around you is mourning, crying, and you're looking at the casket. "That's a nice box. Does anybody know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it, you think I could get it? It's got some nice handles on it. My stereo would fit right in there."

You could be at a funeral, everyone around you is mourning, crying, and you're looking at the casket. "That's a nice box. Does anybody know where that guy got that box? When he's done with it, you think I could get it? It's got some nice handles on it. My stereo would fit right in there."