Humor

Where Have You Gone, Michelangelo?

By Ron White

It's been two years since we had a good virus scare. Our country can not expect to maintain its rightful place as the world's leading producer of unnecessary technology if we don't maintain the lead in producing computer viruses. Do you want to wake up a few years from now and suddenly discover that all the really important computer viruses are being produced along the Pacific Rim? I don't think so.

That's exactly what's going to happen, though, if we Americans don't create a virus that threatens to take out half the Internet and generates sensationalistic, misleading stories on the front page of USA TODAY. Now, I know our country's got the best hackers around. So I can only attribute the lack of good, new viruses to lack of imagination. It's not easy to think of the equal of such classics as the Michelangelo and Stoned viruses. So just a little prod, here are a few suggestions.

THE WINDOWS NT VIRUS
It does everything the OS/2 Virus did years ago but not as well.

THE CHICAGO VIRUS
It pops up, threatens to change the way you use computers, and then isn't heard from for another six months.

THE ALPHA VIRUS
It makes your PC run twice as fast as it does with a Pentium, but nobody cares.

THE WORD FOR WINDOWS VIRUS
It won't let you save files when system resources are running low. Whoops, sorry… That's not a virus, that's the program.

THE WORDPERFECT FOR WINDOWS VIRUS
It doesn't do anything unless you add another 4MB of memory.

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
It let's your clipboard cut - but not paste.

THE GERALDO VIRUS
It won't let any multimedia applications talk, except about cross-dressing.

THE NAFTA VIRUS
Your system goes south, and prices for replacement parts goes up.

THE LIZ TAYLOR VIRUS
One month it says your hard disk is 350MB, the next month it says 128, the next month 410MB…

THE TONYA HARDING VIRUS
It crashes your favorite applications but says another virus did it.

THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS VIRUS
After ruthlessly attacking your data, it blames the attack on another virus, and then claims it was only defending itself from abusive .EXE files.

THE CLINTON VIRUS
After each Windows dialog box appears, a second dialog box appears telling you that the first dialog box didn't really mean what it said.

THE JURASSIC VIRUS
Reactivates WordStar, VisiCalc, Frame Works, dBASE II, and other programs you thought had been wiped off your hard disk eons ago.

THE MULTIMEDIA VIRUS
It makes you figure out the budget with a pocket calculator while it lets your kids play Doom.

THE VIDEO FOR WINDOWS VIRUS
It reduces the size of application windows to 3 inches by 2 inches.

THE HOME IMPROVEMENT VIRUS
It changes the Windows interface so your toolbars are never where you left them.

THE GUI VIRUS
It activates only when you are on a deadline and won't let you do anything else until you have spent three hours designing new icons and reorganizing your application groups.