Humor

Help Line

By Anonymous

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did…

HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HELPLINE: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
CUSTOMER: What's an ignition?
HELPLINE: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.
CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use me car?

HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!
HELPLINE: Is the gas tank empty?
CUSTOMER: Huh? How do I know?
HELPLINE: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?
CUSTOMER: It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?
HELPLINE: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: What? I paid $12,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Your cars suck!
HELPLINE: What's wrong?
CUSTOMER: It crashed, that's what went wrong!
HELPLINE: What were you doing?
CUSTOMER: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed. And now it won't start!
HELPLINE: It's not our responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?
CUSTOMER: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore!

HELPLINE: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hi! I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks.
HELPLINE: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
CUSTOMER: How do I work it?
HELPLINE: Do you know how to drive?
CUSTOMER: Do I know how to what?
HELPLINE: Do you know how to DRIVE?
CUSTOMER: I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!

The above article I dedicate to the knowledgeable, hardworking and thoroughly abused and unappreciated members of Quantex Level II Technical Support. No, this is not a tongue-in-cheek sarcastic remark. For once, I mean something sincerely. Hope it is able to at least make you all crack a smile as the various (troll-like?) customers berate you.

-PAN-